Chapter 48: Starting a New Series

Hey, Hi, Hello!

I have spent quite a bit of time processing my personal/romantic life and I have decided that the most constructive way to deal with all of that is through a creative outlet. It's been a while since I've created a vlog series, the last time being SOGS (Stressed Out Grad Student). I needed it then and I feel like I need it again so...

I started working this morning and have recorded the first in the series (Discover Dating). I plan to get a few episodes filmed and edited before I begin uploading them to YouTube. I feel good about this. I think it's going to be fun and possibly therapeutic. I hope you'll watch, follow, subscribe, share, and enjoy.

I've also created a new twitter account, specific to this blog: @c_chivon, so follow me there and send me your questions, feedback, and/or suggestions for future content. I'm looking forward to this new endeavor - join me, won't you?

Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 47: A Letter to Him

Dear You,

I know I shouldn’t be doing this, especially after the way I disappeared, but I have to tell you, I miss you.

Maybe it isn’t fair to say it, what can I expect to hear in return – nothing.

Maybe it wouldn’t be fair not to say it, what should everyone know – when they’re missed.

Either way, I’ve done it and now there is no going back. I guess I feel compelled to tell you this, now, because you’ve been on my mind so much lately. I’ve heard your name in crowds – yes, I know, it’s a common name, but it seems everywhere I go, there you are – your name, anyway. I hear songs on the radio that remind me of you, but not the typical popular songs, but songs that make me think I’m listening to Pandora instead. Pandora has a depressing way of bringing you up, it’s like she taunts me with every.single.song she plays.

I want you to know that I ran away because I was hurt and sad and missed you then too, but in a different way. Then, I was still waiting, hoping you would change your mind, knowing that you had more than moved on from whatever we once had – if that was anything at all. It was something for me, even if I didn’t show it very well. These days I miss you with a different kind of emotion, one that remembers all the happy moments instead of desperately wishing things had been different; and I guess, I want to apologize.

I feel the need to say that I’m sorry for making things so difficult, especially near the end. I never intended for our story to be written that way. I was confused. I wanted to believe that your move to CO had something to do with me, even if I knew I couldn’t be the whole reason. I was elated that you would be here; I wondered if it meant we would actually have a chance to try for something real. I regret never telling you that, or showing you exactly how happy I was that you would be near again. Instead I let the resentment build and I began to hate you for it. I made you the bad guy, when really; all you’ve ever been to me is the one person who I felt utterly safe with. I never told you that either – fear I guess, that you would think I was crazy. Fear that you didn’t feel the same way and that telling you would force you further away. You went away anyway, so I guess I should have told you – better to have loved and lost, right? Maybe those things don’t actually resonate, but it seems fitting.

There are so many of those moments, words lost to fear – fear of losing you and I lost you anyway. I feel foolish for that.

I don’t know why I think I have to tell you now, maybe putting it into the universe will help it go away and leave me with the memories but not the emotion. Maybe putting it in writing will help it leave my mind for good and I can finally rest again, even though my little bed is entirely too big without you in it. Now I’m babbling and getting sentimental which is not what I wanted to do at all; I just wanted to tell you that I miss you…I do, and I just thought I deserve to say it, finally, and you deserve to know.

Courtney

Chapter 46: Documenting Life

Hello dear readers,

It's been another year in Colorado, and although I wasn't entirely present in the blogsphere, I do feel that the few postings I made were thorough enough that I don't need to rundown the last 365 days, here.

That said, I can tell you that I plan to document year three in a big way. Specifics for that are yet to be determined, but "documenting life" will be my most used hashtag for the next 365. I have some big personal goals - more on those as they unfold, the grieving process is over, and I'm feeling bigger and better myself.

So here's to another year in Colorful Colorado!

Cheers & enjoy the year 2 slideshow!

Year 2 Video Review

Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 45: Cleansing

I’ve been meaning to write about this, but haven’t had a chance until…three days ago, but then my laziness won. Anyway, here I am, writing about it now.

A couple of weeks ago my friend and I went out for happy hour after our last day with students. We were celebrating the end of the school year, the start of summer vacation, and the great unknown of what’s to come. After a couple of drinks with one very drunk honey bee – I do hope he ended up being ok – we decided to go shopping. We wandered Pearl Street with giddiness, like two high school girls who were just asked to the prom by the “big guys on campus” but the real reason for it was the sheer enjoyment of each other’s company. I haven’t felt that wonderfully silly in a long time. To add to our impulsivity, we decided to check out the Boulder Psychic Institute. We had no expectations, we just want to check it out, but upon opening the door feared we had interrupted something special. Our barreling through with laughter might have sent the see-saw askew as we happened to walk in on practicing students cleaning peoples’ auras and chakras…oops. Sorry. We were just ducking back out when the hostess (I presume) told us what was happening and suggested that we put our names on the list to be cleansed – for free. My friend and I looked at each other and said, “why not,” then added our names to the list and sat to wait.

My friend when first and I watched for a bit while simultaneously trying [not] to listen to the various other conversations around me. One woman was being moved, emotionally, by her experience; you could tell it felt more real to her than anything has in quite some time. Eventually it was my turn. Sad to say, I don’t remember the name of the woman with whom I met, but I hope to find out – I felt connected to her and would like to meet with her again. Anyway, not knowing what to expect, I sat in the chair and let her do her thing. It wasn’t long after she started that I found it incredibly difficult to keep my eyes open. They were heavy, but not with fatigue, with something else. I fought a couple of times to open them and keep them open, but whenever I would, I would feel surrounded by a cacophony of noise that would result in my feeling completely off balance. With my eyes closed, the room was quieter somehow.

For one brief moment I was jolted awake, I felt a quick shortness of breath – like waking from a bad dream. My eyes were open; I sat more upright, and realized that she was kneeling to my right with her hand over my heart chakra. It only lasted a moment before I felt calm again and felt the need to close my eyes. After 15 minutes, she tapped me to let me know that she was done. I turned to her and asked if there was anything in particular that she could share with me about what she did and here’s what she told me:

First that my aura is very close and tight, meaning I probably don’t like letting people in or I probably don’t do it much. Then she said that there was the presence of a gentleman that needed to be removed so she took care of that. She said there was a lot of sadness around my heart chakra, a lot of darkness. She was most excited, however, about my throat chakra. She said she saw me with a microphone and a vibrant light behind me and diamonds falling over me, meaning that I was being protected. She said she wasn’t sure if I was about to give a speech, but that it would be successful. I told her that I just gave one a week ago for a graduation and that yes, I did feel truly held in that space at that time, especially because it was such an emotional and special moment for all of us. She congratulated me and offered warm wishes with my “way with words,” to which I smiled, thanked her for her time, and left. Before my friend and I shared our experiences with each other she said, “I was watching you and she spent a long time on your heart.” 

My friend and I left, grounded this time, our giddiness more like new light. We got coffee and talked about our respective cleansings and then went our own ways for what was left of the night. Already I felt changed. Not like, oh-my-god-it’s-a-whole-new-world changed, but definitely different. I feel lighter in a way, like an enormous weight has been lifted. Maybe it was him – the gentleman’s energy which was removed. Maybe it was the validation of my words – someone seeing something in me that I’ve failed to fully recognize in myself. Maybe it was just a fluke reaction to a party trick. I don’t know, but whatever it was, it has left me feeling better, feeling open, and feeling – vulnerable. I think I’m finally ready to let people in, be they friends, family, or lovers. I’m seeing myself in a different light, and it’s shining so, so bright.

Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 44: Rites of Passage

I guess I talked about it so much either as I was writing it or after so many people commented about it, that I've decided to share it with you all too. I had a couple of parents ask for a copy of it (including parents of non-graduating children). This isn't the first instance of positive feedback, but I think because it was so close to me and so emotional for a number of people, I feel very tied to this speech and those who inspired the writing of it, and perhaps that's why I don't mind sharing it now. I've substituted children's names with their initials for the blog.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I’ll open with congratulations, but not to our cohort of graduates – theirs is yet to come. Instead, I want to congratulate the parents, family members, fellow teachers, and friends who have undoubtedly offered their unwavering support. Tonight’s graduates have certainly needed and will continue to need guidance, and because I know them, I know they've come from places of strength, stability, courage, difficulty, fear, and especially, love. I congratulate you first and offer my sincerest wishes for continued strength, stability, and courage in times of difficulty and fear, and especially love as you continue to offer support to our children. Congratulations.

I spent a lot of time rewriting this speech, not because I didn't know what to say, but because none of the configurations ever seemed to work; the flow was – for lack of a more sophisticated word – wacky. I couldn't find the thread, a thread – a uniting piece, let alone THE uniting piece. So finally, I just started brainstorming words or phrases that made me think of each of them, and what ended up happening was my recognition of the ways in which these four young people have taught me, the “teacher". So I've chosen one key element that I've learned from each of them, and if you’ll bear with me, I’d like to share those reflections with you now.

D, we've recently learned, has a fan club. Here on campus. A grouping of primary children who adore him, rightfully so, I think they see in him what I see. His fan club is a testament to his nature and character. D, you’re the first to help someone else; you want to make your friends feel better when they’re down. You’re quick to recognize when something you've said or done has caused hurt to another and that particular self-awareness is what continually prompts you to reach out. You’re quick to make amends, quick to step in for others and you light up when you can bring joy to someone else. D, you remind me to be gentle to others, to think of what the other person is going through, and to be empathetic. You remind me that at the end of the day it will not have mattered if I was a knowledgeable teacher, but instead, that I was a gracious one. Thank you.

A, your self-confidence is admirable. It’s hard to be strong all the time, it’s hard to brush things off even when you know it’s the right thing to do, and it’s hard to go against the grain, but you make it seem effortless. What’s even more impressive is that I know that it’s not all for show because I catch you at times, when you think no one is looking, and you’re still the most authentic version of yourself – nothing to hide, nothing to fake. At 33 years old I am still not there; I still struggle with being true to myself and not letting what others have to say or think take away from my joy. You inspire me, A, you remind me of how important it is to be open to others while retaining the kind of power required to be gentle and true to myself. Thank you.

As the assistant, I have the added privilege of observing everyone during recess, which means that I get to see everyone in their truest from - while they socialize. S, I’ll admit that observing you last year had me a little worried – worried that your voice would get lost among those who are louder; that you would get swept away by others whose presence was more overpowering. When you walked into the classroom this year, instantly my fears were gone because I saw that you had changed. You found your voice and your strength. You've learned how to set healthy boundaries and stick to them; you've embraced your role as a leader in our classroom, on this campus, and in your life. And I believe that I've seen a much happier, and more authentic you this year because of it. S, what you remind me of everyday is something that I’m constantly saying to you which is to remember that it’s OK to be vulnerable, it's OK to open up and let others see us for who we are. You remind me that I – that we – are agents of change, whether it’s our immediate circle or our larger community, we have to be willing to give of ourselves if we expect the same from others. Thank you.

F, I have been privileged to see a change in you too. Once a meek and figuratively small fifth grader, you've become a confident and ever present sixth grader. I've enjoyed watching you grow more and more comfortable in your skin, I was happy to bear witness to your metamorphosis from young child into young lady. I've watched your peers turn to you with admiration, respect, and genuine fondness. You’re like everyone’s older sister – the one with all the answers, the one who always has a shoulder to cry on, the one who offers her time to help even if she needs that time for herself and you do it because you recognize that they chose you. You remind me that we, humans, are constantly changing; that there is always room for growth, and most importantly, that there is always time for someone else, especially someone who thinks that time with you will add value to their life. Thank you.

So now, finally, I congratulate each of you. Your journey here at Jarrow is coming to its end, but you have a greater journey still awaiting you. There will be scary moments, challenges, difficult situations, tough decisions, and endless battles with yourself – and that’ll all be before your next graduation. But you also contain, within you, the knowledge and ability to overcome those struggles. You already carry and exhibit the values of being a leader, the awareness of self required to stay true – to know moral “right” from “wrong,” the vulnerability to take a risk and the willingness to let your mistakes guide you. You each hold the power within yourself to face what comes next with grace and brilliance. Sure, you’ll fall, but you know how to get up, and more importantly, you know how to keep carrying on.

Dean Jackson wrote, “When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.” And now, as much as we – caterpillars – want you all to change back into members of our community, the truth is that you have wings. It is up to us to embrace your weirdness and watch you – for you will show us how to fly. Here you are - four butterflies, beautifully emerged from your cocoons and ready to embark on your next journey. You’ll innovate and change your world, you’ll dream and create, you’ll gain new strengths, you’ll continue to transform. And us, we’ll be all right – we’ll be here when you’re ready to come back; we’ll be here, basking in your light. Thank you for creating a light vibrant enough for all of us; thank you for showing us how beautiful change can be, and thank you for making me dream to have wings like yours. I’m overwhelmed. Congratulations. 

Chapter 43: Another Year

I'm a couple days late with my new year resolution, but better late than never, right?

It's interesting the way that things come into our lives or our view at just the right time; I guess some would call those omens or signs. My dad has a way, too, of being intuitive, or at the very least, perceptive. I think the one line that encapsulates my thoughts for this resolution comes from what my dad wrote in my Easter card. While I'm not one to celebrate the resurrection, I will celebrate that Easter is a sign of spring. Either way, my parents still send me an Easter card and special treats to celebrate, and this year my dad's message meant more to me than usual. He wrote, “Easter helps us believe in new beginnings.” Dad's message couldn't have come at a better time, or maybe I was more open to receiving it because of the changes that I'm making in my life.

I'm trying very hard to remove as much of the toxicity from my life as I can, and it hasn't always been easy, but I am becoming more and more aware of how necessary it is. This change is helping me find new strength, it's helping me be the person who I never thought I had a right to be. How crazy is that? To think that you have to do certain things or behave a particular way in order to deserve a specific life, set of friends, or even love. I don't want this blog to be about that, instead, I want solely to consider the wishes that I have for myself as I enter into another new year.

New beginnings. I really do feel them. It's almost as if I can see what my future could hold; not just that I'm able to visualize it, but I can actually watch it. There is almost a sense of nostalgia that comes with it, because I can see it so clearly that it's like I'm watching my past, only it hasn't happened yet. This is new and exciting and a little scary since there is no real way of knowing what the future holds. I see new adventures. I am excited for some traditions to continue and to engage in new experiences with my friends and family. I see new friends and places. I see exploration of space and self – travel near and far. I see light, a certain kind of brightness that comes from the purity of spirit. I see laughter, joy, excitement, love, smiles, and genuine happiness. I hope for newer and deeper understanding of my role here, not on Earth, but for myself and others in this life.

So much change has already taken place in the last 365 days; I'm in a very different place today than I was a year ago. This time last year I did a lot of pretending. I did a lot of lying to myself and others about my feelings and fears, hopes, thoughts, everything. My happiness wasn't genuine and the few moments that I did feel it didn't last long. For the most part, last year is forgotten; a faded and faraway memory that I have chosen not to hold onto. I don't want that to be true for this new year, and I already don't think it will be. I'm feeling healthier now – in mind, body, and spirit. I feel like I'm on the right track, that my vision is clearing, that I'm gaining more ground and I'm almost ready to live the life designed for me. The one I deserve and always have – even if I didn't think so before. I'm excited for the prospect of “new beginnings” whatever they may be; I think I'm finally ready for them.

Another year older, and maybe, finally, another year wiser.

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 42: Hope

I have been absent for a while. Absent from this blog, but more importantly, absent from my life. It’s like I went for a hike through the forest one day and got lost. Rather than try to find my way out, I sat down and waited. Waited, and waited, and waited never realizing that nobody knew I was lost, therefore, nobody was trying to find me. I stayed in one spot waiting to be found; stayed through the heat and the rain, the cold and the wind, the change of seasons until finally, I woke up. Realizing that I had been waiting over a year to be found, I knew that my only way out would be to find an exit myself. So now I’m on my feet again, navigating the labyrinth of a dark forest, determined to make my way back to the light. I know I’ll find the edge and return to a thriving life; I just don’t understand why it took so long for me to rescue myself. Perhaps it was hope – the intangible object around which my life revolves. 

Hope. It’s what makes people believe in good, have faith for something better, it’s what keeps people from permanently falling apart. Hope. The one, sometimes tiny detail, that pushes a person further when giving up seems to be the only thing left to do. Hope – it kept me curled up in a fetal position, lost, crying, and waiting to be found. 

But sometimes, hope is deceiving. Sometimes not being found results in a feeling that hope has failed you, hope has lied, and maybe even, hope isn't real at all. Maybe the curious dichotomy that exists with hope has something to do with the entrapment of it in Pandora’s jar. Had hope escaped with the rest of humanities’ evils, then it too would cause destruction; it would carry with it the necessary evil to cause people to do one thing based on what result they thought it would have on something else. Instead, hope remained in the jar, trapped upon Pandora’s fear, remaining somehow pure. 

I don’t know what it is about hope, but I do know that I’m a believer of the good it holds rather than the evil it brings. I do know that it remains the central theme to the parable that is my life. I do know that I need it, that hope is what gets me through the tough times even if, in the end, it was hope that led me to believe in a different outcome. While I hoped to be rescued from the floor of a metaphorical forest, I also hope to find my way out on my own. While I hope for the sun to shine on the path I am to take, I also hope to engage the world around me and learn from what it has to offer. 

I have shed the layers of my past, like breadcrumbs on a trail, but with no intention to ever follow them back to the dark spot in the forest from which I came. They are simply there to remind me of the influence they once held; the kind of hope they once represented. I am still journeying through this forest, looking for the way out, and as my scenery changes, so does my hope. 

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 41: Stream of Consciousness

Hello dear readers, I’m here.

Both of my blogs (personal and adventure) have become quite dilapidated and while I could make excuses for that, the truth is that I have felt uninspired. The best way I can describe how I have been feeling is to compare it to an overdrawn bank account. My mental and emotional states have been so misplaced that it has taken all my physical energy just to get through the minutia of a single day, and when the day comes to its close, I am spent – there is nothing left to withdraw. Additionally, my mind has been occupied with thoughts of another person, someone who I should have cut from my life a long time ago. I realized what others already knew, that I was waiting, that I had put my life on hold for someone who had stated that he had no desire to be together. I’m angry with myself for continuing to give him power by keeping the connection open, or even just thinking of him at all. As much as it won’t make sense, I do believe that the biggest reason I stopped writing was because I thought that if he read it, what he read should prove that I don’t need him. My writing should be so full of life that he would be left wondering, does she miss me? But I felt that I wasn’t doing anything with my life to show him this through my writing. How could I submit to such twisted thoughts? How could I turn my life upside down so much that I couldn’t tell one direction from another? I was refusing to be who I was because who I wanted to be was someone he would desire, someone he would feel stupid over letting go, and someone he would miss. I guess I finally woke up and realized that he isn’t the reason I write, and he isn’t the reason I keep blogs, and he isn’t the reason for anything in my life – not even my sadness. Even this blog is not about him, it is about revival. Reviving my entries, reminding people that I am here and I am living a life – that I will try living my life again and sharing some parts of that with you, as I did when I first started.

Here are my thoughts regarding each blog:

Personal – I have a lot of emotional things to process, not just regarding my recent awakening, but in general. As I strive to better myself, I will purge my mind of inconsequential thoughts, small musings about life and love, and maybe provide a sounding board for you.

Adventure – I have so many past travel journals that I never published, and once upon a time I thought I would digitize all of those for your reading pleasure. Now, I think it will be better for me to choose some of my favorite moments and write those as narratives – brief stories of travel, friendship, growth, and exploration. I also have many photos that I would like to stream through a slideshow – favorites only, much like my memories.

I don’t know what to expect, and I won’t make any promises regarding frequency, but I do feel inspired again, and I do miss the virtual contact with others. I am here and I intend to stay for a while.

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon