Its Sunday night, I walked stage yesterday and then everybody started asking me one question: “so, how do you feel?” Strangely, I had no response for this, I almost wasn’t sure what was meant by it. I mean, clearly I understand, but I didn’t really feel any different, I still don’t. I’m not sure if part of it is knowing that I’m not done with school, or if it just hasn’t hit me yet, but as I look at the pictures, it’s almost like I’m not seeing myself in them. I know I was there, and I remember it – sort of, but it’s mostly a blur. I know that what I do feel is grateful and loved and accomplished and ready to take the next step. I worked incredibly hard to get to that point yesterday, maybe so hard that the reason it didn’t feel different is because I knew I deserved it. I deserved to be recognized and to receive a degree (which, while currently pending final grades, will undoubtedly happen). I felt grateful that my friends and family shared the day with me, to include a friend that doesn’t even live in El Paso anymore. I felt loved by those same people (and others whom congratulated me prior to the event). I felt…good.
So, now that my life as an undergrad is through, I’m preparing for new things, some you already know, some you do not. I’ve been steadily packing up, getting ready for a move but also getting ready for what promises to be an exciting summer. In June, I head to Annandale, MN where I accepted a position with Friendship Ventures to be a camp counselor. I will be at Camp Friendship until the middle of August, where I anticipate a great number of things. The camp is for people with disabilities such as autism, down syndrome, physical disabilities, etc, to include children and adults alike. For those of you who don’t know, I was originally planning on doing my Master’s work in Communication Disorders, so to be able to work at Camp Friendship this summer is an amazing gift to me. I changed my program because I feel that my passion for education outweighs my passion for communication disorders but only marginally and with this new enterprise I've felt new motivation. I’m beginning to wonder if somewhere along the way, some sort of fusion will occur between the two passions. I don’t know why I feel like this, it's like this door was presented and opened for a specific reason, I just need to wait and see what that reason is.
I will be returning to El Paso with only a week to load up my things and move down south to San Antonio. My life as a graduate student officially begins on August 22nd at 9am. I expect that my life as a graduate student will be equally full and tiresome but I welcome it, in fact, I can’t wait to get started. I took a graduate course this last semester, one in which I had to get special authorization for and needed to have multiple conversations with two professors about, and it was almost a bigger hassle getting in than actually taking the course. I recently completed my final paper, which was the written report on a semester long research project. I was nervous about it, thinking it was poorly written and remembering that quite frankly, I just didn't care anymore. I just learned of the grade I received on that paper and not only did I ace it, but it and one other paper were used as demonstrations of "how a good paper should look." It's moments like these that remind me of why I love being a student.
After graduation, my best friend and I went to Ft. Bliss for Armed Forces Day. We went with one intention and one intention only – to rappel. You may be asking yourself why any sane person would want to volunteer to rappel down a 45 foot tower but I assure you, it can do more to change you than one would think. We’ve talked about it before because she had done it a few years ago and I said that next time, I would do it too. Well, this was the first opportunity at “next time” that we got, but the closer we got to the date, the more my reasons for wanting to do it changed. While originally it just seemed like something fun, it began to take on more symbolic meaning. I was graduating college, my boyfriend was just deployed, I am starting a new chapter in my life with graduate school and the move; I no longer just want to do this – I NEED to do this. I needed to do something that would require me to face myself, every fear, every doubt, every change, every good moment and everything yet to come. If I turned around and walked back down the stairs, I would know that I am not strong enough for my own life, but that didn’t happen, not even the second time. It became an event, like getting a new tattoo to symbolize my state in time, it marked a new beginning. For my best friend and me together, it was a post graduation present, a late afternoon activity, it was something fun for us to do. For me alone, it was a defining moment and now, I’m ready for whatever life throws at me. That singular event was the best representation of everything that I’ve tried to express through writing.
“How do you feel?” they all asked.
“I feel...alive.”
Until next time,
Courtney Chivon
