Some of you know that I can be a little bipolar when it comes to Facebook -
I'm gonna delete it.
I love it!
I'm gonna delete it.
I can't stay away!
I'm gonna delete it.
I have friends!
I'm gonna delete it.
I need it!
I'm gonna delete it.
There are various reasons why my relationship with Facebook is so toxic but most of it has to do with yours truly. I like the facespace when it works to unite friends or open a space for intelligent discussion or comedic drunken behavior between friends across time zones (<--- someone should edit my grammar there). But I dislike the facespace when its users become tainted, twisted, tortured versions of themselves. Maybe not tortured but I like alliteration...
My oldest friends or those who are new but know me well enough will have no reason to believe that anything I say here is about them. However, if you're reading this and you, for the briefest moment, stop and think, "Is she referring to me?" maybe I am. It isn't anything new but it is something that has resulted in the loss of whatever shred of tolerance was left.
I am so utterly disgusted with the things that I see/read, the immediate dismissal of anything I have to contribute if it doesn't resonate with what the other person/people are thinking, and the drama that I thought I was rid of when I refused to associate with people in high school. I am continually saddened by the lack of humanity and care for things that matter and the acceptance of dehumanizing each other for the sake of "being right." Finally, if all you know about me is what you see on Facebook then you really don't know me at all so my last rant has to do with my growing hatred of the phrase, "I thought you were (adjective like, smarter, goes here) than that."
And what REALLY bugs me about all the things that are personal to me is that most of the time people don't even have the nerve to comment publicly when they disagree. NO. They choose, instead, to private message me with their hate. Why is that?
Why can't you speak your mind, out loud, like I spoke mine? Are you afraid of something? Do you recognize the people who will stand up in my corner? Do they scare you?
GOOD! But if the best you can be is a coward, then end our friendship and delete me from your friend list because we have nothing left to give to one another.
I'm impulsive, and passionate, and I do believe in speaking my mind and fighting for what I think is right in this world. I'm not ashamed to do it. I am, however, refusing to do it in a forum that has no guidelines for respect, honesty, integrity, value, discretion, or humility. So I've made a decision about my behavior and Facebook and I'm going to share that with you, now.
I've decided to keep my profile. I have decided to open a tumblr. account which is something I've been considering for a little while. I have, for now, linked the two so when there is activity on tumblr. it will appear in my Facebook feed. BUT I will no longer be as active a participant on Facebook as you're used to. I've removed the app from my tablet and my phone so if you were using it as a primary method of communication with me, well, you better consider another option. And if I find that linking tumblr. and Facebook has become problematic, I'll just uncheck the box on my tumblr. account to end all activity on Facebook...easy.
Some of this is personal, yes. But most of this is because it's already depressing enough just to read the news but to be surrounded by so much ignorance via "friend" feeds and whatnot has become intolerable and since my behavior is easier to modify, this is my first change.
If this offended anyone, I'm not sorry. I've accepted that we may not always see things eye to eye but that in those differences we should be able to create discourse. This is my alternative, eliminate the source of the problem and the symptoms never have to be treated again - or covered with a band-aid.
But hey, I'm keeping my profile, and isn't that what everyone wanted?
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
26 July 2012
25 July 2012
Chapter 30: My Big Move
In April, 2009, I started this blog. I did it partly because I needed an outlet for writing, partly because I wanted to share my experiences with an audience (any size, any person, any...body willing to read). Mostly, I started this blog as a way of working through my life changes, a way of providing a space for my (then) partner to be involved from an ocean away, a way for close friends to know what was going on when I was too lazy to write an email.
I've looked back on those earlier entries, read through them, remembered the changes that were occurring at that time and thought about the changes happening now. Here's what I've noticed...
Similarities:
Just graduated and getting ready to move for a new start somewhere.
Travel.
Packing.
Planning.
Being outside my comfort zone (mostly with travel).
New friends.
Old friends.
Anticipation of things to come.
Differences:
Moving for school vs. moving for a change.
Love.
Moving in TX vs. moving out of TX.
What the anticipation of things to come, means.
Personal emotions regarding the changes to include the reason for moving to the location chosen for the move...this is the most difficult piece to consider.
I have to reconcile some feeling regarding the move I made three years ago and the move I'm making now. If you know me or you've followed with regularity over the past three years, you are fully aware that I would not, for any reason, change anything. The experiences that I've had and the opportunities that I've been fortunate enough to accept have changed me in ways that I still cannot articulate. And there are reasons for everything even if I (we) don't know or can't understand those reasons at the time...or even soon after. Having said that, the only reason I chose San Antonio was because of CT. I wanted to be close when he returned to the states. I wanted to be near a military base should he be eligible for a new duty station. I wanted to be in a city influenced by the military while he was gone because for me, it kept me sane and grounded when I couldn't communicate with him. At least someone here will understand, I thought, should I ever need to talk about my deployed soldier. Because of this, I knew San Antonio would never be a long-term residency. And I didn't choose UTSA for it's graduate program, although I did make sure that I could align myself with the faculty/program before I applied. I didn't plan on making friends as much as I planned on focusing on school and getting out so that my life with CT could finally be what it should be. San Antonio was always meant to be a lily pad, a stepping stone, a temporary notch and the only city that made sense if I wanted out of El Paso but not out of Texas.
What does this have to do with reconciling feelings? In thinking and talking about the reason behind my move to San Antonio, I feel like it sounds as though nothing good came of it. And in some ways, San Antonio does have a dark cloud over some of my memories, especially the early months. Between a failed relationship and having my apartment broken into while I was home, the first several months there were wrought with hostility. After the hostility came the water damage and failed attempts at dating and then finally, a break. Friendships changed, academia changed, work changed, scenery changed, and my attitude changed. During the last year, I have come away with some of the best experiences and memories of my life. In telling that story I don't think I have to reconcile feelings at all. Although my reasons for moving there were (mostly) all wrong, I still wouldn't change any of it...wait, except maybe the last car accident I was involved in - I'd change that.
Anyway, that brings us to the feelings I have with this move. For some reason this feels entirely different, not better or worse, just different. My purpose is different, my goals are different, my reasons are different, my expectations are different. And while I can't say with certainty whether I'll call CO home, I do know that I have a plan to stay there for a good while. I do anticipate positive, healthy, happy changes. I don't know why I feel this, there is no explanation but it's like my entire body is energized and my bones are sensing only good. Maybe I'm more excited than I realize, maybe I feel like the worst has happened so I can only meet positivity, maybe I am just more ready now than I have ever been for experiencing a life that I've decided to lead. It started with Rome, the idea that I could control this journey in some way, that I could go where I want and do what I want and not be obligated to another person.
And there it is...the biggest difference and change of all...for the first time in my entire adult life I am not so-and-so's girlfriend, I'm just...me. Strange to think that for the past 15 years I have "belonged" to someone (different someones but someone nonetheless), and now, at 31, I'm finally facing this world on my own. It's scary, it's sad, it's exciting but mostly, it's liberating. Thank you San Antonio for setting me up for what is bound to be one of the best decisions of my life.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
I've looked back on those earlier entries, read through them, remembered the changes that were occurring at that time and thought about the changes happening now. Here's what I've noticed...
Similarities:
Just graduated and getting ready to move for a new start somewhere.
Travel.
Packing.
Planning.
Being outside my comfort zone (mostly with travel).
New friends.
Old friends.
Anticipation of things to come.
Differences:
Moving for school vs. moving for a change.
Love.
Moving in TX vs. moving out of TX.
What the anticipation of things to come, means.
Personal emotions regarding the changes to include the reason for moving to the location chosen for the move...this is the most difficult piece to consider.
I have to reconcile some feeling regarding the move I made three years ago and the move I'm making now. If you know me or you've followed with regularity over the past three years, you are fully aware that I would not, for any reason, change anything. The experiences that I've had and the opportunities that I've been fortunate enough to accept have changed me in ways that I still cannot articulate. And there are reasons for everything even if I (we) don't know or can't understand those reasons at the time...or even soon after. Having said that, the only reason I chose San Antonio was because of CT. I wanted to be close when he returned to the states. I wanted to be near a military base should he be eligible for a new duty station. I wanted to be in a city influenced by the military while he was gone because for me, it kept me sane and grounded when I couldn't communicate with him. At least someone here will understand, I thought, should I ever need to talk about my deployed soldier. Because of this, I knew San Antonio would never be a long-term residency. And I didn't choose UTSA for it's graduate program, although I did make sure that I could align myself with the faculty/program before I applied. I didn't plan on making friends as much as I planned on focusing on school and getting out so that my life with CT could finally be what it should be. San Antonio was always meant to be a lily pad, a stepping stone, a temporary notch and the only city that made sense if I wanted out of El Paso but not out of Texas.
What does this have to do with reconciling feelings? In thinking and talking about the reason behind my move to San Antonio, I feel like it sounds as though nothing good came of it. And in some ways, San Antonio does have a dark cloud over some of my memories, especially the early months. Between a failed relationship and having my apartment broken into while I was home, the first several months there were wrought with hostility. After the hostility came the water damage and failed attempts at dating and then finally, a break. Friendships changed, academia changed, work changed, scenery changed, and my attitude changed. During the last year, I have come away with some of the best experiences and memories of my life. In telling that story I don't think I have to reconcile feelings at all. Although my reasons for moving there were (mostly) all wrong, I still wouldn't change any of it...wait, except maybe the last car accident I was involved in - I'd change that.
Anyway, that brings us to the feelings I have with this move. For some reason this feels entirely different, not better or worse, just different. My purpose is different, my goals are different, my reasons are different, my expectations are different. And while I can't say with certainty whether I'll call CO home, I do know that I have a plan to stay there for a good while. I do anticipate positive, healthy, happy changes. I don't know why I feel this, there is no explanation but it's like my entire body is energized and my bones are sensing only good. Maybe I'm more excited than I realize, maybe I feel like the worst has happened so I can only meet positivity, maybe I am just more ready now than I have ever been for experiencing a life that I've decided to lead. It started with Rome, the idea that I could control this journey in some way, that I could go where I want and do what I want and not be obligated to another person.
And there it is...the biggest difference and change of all...for the first time in my entire adult life I am not so-and-so's girlfriend, I'm just...me. Strange to think that for the past 15 years I have "belonged" to someone (different someones but someone nonetheless), and now, at 31, I'm finally facing this world on my own. It's scary, it's sad, it's exciting but mostly, it's liberating. Thank you San Antonio for setting me up for what is bound to be one of the best decisions of my life.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
18 July 2012
Chapter 29: Writing a New Book
When was my last blog entry...? Sometime around January, I think, obviously too long ago. What have I missed in terms of updating:
My New Year Resolution
My Big Move
My Recent Travels
My Big Move
Finding Love in a Hopeless Place
My Big Move
So without further ado, and in a (greatly) abridged version here you go:
I celebrated the one year anniversary of my 30th birthday on Saturday (4.21) and because I'm also in the process of moving from San Antonio to (somewhere) Colorado, I had a dual bday-slash-going away dinner. Additionally, Sunday (4.22) was my last day of work and despite the wine hangover and late night, I made it on time. My dinner was wonderful, surrounded by friends, colleagues, people I respect, admire, look to for approval (they probably don't realize I do this but it's true) and when I left at the end of the night, I felt a sense of completeness...well...except that I didn't write my new year resolution and I still have no idea what it will/should be...
And that brings us to this very unnatural and awkward segue into my big move. I left San Antonio. Finally. I don't know who remembers this but when I moved to San Antonio I did so knowing that I wouldn't be there for long. That is where the university was, that is where I would complete my Master's but then that is where I would leave when school was all over. I stuck around for eight extra months but it was time to go. I knew I wanted to leave, to make my way north where family and friends frolic in snow but for a while the timing of it was undetermined. By December I decided it had to be soon and by January I made up my mind that my move would happen when the lease on my apartment ended. Much of that decision was based on my job and my growing animosity and also largely on the fact that I applied to over 30 positions in four months in San Antonio and didn't get a single interview. If I was going to be jobless it wouldn't be long before I was homeless too so...hey sister, I'm moving in. Thanks.
In February the ladies and I had a fantastic Valentine's Day Girl's Night Out where we talked about our dreams...by the end of the month I was making one of my dreams come true when I booked a non-refundable, non-exchangeable, ticket to Rome...Italy...with a return flight 4.5 weeks later, all to commence just after I left San Antonio! Was it impulsive? Sort of. Was it crazy? Probably. Was it the best decision of my life? YES! Was it my Eat.Pray.Love moment? Yes, except rather than a healthy cry on the floor of my bathroom I crawled into my closet and closed the door out of the sheer embarrassment that my cat would witness my uncontrollable sobbing and the guttural sounds of self-loathing. Booking the flight was the first step in getting me out of a funk. It also gave me something to work for, to look forward to, to anticipate. I rented an apartment, paid for the entire trip before I left, and had the most amazing time. Yes, alone...no, on my own. You can read about it here: Miss Adventure's Travel Blog. After I packed 90% of my life into a 5x9 storage unit in San Antonio, I headed to El Paso, then Italy, then back to El Paso...
...which is where I am now, a week away from my move to Colorado. There was no real hurry to move north since I didn't really have a job or responsibilities waiting for me. On July 2nd I headed to Boulder for a job interview. It's a half time position so people thought I was crazy for travelling all that way for half-time work. I say it's a good experience with a good program in a good Montessori school and I want to be a part of all that goodness. Also, I need to work on my CO teaching certification so half-time employment would really give me time to do both. Mostly, I'm the type of person who would rather take a half-time opportunity in my field, doing the thing I paid money getting a degree to do, than secure full-time employment doing something I hate. I have resources...a cushion, if you will...I don't need full-time work right now.
Another awkward segue into ... love ...? Ok. Here's the thing. I had a moment in Italy when I realized a few things about myself as a lover/partner/whatever. I finally returned an email to the ex telling him why we couldn't be friends and that I may never accept his friendship. Why is that important? Because I was finally able to write that email without hate or anger. It was simple. It was direct. It was civil. It was honest. The truth is that I know now what role I played for him and I think I understand what role he played for me. Our roles were short, they were never meant to last forever but it took a long time for me to realize that with him...or with anyone. The same night that I wrote his email I thought of all the past men from my adult-dating-relationship life and came to terms with each of our roles. Now, as I'm about to start this brand new book I know one thing about love, for certain, and that is this: I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Simple, right. Now that I've let go of all the hate and anger of all my past relationships I can wait to find that person and be ready to accept him with only love in my heart. And one day I'll meet him, one day, he'll step out of my dreams and into my world.
Finally, one last thought on my big move: this afternoon I was offered the job for which I interviewed at the beginning of the month. I am pretty excited about this and I feel in my bones that it's only the first of many new, wonderful, exciting experiences. I leave next week, will spend time with my sister while I look for a place closer to Boulder, and I'll start my new job on August 15th. If all goes well with apartment hunting and timing I'll return to San Antonio in September to empty that 5x9 box and finally be officially detached from that city...well, physically. I'm sure the people that were at my first anniversary-bday-slash-goodbye party will continue to be a part of my life and if they should ever need to bring me back to San Antonio, I would go but my life there is over.
Also, I think I do have a new year resolution after all and it's this: Live, simply and happily. Love, with absolute ferocity. Remember, every person and moment has a role in my life and me in theirs and when it's over, let it end. Trust, with sincerity. Believe, I always know exactly what I need to do and how to do it. Give, more of myself than feels comfortable because there will always be someone who can handle it.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
My New Year Resolution
My Big Move
My Recent Travels
My Big Move
My Big Move
So without further ado, and in a (greatly) abridged version here you go:
I celebrated the one year anniversary of my 30th birthday on Saturday (4.21) and because I'm also in the process of moving from San Antonio to (somewhere) Colorado, I had a dual bday-slash-going away dinner. Additionally, Sunday (4.22) was my last day of work and despite the wine hangover and late night, I made it on time. My dinner was wonderful, surrounded by friends, colleagues, people I respect, admire, look to for approval (they probably don't realize I do this but it's true) and when I left at the end of the night, I felt a sense of completeness...well...except that I didn't write my new year resolution and I still have no idea what it will/should be...
And that brings us to this very unnatural and awkward segue into my big move. I left San Antonio. Finally. I don't know who remembers this but when I moved to San Antonio I did so knowing that I wouldn't be there for long. That is where the university was, that is where I would complete my Master's but then that is where I would leave when school was all over. I stuck around for eight extra months but it was time to go. I knew I wanted to leave, to make my way north where family and friends frolic in snow but for a while the timing of it was undetermined. By December I decided it had to be soon and by January I made up my mind that my move would happen when the lease on my apartment ended. Much of that decision was based on my job and my growing animosity and also largely on the fact that I applied to over 30 positions in four months in San Antonio and didn't get a single interview. If I was going to be jobless it wouldn't be long before I was homeless too so...hey sister, I'm moving in. Thanks.
In February the ladies and I had a fantastic Valentine's Day Girl's Night Out where we talked about our dreams...by the end of the month I was making one of my dreams come true when I booked a non-refundable, non-exchangeable, ticket to Rome...Italy...with a return flight 4.5 weeks later, all to commence just after I left San Antonio! Was it impulsive? Sort of. Was it crazy? Probably. Was it the best decision of my life? YES! Was it my Eat.Pray.Love moment? Yes, except rather than a healthy cry on the floor of my bathroom I crawled into my closet and closed the door out of the sheer embarrassment that my cat would witness my uncontrollable sobbing and the guttural sounds of self-loathing. Booking the flight was the first step in getting me out of a funk. It also gave me something to work for, to look forward to, to anticipate. I rented an apartment, paid for the entire trip before I left, and had the most amazing time. Yes, alone...no, on my own. You can read about it here: Miss Adventure's Travel Blog. After I packed 90% of my life into a 5x9 storage unit in San Antonio, I headed to El Paso, then Italy, then back to El Paso...
...which is where I am now, a week away from my move to Colorado. There was no real hurry to move north since I didn't really have a job or responsibilities waiting for me. On July 2nd I headed to Boulder for a job interview. It's a half time position so people thought I was crazy for travelling all that way for half-time work. I say it's a good experience with a good program in a good Montessori school and I want to be a part of all that goodness. Also, I need to work on my CO teaching certification so half-time employment would really give me time to do both. Mostly, I'm the type of person who would rather take a half-time opportunity in my field, doing the thing I paid money getting a degree to do, than secure full-time employment doing something I hate. I have resources...a cushion, if you will...I don't need full-time work right now.
Another awkward segue into ... love ...? Ok. Here's the thing. I had a moment in Italy when I realized a few things about myself as a lover/partner/whatever. I finally returned an email to the ex telling him why we couldn't be friends and that I may never accept his friendship. Why is that important? Because I was finally able to write that email without hate or anger. It was simple. It was direct. It was civil. It was honest. The truth is that I know now what role I played for him and I think I understand what role he played for me. Our roles were short, they were never meant to last forever but it took a long time for me to realize that with him...or with anyone. The same night that I wrote his email I thought of all the past men from my adult-dating-relationship life and came to terms with each of our roles. Now, as I'm about to start this brand new book I know one thing about love, for certain, and that is this: I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Simple, right. Now that I've let go of all the hate and anger of all my past relationships I can wait to find that person and be ready to accept him with only love in my heart. And one day I'll meet him, one day, he'll step out of my dreams and into my world.
Finally, one last thought on my big move: this afternoon I was offered the job for which I interviewed at the beginning of the month. I am pretty excited about this and I feel in my bones that it's only the first of many new, wonderful, exciting experiences. I leave next week, will spend time with my sister while I look for a place closer to Boulder, and I'll start my new job on August 15th. If all goes well with apartment hunting and timing I'll return to San Antonio in September to empty that 5x9 box and finally be officially detached from that city...well, physically. I'm sure the people that were at my first anniversary-bday-slash-goodbye party will continue to be a part of my life and if they should ever need to bring me back to San Antonio, I would go but my life there is over.
Also, I think I do have a new year resolution after all and it's this: Live, simply and happily. Love, with absolute ferocity. Remember, every person and moment has a role in my life and me in theirs and when it's over, let it end. Trust, with sincerity. Believe, I always know exactly what I need to do and how to do it. Give, more of myself than feels comfortable because there will always be someone who can handle it.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
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