Chapter 12: Something Very Right

Most of you already know that I’ve decided to continue my education by pursuing a Master’s degree in Education (Reading and Literacy) at UT-San Antonio. What some of you may not know is that I once thought I would run off and join the Peace Corps in hopes of finding myself in some distant land where I could learn the culture, way of life, language(s) and in turn give of myself in a way that would benefit all involved. As I entered the master’s program at UTSA I still had dreams of bridging those gaps and my focus to this point (and very far from being fine tuned) would be on multiliteracy and especially reading and comprehension of students who speak English as a second language. Being that I’ve worked with ESL students of various ages, I’ve seen that the demands are great for learning English but also that the material available often resonates with no one. And wouldn’t it be great to learn about things that you can actually relate to? Wouldn’t having appropriate materials foster the learning of a second language, or learning in general?

So, allow me to get to the point. My graduate advisor now (pre-thesis) worked on a literacy project in South Africa (Ithuba Writing Project) in which textbooks and supplemental teaching materials were created, printed and supplied (in their indigenous languages) to under resourced schools for 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. Training sessions/workshops were held to address teaching techniques and craft better teachers in South Africa. Most importantly, the books printed are stories that come directly from South African teachers which make the material relatable and comprehensible to students. That project ended on August 31, 2009, but on September 1, 2009, Malawi Reads! started. Based on the same principle, Malawi Reads! will create, print and distribute books (in their indigenous languages) to schools in Malawi for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders and I am now a part of that project.

What does this mean? On one level it means that I get to actively participate in a project that will dispense enough reading material to students in Malawi to equate to every student having her/his own book. Aside from helping the students, the teachers are guided through workshops on how to utilize the material in multiple ways to make the most of their resources. I get to work from skeleton to almost completion (if I continue my studies for an additional year then I will be on the project from start to finish). For me personally, as I take off running in my graduate program, this means exposure, connectivity and boundless paths for research. There may even be the opportunity for me to travel to Malawi and not only experience first hand what our efforts are producing but to conduct research of my own.

I know there are words for what I feel, but I can’t even begin to articulate my thoughts. The transition as a whole has been near flawless and while I wondered what I would do about work and I felt defeated for a moment that I would end up having to take some random job just to pay the bills; this opportunity has been handed to me without hesitation. For the first time, I feel a part of an elite group, a place I only dreamed of being, a place I thought could only be achieved by a select few and I never put myself in that box despite what I may have expressed. I actually walked away from my meeting today with tears in my eyes and I couldn’t figure out if they were for the joy that I felt or the accomplishment that I feel I’ve worked hard for or the unyielding belief that I would always see that person but that person would never be me. This is my life, and what a wonderful life.

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 11: If I Weren't A Counselor, There's Nothing I'd Rather Be...

I just finished week 8 yesterday and my biggest thought right now is: “wow, the summer really went by quickly.”

It was not an easy summer, not that I expected it to be, but when looking back, it was an amazing summer. The job I just completed was taxing on my body and mind; it was emotionally and physically draining and it was absolutely exhaustive – and that’s just from dealing with campers. Then add personality conflicts between co-counselors and drama all around and making time for new friends = lack of sleep and loss of bone density by the end of the summer. Mostly, the last 8 weeks proved to be a great time for reflection and change. My life as I knew it June 21st was put on hold and I started a new one – temporarily. Although I knew how long it would last, I got lost in my new place and am apprehensive about what I’m supposed to return to, asking: “will it be ok? What will still matter to me? How have I changed and what will that mean for relationships I established before camp?”

There is so much that I’m eager for next and it makes leaving camp an exciting and welcome change but for two months my life has existed within a fence and comprised of scheduled activities taking me from 7am – 9 pm everyday. This makes leaving camp a nerve wracking change; I never thought I would be nervous about returning to my life, but I’m wondering if there is still room for me in it.

Camp has also shown me who I really am – though I can say that about other parts of my life, I think camp symbolizes all that I am made of. I know my job was to provide and enriched environment to people with disabilities, maybe change someone’s life (if even in a very small way) but I found that the biggest change in someone’s life was the change that happened in mine.

To those I've met because of camp, especially a handful of you (you know who you are), thank you so much for being a part of my most memorable summer. Without your shining faces, my days would have been grey and without your tender ears and open hearts, my nights would have been long and dark. You've given me wonderful memories, advice, moments of joy and laughter and your friendship will forever be my very best souvenir. I will carry it with me when times are hard and remember that we once fough brutal situations together, survived and remember that nothing was ever as bad as we felt it was in the moment. Thank you.

Good-bye Pine, Good-bye Wasie, Good-bye North Dorm (EW), Good-bye Mourning Dove, Good-bye Irish Rose, Good-bye Camp Friendship, we’ll see you next summer…

Until next time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 10: There Once Was A Man Named Chad

With only one week left, I finally understand and realize why some counselors are drawn to some campers and what makes us feel so connected to each other.

There's a need to be needed that lives within my soul. I never really connect with my campers that don't need me as much but I always have an incredibly large soft spot for those that do need me. What I mean is, I have to be able to care for someone in order to not only feel useful but also, to feel bonded. I know that all of my campers need me to some regard, but it's the ones that depend on my assistance that I feel closer to. When I take time off, I always miss and think most about those campers who require just a bit more attention.

However, I am not that counselor that can often be found in close proximity to her campers, meaning I don’t often comfort or console my campers through hug or touch. This is a greater difference that I’ve noticed. There are those counselors who enjoy the physical bonding as much as their campers do, but I can never find it to be anything more than awkward. It has nothing to do with personal space either, it has to do with my not needing to have a physical connection in order to feel connected. I know that campers can sense this from me because only a few have ever tried to test that. It’s ok though, there is always another counselor that is able to fulfill that role and I am always there to care for campers in a different way.

This week though, was a week of firsts:

-first male cabin of the summer

-first week with 90% personal cares

-first week to be needed in every capacity (read above)

-first week to recognize and understand why those differences are so important.

Anyway, so ends week 7 of my 8 week journey. Anticipating my last week in Minnesota leaves me both relieved and sad. I am about to prepare for the last week knowing that I can be both types of counselor – thanks to a man named Chad.

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 9: Tidal Waves

It’s been two weeks since the last entry and there are a couple of reasons for that:

1. Last week my cabin and my co-counselor were so wonderful that I didn’t have too much to write about – other than how wonderful they were. I had a group of fairly high functioning individuals, a favorite counselor and program staff to work with and an altogether really great week, which is obvious from the photos.

2. I had two weeks in a row with great cabins (campers and counselors alike) and wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself and didn’t have much to write about.

Now, here we are at the end of week six, only two weeks left until I’m El Paso/San Antonio bound and I’m ready. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my job and what I do and being on camp but my body is getting tired and is fighting with me because of it. This past week was pretty intense with personal cares and a full cabin. I had a repeat camper, one who two weeks ago was the bane of my existence and today is one of my favorites ever. Things aren’t always easy around camp but you do learn about yourself and discover true loves. For instance, I love being needed and feeling needed (a reason I think I’ll enjoy being a parent when the time comes); and this past week I was needed in various forms and I looked forward to every aching and sometimes irritating minute of it.

As I’m getting closer to the end I’m feeling a mixture of anxiety (excitement for returning to my home state and starting the next chapter) and incompleteness (sadness that I’m going to be leaving soon, pangs of regret that this will probably be my only year/summer at camp and discontentment with never really finding my place here). While I didn’t necessarily come to camp to make new friends, I will be leaving with only a handful (literally) and I look around and see that so many others are so bonded, sometimes it’s saddening. I don’t want to be part of a clique, in fact I rather hate cliques, but I would like to know that I matter to people and I would like people to know that they matter to me and I suppose that less is more but I sometimes wish that adage wasn’t so. However, if I think back and compare this summer to … well, my entire life … I’ve always only had a handful of people that I truly connected with and I’ve always loved knowing that while I may not have 100 friends, I do have 10 that I can always count on – this has and always will be the most reassuring part of my life. I guess I am content after all.

This week, I switch villages and work with some new faces, and some new campers (I have male campers for the first time…yikes)! We shall see what the next adventure is – I’m ready for it.

Until next time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 8: Halftime

Being halfway there puts you in the tunnel with light at both ends. I have just completed week four at camp leaving me with four more weeks until I head back to Texas. I was sent to Camp Eden Wood for the week, we only had 40 campers on the entire camp (Friendship generally has around/over 100). The camp itself was really cute; small and woodsy – felt very camp like. The food was amazing, I ate way too much during the week and for the most part, the people were pretty awesome too.

My campers this past week – wonderful! Week four has been my favorite week of campers so far. The week was exactly what I needed after feeling a bit defeated with Friendship, the change of pace was perfect and came at the perfect time. I still had a large cabin (9 campers) but I had an amazing staff group to work with and things ran smoother than I’ve experienced so far. I’ve come back to Friendship with a new outlook, a new attitude and new expectations for myself. I now feel that I know how to handle my own perceptions about things that I don’t agree with (regarding fellow counselors). I feel revived.

When I got back to camp last night I checked the cabin list for the upcoming week to see where I would be living and who I would be working with. I am so excited for Sunday! I’m working with one other counselor, whom I love, and my favorite program staff. The three of us have worked together before and we have a great relationship – the skies are clearing and the sun is shining light at both ends.

Until next time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 7: And the Award Goes To...

Any person that can change briefs for a living and never sweat it even when they’re filled with poop!

Week three of camp was outrageous! By Wednesday I was exhausted and ready to fall over, my legs feel like rubber chicken legs (I should have nicer calves by the end of the summer) and my brain has officially shut down until Sunday afternoon. All because we had so many personal cares to attend to this week and a huge cabin (10 campers) that it really feels like I was never off duty.

I’ve spent some time questioning things recently and I’ve found it extremely difficult to keep cool when frustrated lately. Typically if someone says something stupid or gets an attitude I can blow it off but lately I’ve been dishing it right back. I finally decided that the reason for this is simply that I can’t escape the behaviors like I could before; I’m living with the people that I work with every single day from Sunday – Friday. There is no going home and getting away, no venting to your spouse/friend/parent/etc, there is nothing to make it temporarily better and to allow a person time to cool off and forget about it. Instead, we all sleep in the same room and literally spend 24 hours a day together for 6 days (minus 6 hours for time off). It’s a bit much but now that I’ve decided that that’s the problem, I’m going to spend some time devising a way to fix it because I can’t go through the next five weeks getting so easily frustrated and not having a way to release the frustration.

Despite the incredible number of personal cares, I really enjoyed my campers – all 10 of them. We had several non-verbal campers which pose a slight challenge but you learn quickly how to communicate with them and it always helps that they understood what was said to them. Still, it was a little difficult adjusting to caring for a person who can’t tell you with words how she feels and/or what she likes/dislikes etc; it makes you appreciate simple conversations more than you ever did before.

Week three wore me out and left my body slightly deformed but I’m still eager to see what’s in store for week four. I am going to Camp Eden Wood this Sunday, a sister camp about an hour and a half from here. I am really excited to see it and to work there for a week; maybe the change of scenery and pace will make me feel better when I come back to Camp Friendship (Eden Wood is smaller and has less cabins). I’m just excited to get out and see what other parts of Minnesota are like and meet some new campers.

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 6: Bent But Not Broken...Yet

After making it through my first official week as a counselor, I’m not sure how I’m going to survive the next six.

Aside from feeling as though the truth was slightly manipulated when it was presented to me, I also don’t feel as though I’m fully or properly trained for some of the things we are expected to do. This and breaking from a regular routine has made me feel quite defeated. I said originally that I wanted to get away from what I was doing everyday because it felt like time was passing too slowly and I was sure that this would help time pass a little quicker. As it turns out, not being able to do the little things I was doing in El Paso have made me crazy because those little things almost undoubtedly were for Caleb (care packages). AND time is NOT passing any quicker except for the weekends which are too short to begin with.

Anyway, back to week one: it was crazy, chaotic, tiresome, frustrating, and funny; all around a true learning experience. We created a “family” out of our cabin aptly named the Wasie Family (after our cabin name). It started with the counselors and then the campers joined in on the fun, making themselves characters which just made it that much more hilarious. We had a quote wall which aided in sanity and helped us laugh when things were tough and we (counselors) had vent sessions nightly in order to keep from breaking down. Subsequently, the best way to prevent breaking down is by cracking up – laughter truly is the best medicine.

In the end, I was relieved to have a break, I honestly did not think I would feel so glad to have a little peace; hence the reason I’m not sure how I’ll last the next six weeks. While I was sad to see campers go, because you do create an attachment, I was far too close to my wit’s end to deal with much more this week and needed desperately to have a little “me” time. I did get to enjoy a tasty dinner last night and meet some more new people and get a few things from Wal-Mart (never thought I would miss the Wal-Mart)! Today I’m hoping to head out to Minneapolis to partake in some 4th of July festivities and start a new week tomorrow. I choose to remain optimistic about week three, I can only hope for the best. Luckily I don’t have to switch cabins this week and I’m with two counselors from week one and a counselor from week two that I know, hopefully that will make things easier.

I’ve updated the Picasa album a bit and will be doing so as much as possible.

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 5: Swinging From Vines

Week one (also know as orientation) is now officially over and starting Sunday I’ll be known as another Camp Friendship Counselor.

This has been something of a test, a pre-test, but certainly worth it. Next week will be a real test, seeing if I can manage and survive as a counselor. I’m looking forward to it, this past week was definitely rewarding on various levels.

First off – my thoughts on Minnesota: aside from the bird sized mosquitoes (and other insect/bug like critters) I like what I’ve seen so far. The weather is crazy unpredictable but I’m from El Paso, so I’m used to quick changes. I love the amount of green and blue (water) that I’m surrounded by – what a pleasant change! Accommodating to the various “accents” has already taken place, especially that typical Minnesotan open vowel sound. UGH! I need a dose of Texas!

Next – my thoughts on camp: it’s a trying time, even if your own campers don’t pose any “problems” you’re surrounded by campers with any/all types of disabilities and you can’t help but notice and feel something. As for my week specifically, I had a wonderful cabin to assist. The other counselors and the campers in that cabin were such an awesome group, they kept me smiling and laughing everyday and today at the talent show, one of the campers wanted me to hold her hand as we walked to the stage (and yes, I was in the talent show too – dancing the “Cha Cha Slide” with my cabin). I've met some really great people here as well and the counselors are from all over the world, which is just awesome. Everytime I speak to someone new, I also encounter a new "accent." It's wicked. However, living quarters are exactly as expected (if not worse) at least for this week. It’s not exactly the Hilton but it is camp. However, our light fixture did fall and pierce the wooden floor – if someone had been standing just under it, there quite possibly could have been a death; definitely a serious injury. Anyway, I move Sunday morning (or maybe Saturday night) into my new cabin for the upcoming work week. I’m pretty excited about it and looking forward to it and just ready to officially get to work.

Tomorrow a group of us (4 of us from the orientation staff) will be traveling into St. Paul and hanging out. I’m super excited about that, we’ll get to see something other than the camp and get away and have a little fun before starting work Sunday morning. I’ll be sure to snap pictures! Be sure to check in weekly, I’ll be updating since communication is sort of limited and will only get worse after this weekend.

Until next time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 4: Ch...Ch...Changes...

I have begun the official countdown – I now have exactly one week until I leave for Minnesota. There has been quite a bit of activity in the last couple of weeks, and especially in the last week. In fact, a week ago I was struggling to sleep and worried because we were hitting the road, heading to San Antonio early Sunday morning. I can’t believe it’s already been a week. Anyway, we went out to do some apartment shopping and I did find a cute space to live in. It’s a studio apartment but does have a dividing wall, so it will still feel like I have two separate rooms. It has hardwood floors and washer/dryer hookups. The complex has a pool, hot tub, and fitness area and it’s a small quite property. It’s cute; I think it’s going to work out well for the next two years. It’s in south central San Antonio, conveniently located in the middle of both the main and downtown campuses, which works well considering I’m scheduled for classes at both locations. I’m quite excited about this new venture, of course, we are still waiting to find out if the space will be mine (paperwork) but if all goes well, I should be able to move in as early as August 17th and as late as August 20th. Apartment – check!

Next change – I signed my name on a bill of sale for a Honda Civic. I still have Claire, I’m going to sell her on my own; I just couldn’t let her go knowing that she would be turned into scrap metal or sold off to just anyone. I know, it sounds strange, but I’ve become personally attached to her after nine years – it’s like having a pet, you wouldn’t put your dog down for just having a cold, not if you knew your dog still had a few good years left. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new car, and I know that its time to change, time to grow, and time to move on. Strangely, this car is probably the biggest symbol of the way my life is changing; even more so than a new apartment or moving to a new city. Why? Well, because, I have a hard time letting things go – any things. So to do this, to commit to this type of change, to let go of something physical that played such an important role in the earliest formative years of my life is not only a sign of change but a sign of a new beginning. Car – check!

What’s creating a bit of a problem is finding a job in San Antonio. I don’t know how many applications I’ve filled out or how many times I’ve clicked the “submit resume” button on a job site. I’m a little shocked to be honest, because I’ve never had a problem landing an interview and anytime I’ve ever made it to the interview, I’ve always been offered the job. It seems like everything else is happening so easily and things are moving along at a steady and smooth pace, so maybe this has to be the one thing that keeps everything else in perspective. Maybe it’s not supposed to be so easy, so that I don’t forget that I may have to fight for what I want. Whatever the case, wish me luck in finding some work by the time I have to move, please. Job – still working on that!

I’m not entirely out of work, however, and I am starting a new job in a week. I started packing for Minnesota; it’s wonderful that I get to pack comfy clothes and sneakers. I will be there for eight weeks, working as a camp counselor. I’m looking forward to this experience, this new beginning and I’m very excited to meet all the people at Camp Friendship – staff and campers alike. I think this is going to be one of my fondest memories, for some reason, I can already feel it. I will definitely be taking my camera with me so check back with Picasa to see what majestic beauty I can find in the great outdoors. While I don’t think this experience will be without its challenges, I do think the good will far outweigh the bad and who wouldn’t love a job that allows her/him to play in nature and camp and mentor and find some way to make another person enjoy her/his life just a little more than s/he did yesterday? Summer job – check!

So, you can see, a great many changes await me just around the corner. I’m ready to start the next chapter, ready to continue reading, anticipating the twist of the plot and revealing the changing nature of the main character. Yes, I’m ready for the changes, ready to redefine myself again but this time for reasons determined and established by me. Keep reading my friends, we’re just getting started.

Until next time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 3: Feeling Alive

Its Sunday night, I walked stage yesterday and then everybody started asking me one question: “so, how do you feel?” Strangely, I had no response for this, I almost wasn’t sure what was meant by it. I mean, clearly I understand, but I didn’t really feel any different, I still don’t. I’m not sure if part of it is knowing that I’m not done with school, or if it just hasn’t hit me yet, but as I look at the pictures, it’s almost like I’m not seeing myself in them. I know I was there, and I remember it – sort of, but it’s mostly a blur. I know that what I do feel is grateful and loved and accomplished and ready to take the next step. I worked incredibly hard to get to that point yesterday, maybe so hard that the reason it didn’t feel different is because I knew I deserved it. I deserved to be recognized and to receive a degree (which, while currently pending final grades, will undoubtedly happen). I felt grateful that my friends and family shared the day with me, to include a friend that doesn’t even live in El Paso anymore. I felt loved by those same people (and others whom congratulated me prior to the event). I felt…good.

So, now that my life as an undergrad is through, I’m preparing for new things, some you already know, some you do not. I’ve been steadily packing up, getting ready for a move but also getting ready for what promises to be an exciting summer. In June, I head to Annandale, MN where I accepted a position with Friendship Ventures to be a camp counselor. I will be at Camp Friendship until the middle of August, where I anticipate a great number of things. The camp is for people with disabilities such as autism, down syndrome, physical disabilities, etc, to include children and adults alike. For those of you who don’t know, I was originally planning on doing my Master’s work in Communication Disorders, so to be able to work at Camp Friendship this summer is an amazing gift to me. I changed my program because I feel that my passion for education outweighs my passion for communication disorders but only marginally and with this new enterprise I've felt new motivation. I’m beginning to wonder if somewhere along the way, some sort of fusion will occur between the two passions. I don’t know why I feel like this, it's like this door was presented and opened for a specific reason, I just need to wait and see what that reason is.

I will be returning to El Paso with only a week to load up my things and move down south to San Antonio. My life as a graduate student officially begins on August 22^nd at 9am. I expect that my life as a graduate student will be equally full and tiresome but I welcome it, in fact, I can’t wait to get started. I took a graduate course this last semester, one in which I had to get special authorization for and needed to have multiple conversations with two professors about, and it was almost a bigger hassle getting in than actually taking the course. I recently completed my final paper, which was the written report on a semester long research project. I was nervous about it, thinking it was poorly written and remembering that quite frankly, I just didn't care anymore. I just learned of the grade I received on that paper and not only did I ace it, but it and one other paper were used as demonstrations of "how a good paper should look." It's moments like these that remind me of why I love being a student.

After graduation, my best friend and I went to Ft. Bliss for Armed Forces Day. We went with one intention and one intention only – to rappel. You may be asking yourself why any sane person would want to volunteer to rappel down a 45 foot tower but I assure you, it can do more to change you than one would think. We’ve talked about it before because she had done it a few years ago and I said that next time, I would do it too. Well, this was the first opportunity at “next time” that we got, but the closer we got to the date, the more my reasons for wanting to do it changed. While originally it just seemed like something fun, it began to take on more symbolic meaning. I was graduating college, my boyfriend was just deployed, I am starting a new chapter in my life with graduate school and the move; I no longer just want to do this – I NEED to do this. I needed to do something that would require me to face myself, every fear, every doubt, every change, every good moment and everything yet to come. If I turned around and walked back down the stairs, I would know that I am not strong enough for my own life, but that didn’t happen, not even the second time. It became an event, like getting a new tattoo to symbolize my state in time, it marked a new beginning. For my best friend and me together, it was a post graduation present, a late afternoon activity, it was something fun for us to do. For me alone, it was a defining moment and now, I’m ready for whatever life throws at me. That singular event was the best representation of everything that I’ve tried to express through writing.

“How do you feel?” they all asked.
“I feel...alive.”

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 2: Another Year Older…YES! Another Year Wiser…Decision Pending.

Ah yes, another birthday celebration has come and gone. It began with dinner and a loaded birthday card from my parents on the 19th…a steady and continuous flow of phone calls, emails, and text messages on the 21st and a fancy schmanzy little get together on the 25th. It was a bittersweet celebration for several reasons.

For one, it represented both the quiet serenity that comes with getting older, which I do in fact enjoy (found with my parents) and the mix of warmth and laughter and slight chaos which I also greatly enjoy (found with my friends).

On the other hand, it reminds me of a difficult time, one which isn’t spoken of often and one in which I feel immense guilt. I can still remember coming home from class on my birthday, my uncle was in town, and we went with my mom to see my grandmother in the hospital. It was the last time I would see her, my last opportunity to say good-bye although I had so many opportunities to see her before that night. I don’t know if fear kept me away or denial or maybe some combination of both. I know it looked like another person was keeping me but the reality was that I had the choice and I chose to stay away. I remember holding her hand and telling her things I should have said when she was still aware. I remember telling her how jealous I was that she got to see my cousin get married and that she would never be there when I did. I remember telling her that she was the most beautiful woman I ever had the privilege of knowing and that if I could only be half of who she was, I would know that I was at least good. I remember wanting to believe in miracles and wanting to fully reinstate my faith in something bigger than myself. And I remember how I felt knowing she wasn’t coming home again. Like a lost child, I clung to all that I could for as long as I could but to this day have yet to acknowledge the headstone in which her name has been inscribed.

Two sides battle as I reconcile feelings. One part of me feels as though I have a duty to visit once before I leave, since there is no set time for my return. But part of me knows that it’s ridiculous to think that the only way I can continue remembering and loving her is to visit a headstone. She isn’t there after all, and the tradition of speaking her name hasn’t been lost so why does that urge to return persist? Is it guilt alone, for not visiting when I should have? Or is it bigger than that? Bigger than me? Maybe this isn’t about something I owe to her; maybe somehow, this is about what I owe to myself.

Additionally, I owe it to myself to take control and regain some aspect of my life, while celebrating with my friends was fantastic this past weekend; somewhere things went from great to just below great with no space in between. My necessary and functioning upchuck reflexes left little to be desired by the end of the night and this after promising myself those days were behind me. What I can’t seem to wrap my mind around is: why? I still don’t know why I did it and why I couldn’t stop. Maybe it served as a masque for everything but that is exactly what I want to avoid. Finding the strength in not letting it happen again; this will be my greatest test. But I’ve fought it once before, so I know I can fight it again.

So one final toast (luckily imaginary this time) to turning another year older bringing me closer to 30, which I’m strangely excited for and to the possibility of making me another year wiser, this of course is still to be determined. As my birthday marks a new year -> I can’t wait to see what’s in store!

Until next time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 1: Emotional Overload

I realize that The Newest Chapter could very easily be considered chapter one but why not make it the introduction? Doesn’t every book need an introduction? Well ok, maybe not, maybe introductions do seem unnecessary and overly verbose. (Overly verbose…is that redundant)? But I failed to take into account that I would need to start somewhere and I had, in essence, already done that but that was by no means the first chapter.

I have been going through and preparing for some drastic life changes and I’ve realized lately that the recognition of these changes has made me an emotional wreck. Let’s begin with things I’ve been anticipating: applying to and awaiting acceptance (or rejection) from Graduate School, my last birthday to be spent in El Paso with close friends, my significant other and an upcoming deployment, matriculation, all of these things to occur before the end of May!

On April 2nd I received official confirmation of my acceptance to Graduate School, so I can stop sweating that now right? Right? Maybe not so much, it seems I’m more obsessed with it now than ever and all of a sudden excitement turned into absolute fear! HOLY MOTHER! I’M GOING TO GRADUATE SCHOOL! That’s where I have to decide on a thesis right…and research…and write…and never eat, sleep, or use the restroom again! Should I even bother renting an apartment? Maybe I should just find a nice niche in the library and make that my permanent residence for the next two years (at least). The combination of being overjoyed by the news and being terrified of change has left my typically dry eyes slightly wet.

Why would my birthday be cause for emotional overload, you ask? Well, because it is the last one I will spend in El Paso (at least for a good while) and it will be with my closest friends (as it usually is). It has just dawned on me that these people, whom I’ve turned to a countless number of times over the past couple of years, will not be in San Antonio with me. It is almost as if I planned on them packing up their things and coming along, but not that I would ever being waving good-bye from the back seat of the car, like the idealistic girl with high expectations and no clue about what lies just around the corner. I have been lucky enough to be found by such amazing people, especially at a time when I couldn’t find myself. I can honestly say that I don’t know how I would have survived the past two years if not for those I call my friends. So, to answer your question, thinking about being with everybody and enjoying each moment as we always do has again resulted in an involuntary release of salt water from my dry and desolate eyes.

Speaking of friends, those who got me through some tough times are also seeing some major changes when it comes to the next topic - my love life. Yes, I have one – again. I know, I said I wasn’t going to find anyone in this little, west Texas town and I was convinced that love may not exist at all in this world, at least not for me, not in the form of two people finding solace in each other but, I was wrong. I have been lucky enough to come to an intersection along my journey where I can sit a while and just be. It hasn’t taken long for me to see myself reflected in his eyes and to become completely enraptured by the mere thought of us, yet when we are together I lose all sense of time and space and when we are apart my body aches. There is a longing for him that I’ve never felt before, I more than miss him everyday and my affection grows faster than I can keep up with, it is this whirlwind of emotion and fear. I can barley stand a day without his voice or touch, what happens when I have to withstand a year? No, I don’t question my ability to do it, I just wonder how long it will take before my aching body becomes numb, wouldn’t it be easier if I just couldn’t feel? That brings me to emotional overload: the anxiety and stress is starting to take its toll, the days are getting shorter and the aching in my body is turning into an aching in my soul. I wouldn’t change it though; I wouldn’t take any of it back. My eyes have swelled and tears have fallen, hopeful and childlike emotion runs down my face. I chose you my love, for a reason and with no expectations for tomorrow - yet now it seems we live in a constant state of tomorrows, but I’ll stay there for as long as you’ll have me.

As if all of the above wasn’t quite enough, let us finish this crazy roller coaster with my upcoming graduation. After seven years in the workforce, I finally decided to go back to school full time and finish my degree. WOW! Has that been a 10 ticket thrill ride! I’ve never felt so absolutely insane and vindicated at the same time, but what a sense of accomplishment! While I never really doubted my ability to do something, there were times when I was so overwhelmed that I thought for sure, this is going to be the death of me, this is where I won’t succeed, wrong again! I must love how it feels though because I’m about to put myself through it all over again. Just keep winning tickets, I want to stay on this ride for a while. The tears this time are those of joy and disbelief, like nervous laughter, I just don’t know where they came from.

Yes, more lies ahead, more fear and apprehension beyond graduation day but for now, my emotions run this course. Bear with me as I oscillate through waves of emotion. Usually I’ll deal with multiple issues in small sets, but never in a back to back surge of activity that leaves me breathless and exhilarated at the same time.

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon

Introductions!!

Yes! I've broken down and finally created a blog here on blogspot (which also means I've finally broken down and created a gmail acct).

Reasons for starting this new blog are as follows:
1 - I'm detesting myspace and facebook more and more everyday but would like to have a way to keep people informed especially with all the changes coming up...
2 - hmm...there really is no #2.

So welcome to my blog, aptly titled Great Books have Great Chapters because our lives are like sagas, one book following the next, but if the first chapter doesn't reel you in, you won't bother reading the rest. Every new adventure or great change marks a new chapter and sometimes even a new book and yours truly is about to begin both.

In May I will finally receive my undergraduate degree, after years of one class semesters and working full time, I finally made a decision to go back in Fall of 2007 and have been hitting the books hard ever since. Who knew that I would be on a path to continue my education but as fate would have it, I am! In August I will begin coursework on my Master's in San Antonio! I am excited for the change and eagerly awaiting the day that my life takes on new meaning. I'll be adding blogs as often as I can and will occassionally include a random photo or two. In the meantime, I should probably do work I'm supposed to be doing rather than creating this blog ;)

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon