Poor Charlotte, the hopeless romantic, waiting for Mr Right
and growing more and more tired of single hood with each passing day.
Charlotte’s mistake, however, was in being so desperate for marriage that she
married the wrong guy. This, of course, led to an unhappy and unfulfilled
relationship which would result in divorce and eventually lead dear Charlotte
to her happily ever after.
I’m not Charlotte in any way but one: I’m exhausted and
wondering where he is.
I have gone through what can only be described as a
mind-fuck of emotion. Maybe that’s the same as undulation and that’s certainly
a more “ladylike” term; either way, I’ve been had. I’ve been quite confused and
trying to seek understanding through all the clichéd messages that people like
to give when they have no idea what to say or how to say something. The problem
with clichés is that they are loaded messages and when you say them to someone
who is analyzing everything to its very core, clichés serve the exact opposite
purpose than that which they were intended to serve. Then, of course, there are
the less clichéd but equally aggravating lies that people tell to help you
“feel better.” Well you know what? They don’t help! I would like to go through
some of that BS that has been fed to me recently and/or over the years and
explain why it’s pure shit. Ready?
1. (a) They’re just intimidated by you OR (b) They
feel like they have nothing to lose so why not.
Bullshit! (And don’t judge me for what is
stated below, we all know how important physical attraction is, especially at
first). This is in reference to physical appearance first, although it will
feed directly into lie number two but we’ll get there.
(a)
I refuse to believe that men are intimidated by
my looks. While I acknowledge that I’m not the ugliest shirt on the rack, I’m
not the fanciest one either. I’m rather plain, in fact, a simple white t-shirt
if you will. Even with makeup and a nice outfit I don’t outshine those around
me. Also, this is the antithesis to why guys approach me anyway – they only one
want thing from me and it has nothing to do with what I think or have to say…
(b)
When I do get hit on, it’s by the same guy. You
know who I’m talking about, the dudes with the napoleon complex, in muscle tees
but no muscles, a beer gut, you know who, exactly.
2. You’re too smart/driven/capable/etc.
Bullshit! Almost every guy I know
says that he is either looking for or happy he found a woman who is smart,
driven, and capable! Seriously, what guy wants the dumb, unambitious, loser who
can’t do anything for herself? NOBODY! Now, remember I said that lie #1 and #2
feed each other. Part of this argument is situated after several dates when the
guy has learned more about me and realizes that I’m smart(er), (more) driven,
and (more) capable than him. Still total and complete, 100% out of a cow’s ass,
BULLSHIT!
3. You’re so independent that they never feel
needed by you.
I will concede to this idea only so
far as to say that I have been guilty of not telling my partner when I do need
him (or even THAT I do need him). Otherwise…
Bullshit! This is such a Catch-22
too because the minute I express some semblance of need I get labeled a Stage-5
Clinger! NO! You can’t have it both ways. You can’t bitch that you don’t feel
needed and then bitch that I need you too much! So what is the formula for
need? I’d like to know.
4. They’re afraid you’re going to leave them so
they leave you first.
Bullshit! It simply isn’t possible
that I’ve only dated or been in relationships with cowards. AND what would make
them think I am going to leave anyway? Oh, lies #1-3, I’m guessing.
5. They realized they could easily spend the rest
of their life with you and that scares them.
Bullshit! Not only is this the
antithesis to lie #4 but why would “happily ever after” scare him unless he’s
just looking for a fling or is over concerned with sowing wild oats. Oh but the
guys I find myself with claim to not be that guy…they’re the serial monogamists
(except one who never said he was but also never mentioned that he enjoyed
cheating). They would “never do anything to screw this up” and I’m “too good to
be true” and LIES! OMG I’m so over it already and I haven’t even finished this
blog!
6.
Don’t worry; the day will come when you’ll find
him/he’ll find you.
Bullshit! You know who tells you THIS
clichéd message? People who have already found that other person! Of course
you’re optimistic, you have someone to come home to everyday, but I bet that if you didn’t you would be just as bitter as I am right now! Save the canned words
of comfort, they don’t comfort anyone, trust me!
7.
They don’t understand your mixed messages about
marriage, hell I don’t understand!
Ok, here’s where things get tricky
and I realize that it’s because I haven’t been clear. I’m going to set the
record straight right here, right now: I don’t believe in marriage as a
priority on someone’s list or a set of bound rules. This is where Charlotte and
I differ a great deal. I do, however, believe in love. Not the hopeless
romantic, grand gestures, fairytale kind of love but the simple, kind,
generous, shared kind of love. And if/when that kind of love comes along, I
would be open to discussing what marriage would mean to me and that person. I
would never let go of something real over something as insignificant as a label
but I would never engage in a legally bound partnership over something as
insignificant as image. Merging two individual worlds into one collective
experience isn’t marriage, it’s love. It’s the realization that embedding the
everyday practices of two people into one shared experience is both fulfilling
and necessary to human bonding. Wanting to have and give love has nothing to do
with being married but it has everything to do with survival and a real life,
ever changing, happily ever after. I’m not looking for a husband, I’m looking
for love. If a husband is found from that, then so be it and if not, that’s
fine too.
My disdain for the above lies comes down to this: Even if
those remarks were true, I believe that if a guy wants to be with me, he will
be with me. None of the statements above or anything else would matter. He
would fight, he would communicate, he would acknowledge, he would want one
person and one person only – me. He would be simultaneously afraid and
unafraid, willing to lose but hoping to win, be gentle in drawing out the
vulnerability, but strong in defining his needs. We would remind each other
every day that there is nobody in the world who is a better fit than me to him
and him to me.
So I’m left with a thought, the common denominator in all my
endeavors with men is: me. They are not the problem, I am the problem. The men
who approach me and then let me down are not the problem (although some do have
problems), I am the problem. Guised as a multitude of things, the real problem
is the way I treat myself. As an educator who knows the importance of modeling
behavior I have not done a very good job of that for myself. This is true for
every kind of relationship I engage in, but for today and as of late, it is
only relevant to intimate, romantic relationships. I haven’t given myself
enough respect or faith or value so when I engage in affairs with others they
feel they can treat me as I treat myself. Desiring only the physical, being
convenient, never challenging or asking for more, never expressing needs or
gratitude, never being anyone who matters, I’m an insignificant speck on this
planet and that’s how I am treated. Then I get angry and I blame them, all the
“hims” in my life but the blame falls on me and I deserve better than that. I
deserve to matter to someone the way he matters to me. I’m not an object of desire;
I’m a human being, a woman with love in her metaphorical heart and ready to
share life’s little pleasures with someone who wants to share his with me. “We
accept the love we think we deserve,” (Perks of Being a
Wallflower, 2012), and I deserve more than this.
While I was in Italy I wrote a letter to Juliet (link: Dear Juliet). You can think what you want but when I was in Verona, knowing how foolish it
was of me, I was compelled to tell her how I felt. I didn’t leave the letter
there for her (by the way, not at all like the movie, although if you leave
your letter there, someone will write you back), but I did write it and then I
promptly packed it away with the rest of my feelings. I’ve since read it and
although quite terrifying, I’m sharing it, with you. Some of you know me and
will likely feel pleased that I’ve finally opened up and allowed myself to be
vulnerable. Some of you think you know me and will probably be surprised by
what you read and some of you don’t know me at all, in which case, what you
think or feel will be projections of your own life somehow. At any rate, it is
the most honest thing I’ve ever written, including this blog (though this blog
is festering with anger, resentment, disappointment, and self-deprecation). All
I ask is that your criticism be constructive and not demeaning. I am working on
me the only way I know how and in a way unlike ever before.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
