Chapter 16: We Take You Now to the Sidelines

I feel as though it has been a while since my last blog even though I have managed to pull off two video logs. By the way, those video logs are way fun! Here now, is my grand attempt at recapping the last semester (because this is how my life works...a semester at a time) and preparing you (and myself) for what comes next.

1 --> School: This semester was in many ways easier but in many ways more difficult. My adjustment to graduate life may be cause for the feelings of ease. I've become used to the routine, I know what to expect, I've figured out how to do the work, and I'm finding a spot in the field. I no longer feel like the 'new kid' on the block. It was more difficult, however, because the workload was more intense, the expectations were higher and there were a million other things going on at the same time. The first week of March, my colleague and I spent a week in Chicago at the CIES (Comparative & International Educational Society) Conference. We presented our preliminary research while we were there and did some networking. I was also lucky enough to see an old friend from my freshman year of college. For spring break, I travelled back to DFW to see friends so close to my heart that I refer to them as family. In April my colleague and I presented our research again at the IDS (Interdisciplinary Studies) Colloquium amongst our peers. Finally, at the end of April, I was frantically trying to pull everything together as final papers and projects were due...I managed to pull it off as well as another 4.0 semester! Whew! It really does feel good.

I did a lot of writing this semester, all different lit reviews in hopes that something would spawn an idea for my thesis. I have been stressing over what to do about thesis because I was having a difficult time narrowing down topics/ideas/seeds of research. Finally, I just made a list and my advisor and I went through it. As I talked her through each idea, she listened, nodded her head and in the end said, "well the theme here is that identity is important to you as well as printed text." I was amazed...not even I had noticed a 'theme' in my topics, to me they were completely random and had nothing to do with each other! This is why I love that she's my advisor (and former professor), because her brain is always on fire! We talked and I have come up with my thesis -- framework, topic, methodology and probably my committee although, I have not formerly asked yet. I at least know who I want to support and guide me through this, soon to be, most chaotic part of my life.

2 --> Work: I love my job, I do. I have the luxury of working from home, which is always nice, especially on days like today where the rain is coming down so hard, you can't see an inch in front of you. I love that I sit on the development team and get to use some creative engery, it's great when you get to say, "I have to youtube this dance so that I have a point of reference." Who else gets to watch youtube videos as 'research' for their job? Most times, the work I have to do can be done when I'm taking a break from writing a paper or reading for class. Much of what I do can be done late at night when I can't sleep; like I said...it's a luxury.

In April, actually, let me rephrase...for the month of April, four of our Malawian colleagues were in San Antonio and we were able to work side by side for the first time. While April proved to be a crazy busy month and days were long, it was probably one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. I'm incredibly greatful that such an opportunity was presented and now I have four new friends. We had additional visits from Malawian government officials, althouh, I didn't take part in much of what they did, that was a different part of the program. However, I did get to meet everyone and enjoyed our breakfast together before they left...who else can say s/he met the Deputy Ambassador for another country on her/his birthday..or ever!? I would have liked to take part in a few more of the activities that took place, but school called and I answered. Now the talk circles around the potential for a trip in July...but I will wait to comment on that later...

3 --> Personal: I could probably write an entire chapter on this section, but I'll keep it brief. In January, Caleb came to San Antonio for R&R. It was right when school was starting, so the timing was less than desirable, but I was bound to make that work since I hadn't seen him since May 6th (the day he left for Iraq). He went home for four days and when he returned, our life together was turned around. Chances are, if you're a friend of mine, you already know what happened so I'll spare the details here. Before he left to go back, I was torn about what would happen next, but I was willing to try and make things work. Nothing was the same as it had been before and I knew very quickly, that they never would be again, despite the path our relationship would take. In March, I learned something about myself and about him and I ended our relationship. While doing it through an email was never my first choice, or really a consideration at all, I knew that there was no other option. I had to have an explanation for why I wouldn't be there when he came home and I knew I couldn't show up just to tell him that it was over, it seemed that would have been more damaging than writing the email.

Since then, we've had some communication and it was incredibly difficult for me to deal with emotions on the night that he returned. It took every ounce of strength for me to keep from driving to El Paso and showing up. The support from my friends has been mixed, while some tell me that they will still support me even if I should decide that I still want to try again with him, others have extended the complete opposite sentiments. The reality of the situation is that I'm an adult, fully capable of making my own decisions and being comfortable with them. I would like to not compromise friendships along the way, no matter what the issue, but then I remind myself, that those who are truely my friends will always be there. What it has shown me has been more about who I am rather than who they are and what I really feel. While some have offerred to break his knee-caps or have applauded me for not burning his things, the truth is that I never had that much anger. I never hated him, I still don't so, while slightly comical, those thoughts were never true to what I was feeling. The love that I have for Caleb will always remain, it has shifted and will continue to shift and what happens next will not be about getting even but will be about doing what is right for me.

My birthday/new year just passed and I didn't have a lot of time to really reflect over the last year and resolve for the next one but this is what I came up with: I have changed! Undoubtedly, we all do, but I'm recognizing those changes more and more everyday and everytime I interact with people. I notice those changes when I talk to friends from the past and friends from my present. I notice those changes as I reunite with old faces and when I meet new ones. No, there is no definition for who I am, and there probably never will be one; but maybe that's because I like it better that way. I don't like being a category, something that can be boxed, I like my chameleon-like nature and the fact that I can have a plethora of friends from all walks of life. I like learning about people, places, and events. I feel as though my last year was a true journey, full of changes, full of trials, full of reconciliations and full of self-discovery. I wouldn't change any of it, not the hurt, not the anger, not the fear and certainly, not the laughter.

This is perhaps the longest 'recap' in the history of recaps, but then, I'm a bit wordy. I'm headed out tonight for a weekend with an old friend and one of my favorite two-step partners. I'm looking forward to catching up, meeting new people, and learning yet another new thing about myself. 

Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 15: ...and I feel fine...

Video Blog #2!!! You should be warned that I move my head and hands a lot in this one and I've been up for days so I'm probably a little crazy! 


The title of this chapter has been lifted from a comment left on my FB from a dear, dear friend of mine in response to my sharing of R.E.M. -- It's the End of the World. It is the end of something...a semester...and I've slowly gone insane! It took forever to get thing working with it so I just finished it...my revisions were actually done before 9! I can't believe it either. I am about to go to bed...as soon as this thing is ready for publishing. 


Hopefully this video helps to keep people up to date just a bit and hold you over until the next 'traditional' blog. As soon as revisions are done, I'm going to bed for a few days ... Enjoy!


...and I feel fine... [video]

Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon