I don't even know where to begin. This has been the longest and fastest year of my life - so far. I guess I'll start with a brief description of how the year started. I had no big plans, in fact, I had no plans...until...a close friend called me in need. While her circumstances weren't festive we managed to pull off a quiet, calm, somewhat drunk, and enjoyable night. You should know by now that I believe that the way you spend your New Year's Eve sets a precedent for the forthcoming year but that's not to mean that I thought she would be in a constant state of distress or that I would always have alcohol (although that last part is pretty true). However, that night wouldn't have much meaning until almost a year later but we'll come back to that.
For the first two months of the year I was in a state of functioning depression, meaning that I managed to get out of bed for work but aside from that few people saw much of me. All I did and wanted to do was sleep. I rarely ate, rarely bathed (don't judge), rarely got dressed on days/time off, rarely talked to anyone. I had been feeling this way for a while but after my commencement ceremony and having to stay in San Antonio for the holidays - alone - I slipped into a downward spiral. I managed to pull myself out of bed, bathe, and dress for nights out with my closest San Antonio gal pals but in all honesty, even that was hard to do. Luckily, I managed to pull myself together for a valentine inspired ladies night and it changed everything. Italian dessert-Italian style (shared and family-esque) and discussions of dreams prompted me to purchase a non-refundable plane ticket to Rome...but more on that later. February was also when I let the world know about a decision I had made much earlier: I would be leaving San Antonio at the end of April...
Throughout March and April I managed to find my way out of a funk, get out with my gals, finish working, and pack. By the time it was time for me to say good-bye to San Antonio I was ready, so I thought.
I spent the first week and a half in El Paso at my parents house and then headed to Italy for 4.5 weeks. You can read about it here: Miss Adventure if you're interested in reading about the adventure. My trip was impulsive at first but then deliberately planned. It provided much needed space and fresh air to breathe. I met new people, had a pleasant job, and thought that I had cleared my mind of things...more on that later. Toward the end of my trip it was also brought to my attention that some people, "friends," had feelings about my travel. Whether it was jealousy or pure hate, I don't know but I didn't have anything to prove when I took that trip. I didn't do it to show off or make a statement about being better than anyone; I did it because I could, because I needed to, because I was suffocating in San Antonio, because I had no idea what would become of my life and I had no idea where or how I should figure it out. I did it because I wanted to. What other reason did I need? Italy was the best 4.5 weeks of my life in 2012, I wouldn't change anything about it and if people want to be bothered by my life, well, that's on them.
I returned to the States just in time for Father's Day and stayed in El Paso until the end of July. During the short stay my dad and I took a road trip to Boulder for a job interview. That road trip and the one we would end up having in September were not profound but were classic memories and perfectly timed. Upon returning from Boulder I made a return trip to San Antonio for my friend's 40th birthday celebration. It was strange being back so soon after leaving. A part of me felt like I had returned home and a part of me felt as if San Antonio was never more than a stranger. And in a brief moment, all I thought I cleared from my mind in Italy came rushing back. I left San Antonio with only a couple of weeks until my move to Colorado and on my drive back to El Paso I missed a call. When I listened to the message it was an offer for the job in Boulder - I was so excited!
I spent about a month living with my sister and family in Colorado Springs before finding a place closer to Boulder. I traveled back to San Antonio to meet my dad, unload my storage unit, and drive back to Longmont - all over the Labor Day Weekend. I was back on my own again...and then the seasons changed...
...and with the chill of a cool breeze everything that I thought I left in Italy rushed back and it was like Italy never happened at all. I realized while reflecting on my past, romantic relationships and my role in them that my issues were deeper and that the people who hurt me are more than ex-boyfriends. I felt as though I had discovered some deep, dark, forbidden secret. All the people who have hurt me have done so because I have let them. It took a long time for me to realize, acknowledge, understand, and recover from this but now, moving into a new year, I am ready to make necessary changes within myself.
Remember I said we would come back to last new year...well, here we are. In retrospect my last new year was symbolic of one thing: the ebb and flow of personal relationships. I spent the entire year trying to understand, forget, ignore, protect, resolve, and grow in personal relationships. I was made aware directly and indirectly of what/how people think of me. I was shown love and I felt incredible hurt from those I least expected. I hope that I was a quality friend and family member and I know, fully, who is in my corner today. Last new year my friend came to me in need and I was able to be there for her. Since, the things she came to me have cleared, thankfully, and we continue to be there for each other. As I prepare to move into 2013 I will not be angry, I will not carry resentment, I will not feel let down. I will model appropriate behavior, I will value who I am, I will not be afraid. I will continue to be a friend and learn to let go of the need to understand, knowing that when the time is right, I'll discover what needs to be learnt.
As for NYE this year, I'm in El Paso with my parents. I was initially going to use NYE to travel back to Colorado so it will be interesting to see how the impending year will unfold. Still, I stand firm in believing that NYE sets the precedent and whatever 2013 has in store for me, I have faith that it will only be bigger and better than 2012.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
