Chapter 56: New Year, Indeed.

I stayed up for a good long while last night/this morning trying to write a “resolution” blog. The last time I wrote one in December was in 2012. I like to save my “resolution” blogs for April, since that’s the literal start of a new year for me. Anyway, I couldn’t get anything out. I sat and stared at a flashing cursor for over two hours and only managed to make dot art with perfectly tabbed periods. I listened to music, the kind I always listen to when I’m writing – the slow melodic sounds of heartbreak. Why that inspires me, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because it conjures up sadness or heartbreak for me too. Maybe because I feel like you have to have some understanding of La Vie Boheme in order to really know emotion – maybe that’s biased. Maybe it’s only after you’ve trudged through darkness that you’re ever able to finally see light.

There it is – the reason I had such a hard time writing last night: hyperbole.

Something happens between December 26^th and January 2^nd every year that causes everyone, everywhere to speak in hyperbole and I have come to hate it. I can see the ceremony of it all – now is the best time to make changes – new year, new _____. Go ahead, fill in the blank with whatever you want. January 1^st has become a symbol of change. People spend their last few days or hours leading up to the new date reflecting over their life. What happened in the last 365 days? Who was born? Who died? What’s been accomplished? Where are the failures? What needs to change and how will it be done? Have you ever noticed that the New Year brings out the same emotion as a catastrophic event? You know the kind – those events that cause people to use the clichéd message of holding your kids tighter, or always telling someone you care, or reminding yourself that another day of life is never guaranteed. It’s so interesting to me that two polar events would result in the same exact emotion and type of reflection. With all that reflection comes the desire to change something, but only after ______. Again, fill in the blank. After the New Year, after we pay off this car, after my raise, after this last piece of cake – then I’ll do something. Momentum for those changes slows down, quickly, because that isn’t the part of the lifestyle that needs to change, so changes from it rarely mean anything.

Where does that leave those of us who spend every single day in a state of reflection? There’s only so much a person can take before they feel like they’ll actually combust. Some of us are in a constant state of change and it doesn’t take some catastrophic event or the change of a calendar year to make us more aware. It’s frustrating that I’m expected to reflect on my year and resolve to do something different or better or new when I do that all year long. This blog is evidence of that, I think. Go back to Chapter One and see the progression. Some things remained the same over the years – all those hyperbolic statements kept creeping in. But other things did change, including the slow omission of all that hyperbole which resulted in me writing from a place of authenticity and not like an outsider. If you don’t feel like revisiting all 55 chapters, don’t worry, I did that for you last night too – trust me when I say, there’s been a change.

If grandiose statements about life and change are what you need to propel you through the New Year, then please, shout them loud and clear from rooftops or in Facebook status updates. I would encourage you, however, to take some moments to revisit your vision board and decide if it’s a true reflection of who you are or if it’s a superficial way to imagine changes you know you’ll never make. All those feelings that get stirred by the ushering of a new year are there because people look at December 31^st as a reset button. Like all the problems of the former year will dissolve in the champagne when you’re toasting to all that awaits you in the year yet to come. Then what happens? That annual gym membership pays for itself in the first week of the year and then is never looked at again. Your relationships don’t change. You still don’t have any money. By next December 31^st you’re depressed and feel like a failure all over again. Why put yourself through that agony?

Life is about choice and choice is what causes change. You have to make choices every single day. You have to be willing and ready to change things every single day. The New Year isn’t going to do it for you no matter what intentions you burn for the universe. You have to be willing to look at yourself every day and make a choice – is this the life I want for me? In the meantime, continue to share the one-size fits all memes about letting go of the past and embracing the future – it will matter to someone, even if it shows that someone how those messages don’t matter at all.

Chapter 55: How to Start

Second blog in a row! Woah! Don’t get excited. I’m writing this in light of yesterday’s blog and the upcoming series of videos on my channel around the “Sister Book”. Per requests, here is what Amanda and I did for our book and some suggestions for your own.

What was the “Sister Book”?

The sister book was a scrapbook that Amanda and I shared over the course of a year. We would each create one page per month for said book. Each page would include a response to a prompt, challenge, task – call it what you want, that we gave to each other. We would give each other the task sometime around the first of the month and we would each have the duration of the month to complete the task and the page for the book. We would then exchange who had the book each month. You could use any method for keeping track, including one of those big time capsule tins and just dump everything in there. Or maybe you exchange it all through digital media via a USB. It’s up to you – make it your own!

What prompts/tasks/challenges were included?

Anything! The only task we had that was the same was the final one in September (which we actually just completed last week). All other tasks were different for each of us. Some examples (from what I can remember) are:

• What is one thing you love about yourself? Not your life, but yourself.
• If you could trade places with anyone for 24 hours, who would you pick? Why? What would you do?
• Have one person fill out a questionnaire about anything – personal, fun, silly, whatever. You can find some examples or ideas online.
• Take a picture every day for the month.
• Have a photo scavenger hunt. Create one yourself, or examples can be found online.
• Write a letter to your past, present, and future self. Include whatever you want in the letter.
• Write a short story about a given topic, or about a topic of your choosing.
• Give yourself a Valentine’s Day card.
• Plan a trip (short or long) for the two of you. Include every detail and imagine that money is not an issue.
• Write the emotion you are feeling at the end of the day, every day, for the month.
• Write about someone who you’re jealous of. Why? How is your life better than theirs?
• If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? To visit? To live? Why?
• Plan a party for yourself (like a birthday). Include an invitation and a full itinerary of events, menu, music, etc.
• Create something about the two of you – a collage, story, song, etc. that celebrates your relationship.
• Choose a letter of the alphabet and write down every word you hear that begins with that letter for the duration of the month. Then write a story using all the words you wrote down that month.
• Make a collage about yourself – think grade school.
• Write a letter to each other. Include whatever you want.
• Describe what you thought the first time you met. How has that changed?
• Share a deep dark secret and why it’s been a secret. Include how you feel about finally sharing it.
• Sit in a public venue and people watch. Write a story about someone you observe.
• Write about one regret in life. Include what it was. Why it’s a regret. And what has been done to move beyond it.
• Plan an adventure for the two of you. Give details about what you would do. Where you would go. How you would get there. Why you would do it.

Who should you do it with?

My sister and I decided to do it on a whim while shopping at Michael’s one day. Or maybe I thought of it during that trip and then told her about it…I don’t remember. What I can say is that ANYONE can and should do it. Siblings, partners, parents with their children, friends, roommates, ANYONE! The tasks/challenges/prompts may need to be altered to fit the relationship, but I think it’s a great way to learn about yourself and each other – and if you do it like us, it’s a two year commitment. That’s kind of a big deal, but so worth it! And it’s a lot of fun to create the pages that go with your prompt.

The final interview that we did came from the NY Times. (NY Times Article). As you’ll see from the article, it’s targeted to romantic partners, but love and intimacy exist in all relationships, so we gave it a go! I would highly recommend doing this regardless of whether you have a long-term project like the “Sister Book” or not. I thought it was the perfect way to end our year of discovery, so answering it for a vlog was our final challenge – together. We also wrote (are writing) short letters to each other that we’ll read at the end of the second year – the year of unveiling!

If you do it, I would love to know how you’re making it your own and what your thoughts are along the way. #TimeBook and share your story.

Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 54: Opening October

October!

There isn’t any real reason October is exciting, but it’s been a while since my last entry and I felt like I needed it to start with a bang.

Really, this blog is meant to provide some context for a series of Sister Weekend videos that are going to make their way to my channel over the forthcoming year. Last year, my sister and I decided to start a scrapbook. This scrapbook would serve as a year-long time capsule, whereby we would each fill one page a month as it related to a specific task/challenge that we gave to each other. I have one more page (August) to complete and a video to edit, but our book is otherwise finished. We also decided that we would spend the next year (starting now) unveiling each task during each respective month and recorded it for the vlog.

Over the past weekend we went away to Cripple Creek for a haunted ghost-hunting adventure, and while in our hotel room, we decided to start reminding ourselves of where we were a year ago. The first vlog is up, entitled “A Time Capsule for Sisters” and while the content may not be super interesting to you, our hope is that you will find some inspiration to do something similar with your sibling/friend/lover/family member. The first year is a journey of self-discovery, but the second year is bound to be a journey of rediscovery for both self, and your relationship.

Whether it’s inspirational, entertaining, or something entirely different, we hope you’ll enjoy spending time with us once a month for the next year as we reveal some of our deepest thoughts to each other and to you.

If you’re inspired and would like to exchange ideas or suggestions, comment below or tweet me (@c_chivon) and let’s share a little.


Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Link to vlog: A Time Capsule for Sisters

Chapter 53: Something About Control

This is a topsy-turvy world we live in; one where right is left, and down is up, and the only thing for certain is uncertainty. I take it back, there are two certain things in this world – uncertainty, and the certainty that a single note from a particular song will send a person on a journey they thought they only had to live once. You know what I’m talking about. Like the moment the opening chords of “Crash” come on, you’re no longer driving your car, but instead you’re being grabbed by the wrists and thrown against the wall – crash, indeed. Or like hearing that one song you forgot existed because it was kind of a one-hit-wonder, and suddenly you’re flying down a winding road in the dark, crying so hard you can’t even see, because you just learned that the person you most trusted has decided to help the person who violated your innocence, and all you want to do is drive off the cliff.

Sure, some songs lend themselves to those other, happier moments, like dancing in the rain after the MB20 concert with your best friend while your crush watches you with sweet amusement, and then joins in. Or the achingly beautiful memory of your first real kiss every time “Just Like Heaven” surfs soundwaves to your brain. The memories of those songs, however, are further and fewer than the ones that rip through our bodies like a harpoon leaving a whale to bleed long after it’s struck.

I had these thoughts last night while driving, being in parts of CO that don’t illicit real memories, but for some reason breathed a sense of nostalgia into my lungs. It’s like every experience is sound tracked, and each corresponding memory has replaced a piece of my broken heart; haphazardly stitched together with rusted wire. How long until my heart is no longer a muscle pumping blood to keep me alive, but instead a fragile artifact encased in the resin stained glass shell of my withering body? Am I becoming the walking embodiment of what is a museum for my soul? Will I stop being human? Or, is it those visceral memories that keep me human by reminding me that emotions and memories are a part of growth?

To be honest, that all sounds so cliché and perfectly convenient for the heartbreaking raw emotion that is actually felt, lived through, relived, and brutally destroys the spirit. Memories that are so encompassing that they evoke physiological reactions can’t just exist as reminders of our history. I refuse to believe that they’re there just to teach us to be strong, or to show us how strong we’ve been. Are they perfectly timed when our egos are on the verge of losing control? Like a slap in the face to remind you that you aren’t perfect? That your feet are meant to tread earth and not to walk on water or air? If we were meant to be that high, we would have been graced with wings. 

Yes, I believe that’s it, but I wonder if the message has to be so damn painful every time. I’ve also wondered who is more prone to experience the desolation that comes from the perfectly orchestrated soundtrack of their life.

Is it because I have a more creative mind than pragmatic one that I’m so easily affected by nostalgia – even if it’s false? Is it because I see music, and I hear color, and I feel sound that every part of my being is shaken when just one element is just slightly askew? What causes the pendulum to swing so violently from one side to the next? This isn’t the life I would have crafted for myself if I had all the control.

Control.
Control…
Control?

Maybe that is the Mellon Collie OR the Infinite Sadness – control and how humans don’t actually have it, ever. We search for it, we fight for it, we believe it matters, we trust some version of it (structure), but how does it actually service anyone. When I’ve had control of myself, I’ve felt liberated, happy, but when the control shifts to either that of me over another or another over me, or FUCK! a song over my memories, I’ve felt ugly and chained, and mostly destroyed. I’m told that how we choose to react to things is what gives us the control over ourselves, but is that true? Hearing that one song tonight certainly didn’t make me feel like I could, in any way, regain the control of my emotions or my memories. I was immediately cast back to a dark and uninviting place; a place I would never choose to revisit on my own accord. Could I change how I reacted to it? Certainly, one would think so, but I’ll say from experience that it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Control.

That’s what this is all about. My thoughts driving last night to my thoughts writing tonight – they’re all embedded in or shrouded by lost control that could never and will never be lassoed and tamed. What does any of it even matter? Maybe it doesn’t matter at all, but as of late it has taken precedence in my mind – in my life. Maybe it’s because I’m really tired of those brief interludes that are so seemingly insignificant to most people being so devastating to me. Maybe it’s because I’m tired of living in a moment that can be stolen by a memory from the past. I feel as though I’ll be trapped in solitary confinement for the rest of my life with only padded walls to offer me any kind of cushion. Invisible chains stay locked around my wrists and ankles – keeping me grounded, yes, but also preventing me from ever stitching pieces of my heart back into place with invisible thread instead of rusted wire tethering me to memories I wish would disappear.

In the grand scheme of things, none of it matters. We’re all going to die someday, and it won’t be relevant who had control, when. But I suppose I’m concerned with what happens between now and then when now is so hard to breathe. I’ve had that suffocating feeling before, hands gripped tightly – and I have it still at the hands of all those memories locked in lyrics wrapped in chords where left goes right and up looks down. 

Until Next Time, 
Courtney Chivon 

Chapter 52: A New Year...Resolution

It's that time again, and again, I'm left with inadequate words for expressing my journey in the last year.

I don't know how I manage to live a drama-free life, yet nothing about anything I experience is ever easy or makes any sense.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop where the only people not sitting in front of a laptop were teenagers who walked over from the high school next door. They spent the entire 15 minutes they were here talking to each other. What is that like? I've forgotten.

That was completely non sequitur, but I'm not sure how to write this...

I know I could talk about my personal, professional, emotional growth over the past 365 days, but why? People who know me already witnessed that, people who follow me are already aware, and frankly, I'm not sure that would sound any different from any of my past resolution blogs.

I could talk about my plans for the next 365 days, but why? My mind changes faster than the Colorado weather, my goals are more like mirages in the desert, and I've come to learn that planning never works as...well, planned. Didn't John Lennon say, life is what happens when you're busy making plans? Maybe it wasn't him, I tend to credit all the really profound sounding things to him since I always thought he was ahead of his time.

I guess I'm at a stalemate with myself, which makes sense since the person I compete with the most is myself. I can say that the most common advice people have given me over the past year is to be gentle with myself. It's hard to hear something like that when the only person who knows how to push me, accept me, love me, challenge me, and trust me is...me. That said, maybe gentleness with myself needs to become a common practice in this next year of my life. Maybe that's what my new year resolution is supposed to be because when all is said and done, the most important relationship I'll ever have will be the one I have with myself.

I am starting this new year with a change in how I share my work. I've built and bought courtneychivon.com, which I hope will showcase all the things I love, and who knows...from there, anything is possible. It's somewhat bare right now, but I have plans and now that everything resides there, I think it'll be easier to direct traffic and share myself. I don't know what will come of it, and I'm not even entirely sure I know what I WANT to come from it, but it's there.

I've done a lot of thinking about my journey - where have I come from, where am I now, where do I go next...? I'm working on purging the past, only taking the lessons and relevant memories, letting go of the pain and sadness even if it did shape me into a stronger person. I'm skating the rings of my present, trying to embrace every moment for what it's worth, trying to hold on to the knowledge that I'm always where I'm supposed to be. I'm standing on the edge of what is yet to come, arms spread wide, lungs full of air, falling...slowly, but swiftly into the great, Next.

For those who remain my ride or die - thank you, I love you. For those just joining, I hope you'll stay for the ride.

Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 51: Vlog Response: Dating and the Truth About You

Hey.Hi.Hello.

 

A while ago I posted this video: Dating and the Truth About You the bottom of which you will see that I was asked to share the checklist. I thought about creating another video in order to do that, but sex kind of got in the way – as it usually does. I recently wrapped on the first 13 webisodes of #discoverdating and began filming the next part of the series which is all about sex, and thought that by the time I get this response video out on the web, it will have lost all its relevance. Hopefully that hasn’t quite happened yet, and this blog can help make up for the delay. In short, here is my checklist and what each item means to me (it looks like a contract):

 

Time

Do they have balance in their life?

• Is he a workaholic?
• Is he a playaholic?
• Does his family/friend base consume all his time?
• How many hobbies does he have? What are they like? How much time does he spend with them?
• Where or how would I fit in?
• Where or how would he fit into my schedule?

 

Finances

Are they financially literate?

• How does he spend his money? Believe it or not, this is easy to gauge without being in a relationship. Pay attention to how he reacts to menu items, thoughts on atmosphere of the venue. Look at how he’s dressed. Do you know what he drives or how he got to the venue? Check out his watch, wallet, and shoes. It isn’t about how much money he has, it’s about how he uses it.
• Lavishly?
• Carelessly?
• Cautiously?
• Miserly?

• How is he currently living?
• Renter? Homeowner? Roommates? Living with family? Etc.
• Beyond his means?

 

Lifestyle

Do they have balance in their habits?

• Is he a gym rat?
• Does he eat healthy?
• Is he a food/workout Nazi?
• Can he indulge or have a day away from exercise without freaking out?
• Does he sleep enough?
• Too much?
• Too little?
• Not well?
• What is his alcohol consumption like?
• Is he on any drugs (prescribed or otherwise)?
• How does this affect others, especially me?
• What’s his routine like on an average day, from alarm clock to bedtime?
• Is there balance in his routine?
• Is he lazy?
• Does he strive for betterment?

 

Relationship with Others

What are their relationships like?

• Family?
• Friends?
• Work?
• Is he sensitive to others?
• Is he brash?
• Is he unforgiving?
• How does he react to negativity?
• How does he react to positivity?
• Is he self-absorbed?
• Does he put others down in order to life himself up?
• Is he an active listener?
• What kind of “fighter” is he?
• How does his problem solve/resolve conflict?
• How do our personalities mesh?
• Is he introverted or extroverted?

 

Miscellaneous

Extra tidbits that I like to include:

• How does he view imperfection?
• In self;
• In others
• What is his educational background?
• Open minded;
• Narrow minded;
• Values hard science;
• Values soft  science;
• Elitist;
• Organization experience
• Clubs? Frats? Sports? Etc.
• Who paid for his degree(s)?
• Freedom?
• To explore
• Self;
• Other;
• The world
• To decide
• In thinking – is he easily swayed by popular opinion?
• To express – is he being authentic?

Ultimately, this list is a guide to helping me match his traits/characteristics/etc. with my own and decide if they’re compatible or not. It isn’t meant to form judgment, as that’s not anybody’s place to do, but it is meant to create some guidelines or boundaries for where we start. If too many of this things can’t be met by either one of us, we – I – move on to the next guy.

Also, this is my list; your list may look different based on your needs or values. If you want to see how I rank myself against my list, let me know and I’ll work something out; otherwise – have fun discovering dating!

 

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 50: Late Night Letters

Another letter to you,

                Hey. It’s been a while. I don’t know what has you on my mind, but I figured this was the best way to, well, I don’t know…something.

                I guess I really just wanted to tell you that I hope that you’re doing well. I’m sorry that I had to sever our connection to each other, but at the time it seemed like the only option I had to gain sanity. And, I suppose, perspective. I didn’t want to be your friend and pretending that I didn’t hurt wasn’t working. My resentment was growing exponentially since I perceived that it was so easy for you to forget that we ever shared anything intimate. I was angry, hurt, and lonely. I know I don’t owe you an explanation; I don’t even owe myself one, really, but it seems that I am unsettled if the words stay wallpapered to my mind. I feel, now, like I can be your friend. It’s not that I’m asking because I don’t expect you to accept that, but I want you to know, for whatever it’s worth – I miss my friend.

                I guess that’s really all I had to say tonight.

                I’m sorry.

                Good night.

Chapter 49: It's Not Porn

“Mr Grey will see you now.”

Before I begin, I want to be clear that this is NOT a review of either the book or the movie, but is my two cents – for whatever that’s actually worth – regarding how I felt about the movie having read the book.

[deep breath, that was a long sentence]

First, I feel the need to confess –

1. I only read 50 Shades of Grey, but know about the other two books and how they both turned out;
2. I’m not a fan of EL James’s writing style – this might add to a bias;
3. I never got caught up in the Grey drama, but I read the first book because all my friends told me to…

That said,

I believe that Grey represents the hidden fantasy of a perfect male, which makes the books real-true-pure-fiction. Let’s remember that 50 Shades came from Twilight fan fiction, so naturally the male would have to be simultaneously tortured AND lovable. My thoughts of the story as I read it, if I remember correctly, were something like:

1. Ok. Not my genre, but whatevs;
2. Anastasia is really smart and sarcastic and that’s cool – although everyone who told me to read the series told me I would hate her because she’s so weak;
1. I think her inner dialogue made her seem incredibly naïve and stupid;
2. I always read her as if she were me, so I thought of her as having the upper hand, not him;
3. Christian is tragic and beautiful and every woman’s dream, even with his “red room of pain” – what’s new?
4. I’m not dying to read the other two in the series – I talked about them with friends, spoilers abound, I know what happens.

Ok…so, I spent Valentine’s night at the movie with my friend, who also read the books. Here is why I prefer the movie to the book, aside from not having to deal with Anastasia’s inner dialogue.

1. Character development was more thorough in the movie. This could have been due to the luxury of people bringing characters to life in a way that EL James was unable to do through her lackluster writing. I never felt like Ana or Christian were very round characters while reading the book, James doesn’t do a very good job of setting the scene – not even the sexy ones – so seeing characters respond through body language, facial features, hearing intonation while speaking, etc. made Ana and Christian seem more real;
2. Movie Ana is DEFINITELY portrayed as stronger, smarter, and more capable than her text version. She is perceived as being the one in control more than Christian, which I think was the point. I believe that’s how she was supposed to be perceived in the book as well since it’s Christian who undergoes the greatest change, but her vapid inner dialogue ruins that character trait in the book;
3. Movie Christian has a certain approachable sex appeal. Reading the book resulted in my imagining a Christian that was godly; someone whose being is so pristine that he’s inhuman, which in turn, makes his attraction to Ana that much more unrealistic and fantasy. Movie Christian is also too perfect, but something about Jamie Dornan playing Christian brings a different level of humanity to the character. There are moments when Christian looks at Ana without her noticing and you get the sense that he has a genuine concern for her; he loves her immediately – this isn’t the feeling I had from reading the book.

Now, about some of the other issues with 50 Shades…

I, by no means, am a sex addict or into porn in any way. I don’t find the series OR the movie uncomfortable, offensive, or abusive – as some have labeled both. I try to remain as free from judgment as possible, especially where sex - and preference - is concerned. I have a very “to each their own” view on all things sexual. I disagree that Christian is sexually abusive or that he ever manipulates Ana and, essentially, rapes her. She’s intrigued by him from the very beginning; she gives herself to him in every instance, until she decides not to anymore. Her very ability to walk away without harm or consequence demonstrates a level of strength and growth in her character and lack of abusive tendencies in his character. All of that said, I thought the movie treated the subject tastefully – it could have been a lot more NC17; the only difference between 50 Shades sex scenes and any other movie is that there are more of them – that’s it! No shock value at all.

Finally, if you read the book, you know what’s coming, which is true of any movie adaptation, but because the topic is still uncomfortable for most people, you can’t help but find the movie comical - at least in the beginning and with the dialogue. It’s not easy to sit in a theater with 300 other people and listen to a young hottie tell a younger girl that he doesn’t make love, he fucks…hard. That’s funny when you’re sitting with strangers in close proximity knowing what comes next; no pun intended.

My final thoughts are that I found the movie to be of better quality than expected given the content and my feelings about the book. I will see both of the other movies. I thought it was perfectly cast – this is rare – but Ana and Christian are far more believable as fictional characters in the adaption than they are in the book. Also, I know it’s just a movie, just a book, and I don’t have expectations for the plot to be “real.” That’s what makes fiction popular – it allows the reader or viewer to enter a space that is fantasy, even if it’s based on reality, it isn’t the life we lead on a regular basis. I believe this is true for all fiction – when we read or watch a movie, we’re taken someplace else. That’s what keeps us coming back for more.

What are your thoughts?

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon