What do I say? Where do I begin? January...February...March...? No, chronologically seems too linear...thematic maybe? Hmm...also, somehow too contrived...so maybe I'll just write the way I would speak. We'll see how this goes.
2010 was a good year, despite some of the negatives. Or maybe the better way to articulate that is like this: 2010 was a good year, because of some of the negatives. "What!?! Because of the negatives?" Yes, because of the negatives. You see, it is in those moments, that we learn the most about who we are. The moments that question our character, the moments that try our souls, the moments that force us to reflect and to make decisions are the moments that we can step away from feeling as though we have just fought a long hard fight. Even if we lost, we somehow feel satisfied. Maybe the satisfaction comes from learning or realizing one's potential, or maybe the satisfaction comes from recognizing that the battle does not always have to be won in order to be positive. Or maybe the satisfaction comes from knowing that despite everything, we never backed down and the fact that we never quit makes us strong, makes us powerful, and makes us winners after all.
The blunders, of which I had many in 2010, helped me in a great many ways. All the things that I thought would be painful were, but I would rather feel something than continue to be numb to everything. As I move into 2011, I am feeling more and more and the numbness is slowly fading (<-- seems somehow odd, that numbness can fade...how would you know?).
I have been all over the place this year and I am about to ring in the new year the same way...with travel! During my recent visit to El Paso, I had a conversation with a friend about fate. I have always believed in fate but over the past year I have felt more and more like fate was the reason for my experiences...without a shadow of a doubt. All the pieces to the San Antonio puzzle were put into place (sometime ago) and now I'm starting to see the picture. Or maybe you like more stellar metaphors, like...all the stars were aligned when it was decided that I would move to San Antonio a year and a half ago. Whatever you prefer, the plan was laid, the chapter was written, the blueprints were drawn and I was finally brought into this plan. A plan much larger than myself and full of experiences that I could have only ever dreamed would be mine. Call it a blessing, call it luck, call it whatever you want; I'll call it fate.
All of the experiences that I had during 2010 have reinforced the idea that we (as people) need to be open. We need to believe that the plan that has been created for us is a good one.We should have faith and trust that all things will work out as they should. We should accept when things do not pan out the way we wanted, and know that whatever does happen, happens so that the next piece can fall easily into place. The two biggest events for me in 2010 demonstrate this point in a very simple way:
My relationship ended. I traveled for work to Malawi, Africa. While in Africa, as a single person, I was able to very clearly and very logically see the possibility for a future somewhere else. I sometimes wonder how my experience in Africa would have been different if I were still in my relationship and then I think back to last summer when I worked as a camp counselor. See, at the time, I was committed to someone (the same someone) and it did change how I did things or how I handled situations while away. The possibility of receiving an email or a phone call from him still remained a priority even though I was able to effectively do my job, well. I even rode a pedal bike to town just to mail something to him for fear of messing up a routine, see I sent him a package on the 27th of every month. I thought at the time, if he is home next summer I won't come back to camp. I want to be with him, I want to rebuild our life as a couple, I want to learn about us all over again. In Africa, alone, I knew that I would not have turned down the opportunity even if he and I were still together, but I feel that I would have ignored the signs for a plausible future; a future that I now hope to have. Maybe that didn't come out on the screen the way it sounds in my head but the point that I'm trying to make is this: while devastating at the time, the ending of my relationship needed to happen in order for me to be open to the potential for a more amazing life.
The same feeling rushed over me while at the LRA conference in December. Being surrounded by amazing and sometimes groundbreaking research and being accepted by the members of that world would have gone unappreciated if all I had been thinking about was, "where will we end up when he returns from his second tour?" Instead, my mind raced with thoughts of PhD programs and which city I want to begin the next chapter in...which school...doing what research...with whose unbelievable faculty?
Many of my friends and I have bonded in new ways through 2010 and I have cultivated new relationships that I believe will be lifelong friendships. Friends have always been one of the most important elements of my life, the closest ones are like family and family is who get me through the darkest hours. I have been able to talk to or spend time with some of the most important people more in 2010 than I have in a very very long time. I am grateful to my friends (all of them) and my family (related or not) for allowing me to make mistakes, to realize my mistakes, and to foster my growth as a person. I hope I have done the same for them, or at the very least, I hope I have done something similar.
One other big realization that I had recently was that since 2007, I have let myself go...somewhat. I have neglected to really take care of myself, I have allowed people to treat me unfairly, I have been a metaphorical floor mat and punching bag for people who never deserved my time in the first place. I have covered the chains of that relationship (the one that ended in 2007) and am only now realizing that I had the key to unlock the cuffs this entire time. It has taken quite a bit of reflection, crying, screaming, and private journaling for me to come to this conclusion and it will likely take a great deal of strength to overcome some of the residual pain. However, I'd rather feel the pain than continue to be numb, and when the pain is gone all that will be left, is the serenity.
2011 brings with it change, I can already tell. The change will come in a plethora of forms and I plan to openly and eagerly embrace all the changes with a warm heart, a loving smile, and the flash of engaged wonder. Goodbye 2010, thank you for the moments...
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
31 December 2010
13 December 2010
Chapter 21: Brain Spasms
[breathe in][breathe out][breathe in][breathe out]
I'm in the home stretch, and while I won't meet my deadline (and this devastates me) I will be finished by the end of the week and that's okay too.
The last couple of weeks have been crazy and I think my body is trying to revolt for putting it though all the madness! What I can't wait to do is get back to taking care of myself: mind, body, and spirit. I've realized lately that I've been neglecting the important things in life...the things that make our lives. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things that I need to do or the things that I perceive to be important but in the midst of all of that, I tend to forget that breathing comes naturally. Just because I don't have to remind myself to do this, does not mean that I should take it for granted.
Also, I've been incredibly eager to return to El Paso for Christmas, maybe more so than I've ever been. While I'm not completely sure why this is, I am pretty confident that it has something to do with the realization that I'm almost finished with my Master's and that means that it's almost time for another BIG DECISION for Courtney. I think having so many options in front of me right now has opened my eyes to the fact that this may be the last time that I can load my car and drive...drive to the place that I know so well, yet do not call home. I'm beginning to feel the same thing I felt just before I graduated from UTEP...a sense of departure. It's as if I'm preparing to leave even though I don't think that's what I'm doing. I'm seeing everything as if it will be one of the last times, including returning to El Paso with the same natural ease that I ignore when I breathe.
One other interesting development has been that I've been thinking of my new year resolution. Why is this interesting, you ask? Because I don't make new year resolutions, well, not on 31 December anyway. I make resolutions on my birthday, because that is the true start of a new year for me. Recently (ok, within the last few days) I have been contemplating things that should change or resolutions that I should make and keep for myself. There is much that I need to expel from my life, physically, mentally, emotionally...this could go on. I feel like there's a dark cloud that I continually try to hide from. Sometimes I can trick it and run away fast enough to lose it but eventually, it catches up again. I know that I can shake this thing, I just have to find the strength to do it but sometimes letting go is much harder than holding on. As I look around my room right now I see things and the physical representations only remind me of the almost vacant memories; of the ghostlike figures that haunt me when I am awake.
I know that it's time, as sure as my body, mind, and spirit know that we're getting ready to leave this place too, it is time to unlock the chains that hold us down. As I finish my work for the semester and get ready to head back to El Paso for the holidays, I wish you all well and hope that the holidays find you well...wherever you are.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
I'm in the home stretch, and while I won't meet my deadline (and this devastates me) I will be finished by the end of the week and that's okay too.
The last couple of weeks have been crazy and I think my body is trying to revolt for putting it though all the madness! What I can't wait to do is get back to taking care of myself: mind, body, and spirit. I've realized lately that I've been neglecting the important things in life...the things that make our lives. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things that I need to do or the things that I perceive to be important but in the midst of all of that, I tend to forget that breathing comes naturally. Just because I don't have to remind myself to do this, does not mean that I should take it for granted.
Also, I've been incredibly eager to return to El Paso for Christmas, maybe more so than I've ever been. While I'm not completely sure why this is, I am pretty confident that it has something to do with the realization that I'm almost finished with my Master's and that means that it's almost time for another BIG DECISION for Courtney. I think having so many options in front of me right now has opened my eyes to the fact that this may be the last time that I can load my car and drive...drive to the place that I know so well, yet do not call home. I'm beginning to feel the same thing I felt just before I graduated from UTEP...a sense of departure. It's as if I'm preparing to leave even though I don't think that's what I'm doing. I'm seeing everything as if it will be one of the last times, including returning to El Paso with the same natural ease that I ignore when I breathe.
One other interesting development has been that I've been thinking of my new year resolution. Why is this interesting, you ask? Because I don't make new year resolutions, well, not on 31 December anyway. I make resolutions on my birthday, because that is the true start of a new year for me. Recently (ok, within the last few days) I have been contemplating things that should change or resolutions that I should make and keep for myself. There is much that I need to expel from my life, physically, mentally, emotionally...this could go on. I feel like there's a dark cloud that I continually try to hide from. Sometimes I can trick it and run away fast enough to lose it but eventually, it catches up again. I know that I can shake this thing, I just have to find the strength to do it but sometimes letting go is much harder than holding on. As I look around my room right now I see things and the physical representations only remind me of the almost vacant memories; of the ghostlike figures that haunt me when I am awake.
I know that it's time, as sure as my body, mind, and spirit know that we're getting ready to leave this place too, it is time to unlock the chains that hold us down. As I finish my work for the semester and get ready to head back to El Paso for the holidays, I wish you all well and hope that the holidays find you well...wherever you are.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
04 December 2010
Chapter 20: Unedited and Uncut
So for those of you who regularly follow, you may have noticed a change. Unedited and Uncut: My Life in Draft is a sentiment to both my writing (style) and the iterative (I don't think this is a word, but I'm a linguist and it follows rules, so...) way my life tends to play out. Not that I'm looking for a final version, I think that would mean that I'm dead...not my wish. Anyway, it seemed that this new title was much more a propos for the work that gets dumped into this virtual residency, for there is nothing Great about the chapters of this book...but there is a constant flux that I certainly hope never changes. With that, I leave you with Vlog #4 which I just noticed bears striking resemblance to Chapter 19...apparently, I forgot that I've been feeling this way for a while or maybe it's still and not forgot, or maybe it's...always and in waves....
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
Compounding Thoughts [video]
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
Compounding Thoughts [video]
29 September 2010
Chapter 19: So Much
[deep breath]
So much has happened, in a week, a month, a year, in a life.
I'm feeling introspective and slightly melancholy today, maybe because I chose to stay home and work and sleep and continue to bring myself back to ideal health (by the way, we're almost there, I'm feeling good enough to eat solid food again!).
Back to the point of today's blog...so much has happened in my life...over time, over the years, during the day...and as I sit here listening to The District and Ron Pope, crying because I realize that I have an amazing life yet I feel pain, I am left with memories of the past and thoughts of the future. Memories are both good and bad, with a few 'what ifs' thrown in for good measure, but my thoughts about the future are what I really want to discuss, especially because they are thoughts and not fears, which is kind of a first for me.
I know, I don't express my fears, so for some to hear that this is the first time I haven't feared what is yet to come, it will probably be a bit of a shock. However, I do fear what I don't know and I suppose that is pretty typical of human nature but this time, as I consider what lies ahead I am open and ready for the life waiting to meet me.
I have had many discussions lately around my love life as I've been dating quite a bit since Caleb came home and definitely since I verbally forgave him (don't confuse that with, 'I've been dating Caleb again' -- I haven't). One thing that has become more clear to me now than ever is that I really do like being on my own. I live a happier life when I'm single. I'm capable of being in a relationship and I'm good at it but I morph into it and the person that I'm with and I hate that. As I consider my options for the future and see that there is little room for a partner, it doesn't make me sad and it doesn't make me feel lonely, it makes me feel alive and free. Free to make decisions, free to choose whatever I want, free to feel and speak and live in a way that I want. If at some point I should choose to have a long term relationship with someone then, that's ok too, but I don't feel like that is the most important part of life. Life isn't about finding another person to be happy with, life is about being fulfilled and bringing fulfillment to others, even when those 'others' are not related to you or married to you or likened to you in any way. Life is about finding the happiness that allows you to live a life worth living, a life that YOU deem worth living.
I've been fortunate enough to travel recently and lately and through the experience I have realized a great many things about myself, things that I am still unable to articulate, some things that I am still unable to fully process. The point of today's blog (and it will be short - the blog) is to reconcile feelings of dichotomous emotion and accept that life isn't answered with 'this' or 'that' but that sometimes...most times...there is always a bleed effect, a 'this' and 'that.' For a long time I thought things had to be one way or the other, but with every day that passes I become more uncomfortable with 'black' and 'white' and much more accepting of 'grey.' But then that suggests that I don't see color but I do; I see splashes of color. I see color when things get dark, I see color from a rainbow in a storm, I see color when I want to see hope; and I always see hope.
As I consider what comes next, even as soon as tomorrow, I am putting in writing the choice that I made to be true to myself, to what I feel and know, and to stop allowing external forces be they people or ideas -- whatever -- to dictate how I should feel or what I should think or do. I have a world of opportunity in front of me and I am ready to seize any part of it, on my own yet never alone.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
So much has happened, in a week, a month, a year, in a life.
I'm feeling introspective and slightly melancholy today, maybe because I chose to stay home and work and sleep and continue to bring myself back to ideal health (by the way, we're almost there, I'm feeling good enough to eat solid food again!).
Back to the point of today's blog...so much has happened in my life...over time, over the years, during the day...and as I sit here listening to The District and Ron Pope, crying because I realize that I have an amazing life yet I feel pain, I am left with memories of the past and thoughts of the future. Memories are both good and bad, with a few 'what ifs' thrown in for good measure, but my thoughts about the future are what I really want to discuss, especially because they are thoughts and not fears, which is kind of a first for me.
I know, I don't express my fears, so for some to hear that this is the first time I haven't feared what is yet to come, it will probably be a bit of a shock. However, I do fear what I don't know and I suppose that is pretty typical of human nature but this time, as I consider what lies ahead I am open and ready for the life waiting to meet me.
I have had many discussions lately around my love life as I've been dating quite a bit since Caleb came home and definitely since I verbally forgave him (don't confuse that with, 'I've been dating Caleb again' -- I haven't). One thing that has become more clear to me now than ever is that I really do like being on my own. I live a happier life when I'm single. I'm capable of being in a relationship and I'm good at it but I morph into it and the person that I'm with and I hate that. As I consider my options for the future and see that there is little room for a partner, it doesn't make me sad and it doesn't make me feel lonely, it makes me feel alive and free. Free to make decisions, free to choose whatever I want, free to feel and speak and live in a way that I want. If at some point I should choose to have a long term relationship with someone then, that's ok too, but I don't feel like that is the most important part of life. Life isn't about finding another person to be happy with, life is about being fulfilled and bringing fulfillment to others, even when those 'others' are not related to you or married to you or likened to you in any way. Life is about finding the happiness that allows you to live a life worth living, a life that YOU deem worth living.
I've been fortunate enough to travel recently and lately and through the experience I have realized a great many things about myself, things that I am still unable to articulate, some things that I am still unable to fully process. The point of today's blog (and it will be short - the blog) is to reconcile feelings of dichotomous emotion and accept that life isn't answered with 'this' or 'that' but that sometimes...most times...there is always a bleed effect, a 'this' and 'that.' For a long time I thought things had to be one way or the other, but with every day that passes I become more uncomfortable with 'black' and 'white' and much more accepting of 'grey.' But then that suggests that I don't see color but I do; I see splashes of color. I see color when things get dark, I see color from a rainbow in a storm, I see color when I want to see hope; and I always see hope.
As I consider what comes next, even as soon as tomorrow, I am putting in writing the choice that I made to be true to myself, to what I feel and know, and to stop allowing external forces be they people or ideas -- whatever -- to dictate how I should feel or what I should think or do. I have a world of opportunity in front of me and I am ready to seize any part of it, on my own yet never alone.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
27 June 2010
Chapter 18: Chaos Personified
This vlog is aptly titled Pure Insanity and Worth Every Second. My life has reached new highs and new levels of chaos but I wouldn't change a bit of it.
I apologize for the lighting issues...that's what happens when the sun plays hide & seek with the Earth.
Enjoy the vlog...
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
Pure Insanity and Worth Every Second [video]
I apologize for the lighting issues...that's what happens when the sun plays hide & seek with the Earth.
Enjoy the vlog...
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
Pure Insanity and Worth Every Second [video]
05 June 2010
Chapter 17: Stark Realizations
This entry will undoubtedly be less poetic and more blunt, a propos to the title, I suppose. AND, I apologize in advance for the use of obscenities...I'm venting, allow me to do so without judgement.
The Reality: He cheated. In the middle of our R&R. The absolute mind fucking that occurred because of this infidelity has left me raped of the ability to trust and has shattered the inner mirror which holds my reflection. Ok..so maybe this still has potential to be literary.
The Explanation Until Now: My friends (and family) have had a difficult time understanding why I didn't just end things with Caleb as soon as I found out [insert long, drawn out story surrounding the discovery of the indiscretion here]. When I said, 'it just isn't that simple and I do love him' [insert long, drawn out story regarding our relationship here], I received strange looks, canned expressions of support and what I'm sure were mumbled whispers about how stupid the mistake I was making would turn out to be. When I ended things with Caleb, I offered to be there for him, as a friend. WHY? because it hurt me too, to have to end things the way I did and I know, I shouldn't have cared, but I did. When I went to El Paso in May I saw him everyday until the day he drove home on leave. I realized that I couldn't be his friend because the attachment was still much stronger than I thought and because I could feel in my bones that he was still lying to me [insert long, drawn out story about knowing all along that this was happening and the curiosity surrounding why she was so damn excited that he was coming home in two weeks while he's still 'fighting for me,' here].
The Current Situation: He will be here next week sometime to pick up his bike and the rest of his stuff from my apartment. In the last week and a half I have deleted him from my facebook account, my phone, my skype account, my email account and by the time he takes the rest of his stuff -- my life. I'm certain he hasn't figured any of this out yet because he hasn't brought it up in the few times he's contacted me since he's been home. This means that I will either 1 - have to inform him of it while he's here, along with the speech he'll get about how we can't be friends after all, or 2 - let him figure it out on his own the next time he logs onto his computer.
Ok, psychologically, I realize that I'm right in the center of 'anger phase' and that eventually I'll get to acceptance or whatever and maybe when that day comes I'll be able to hear his name and not want to punch someone in the face. The situation is this: one day I will want to share some part of my life with someone else (maybe) and when that day comes, I owe it to myself and that future person, to not hold the issues of my past relationship(s) against him. I've never really done this before now and while I'm not involved in a relationship now, I do recognize in talking to my friends that I don't trust people. All of a sudden I'm telling friends that guys they date are shady or that being single for life is the true key to happiness or that anyone whose DNA contains a Y-chromosome is sure to be a liar (<-- as all of my exs have been) or will end up being just like the last person they were involved with that also had a Y-chromosome. It goes beyond bitterness at this point, my world is taken over by anger and the need to turn myself into some new age, Rosie the Riveter and rather than prove that anything he can do, I can do better...I want use my new tool set to dismantle anyone who sees Tiger Woods or Jesse James as a fucking hero!
The Shattered Mirror: The biggest problem of all with this entire situation is that despite what I may 'know' or what my friends may say, his act has done more to tear me down than I would like to admit. There really isn't much else that could have been done to make me feel so completely rejected, unattractive, insignificant, stupid, and unlovable (yes, I meant to say unlovable, not unloved). The issues that surround my anger are more like the realization that for the first time in a long time, I feel ugly again and it's affecting me in ways I haven't dealt with for years. I don't know what to expect next when thinking about how I'll come to terms with this mess. It isn't easy to recover when you feel like yesterday's leftovers...and shattered mirrors are hard to repair.
Until Next Time...
Courtney Chivon
The Reality: He cheated. In the middle of our R&R. The absolute mind fucking that occurred because of this infidelity has left me raped of the ability to trust and has shattered the inner mirror which holds my reflection. Ok..so maybe this still has potential to be literary.
The Explanation Until Now: My friends (and family) have had a difficult time understanding why I didn't just end things with Caleb as soon as I found out [insert long, drawn out story surrounding the discovery of the indiscretion here]. When I said, 'it just isn't that simple and I do love him' [insert long, drawn out story regarding our relationship here], I received strange looks, canned expressions of support and what I'm sure were mumbled whispers about how stupid the mistake I was making would turn out to be. When I ended things with Caleb, I offered to be there for him, as a friend. WHY? because it hurt me too, to have to end things the way I did and I know, I shouldn't have cared, but I did. When I went to El Paso in May I saw him everyday until the day he drove home on leave. I realized that I couldn't be his friend because the attachment was still much stronger than I thought and because I could feel in my bones that he was still lying to me [insert long, drawn out story about knowing all along that this was happening and the curiosity surrounding why she was so damn excited that he was coming home in two weeks while he's still 'fighting for me,' here].
The Current Situation: He will be here next week sometime to pick up his bike and the rest of his stuff from my apartment. In the last week and a half I have deleted him from my facebook account, my phone, my skype account, my email account and by the time he takes the rest of his stuff -- my life. I'm certain he hasn't figured any of this out yet because he hasn't brought it up in the few times he's contacted me since he's been home. This means that I will either 1 - have to inform him of it while he's here, along with the speech he'll get about how we can't be friends after all, or 2 - let him figure it out on his own the next time he logs onto his computer.
Ok, psychologically, I realize that I'm right in the center of 'anger phase' and that eventually I'll get to acceptance or whatever and maybe when that day comes I'll be able to hear his name and not want to punch someone in the face. The situation is this: one day I will want to share some part of my life with someone else (maybe) and when that day comes, I owe it to myself and that future person, to not hold the issues of my past relationship(s) against him. I've never really done this before now and while I'm not involved in a relationship now, I do recognize in talking to my friends that I don't trust people. All of a sudden I'm telling friends that guys they date are shady or that being single for life is the true key to happiness or that anyone whose DNA contains a Y-chromosome is sure to be a liar (<-- as all of my exs have been) or will end up being just like the last person they were involved with that also had a Y-chromosome. It goes beyond bitterness at this point, my world is taken over by anger and the need to turn myself into some new age, Rosie the Riveter and rather than prove that anything he can do, I can do better...I want use my new tool set to dismantle anyone who sees Tiger Woods or Jesse James as a fucking hero!
The Shattered Mirror: The biggest problem of all with this entire situation is that despite what I may 'know' or what my friends may say, his act has done more to tear me down than I would like to admit. There really isn't much else that could have been done to make me feel so completely rejected, unattractive, insignificant, stupid, and unlovable (yes, I meant to say unlovable, not unloved). The issues that surround my anger are more like the realization that for the first time in a long time, I feel ugly again and it's affecting me in ways I haven't dealt with for years. I don't know what to expect next when thinking about how I'll come to terms with this mess. It isn't easy to recover when you feel like yesterday's leftovers...and shattered mirrors are hard to repair.
Until Next Time...
Courtney Chivon
14 May 2010
Chapter 16: We Take You Now to the Sidelines
I feel as though it has been a while since my last blog even though I have managed to pull off two video logs. By the way, those video logs are way fun! Here now, is my grand attempt at recapping the last semester (because this is how my life works...a semester at a time) and preparing you (and myself) for what comes next.
1 --> School: This semester was in many ways easier but in many ways more difficult. My adjustment to graduate life may be cause for the feelings of ease. I've become used to the routine, I know what to expect, I've figured out how to do the work, and I'm finding a spot in the field. I no longer feel like the 'new kid' on the block. It was more difficult, however, because the workload was more intense, the expectations were higher and there were a million other things going on at the same time. The first week of March, my colleague and I spent a week in Chicago at the CIES (Comparative & International Educational Society) Conference. We presented our preliminary research while we were there and did some networking. I was also lucky enough to see an old friend from my freshman year of college. For spring break, I travelled back to DFW to see friends so close to my heart that I refer to them as family. In April my colleague and I presented our research again at the IDS (Interdisciplinary Studies) Colloquium amongst our peers. Finally, at the end of April, I was frantically trying to pull everything together as final papers and projects were due...I managed to pull it off as well as another 4.0 semester! Whew! It really does feel good.
I did a lot of writing this semester, all different lit reviews in hopes that something would spawn an idea for my thesis. I have been stressing over what to do about thesis because I was having a difficult time narrowing down topics/ideas/seeds of research. Finally, I just made a list and my advisor and I went through it. As I talked her through each idea, she listened, nodded her head and in the end said, "well the theme here is that identity is important to you as well as printed text." I was amazed...not even I had noticed a 'theme' in my topics, to me they were completely random and had nothing to do with each other! This is why I love that she's my advisor (and former professor), because her brain is always on fire! We talked and I have come up with my thesis -- framework, topic, methodology and probably my committee although, I have not formerly asked yet. I at least know who I want to support and guide me through this, soon to be, most chaotic part of my life.
2 --> Work: I love my job, I do. I have the luxury of working from home, which is always nice, especially on days like today where the rain is coming down so hard, you can't see an inch in front of you. I love that I sit on the development team and get to use some creative engery, it's great when you get to say, "I have to youtube this dance so that I have a point of reference." Who else gets to watch youtube videos as 'research' for their job? Most times, the work I have to do can be done when I'm taking a break from writing a paper or reading for class. Much of what I do can be done late at night when I can't sleep; like I said...it's a luxury.
In April, actually, let me rephrase...for the month of April, four of our Malawian colleagues were in San Antonio and we were able to work side by side for the first time. While April proved to be a crazy busy month and days were long, it was probably one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. I'm incredibly greatful that such an opportunity was presented and now I have four new friends. We had additional visits from Malawian government officials, althouh, I didn't take part in much of what they did, that was a different part of the program. However, I did get to meet everyone and enjoyed our breakfast together before they left...who else can say s/he met the Deputy Ambassador for another country on her/his birthday..or ever!? I would have liked to take part in a few more of the activities that took place, but school called and I answered. Now the talk circles around the potential for a trip in July...but I will wait to comment on that later...
3 --> Personal: I could probably write an entire chapter on this section, but I'll keep it brief. In January, Caleb came to San Antonio for R&R. It was right when school was starting, so the timing was less than desirable, but I was bound to make that work since I hadn't seen him since May 6th (the day he left for Iraq). He went home for four days and when he returned, our life together was turned around. Chances are, if you're a friend of mine, you already know what happened so I'll spare the details here. Before he left to go back, I was torn about what would happen next, but I was willing to try and make things work. Nothing was the same as it had been before and I knew very quickly, that they never would be again, despite the path our relationship would take. In March, I learned something about myself and about him and I ended our relationship. While doing it through an email was never my first choice, or really a consideration at all, I knew that there was no other option. I had to have an explanation for why I wouldn't be there when he came home and I knew I couldn't show up just to tell him that it was over, it seemed that would have been more damaging than writing the email.
Since then, we've had some communication and it was incredibly difficult for me to deal with emotions on the night that he returned. It took every ounce of strength for me to keep from driving to El Paso and showing up. The support from my friends has been mixed, while some tell me that they will still support me even if I should decide that I still want to try again with him, others have extended the complete opposite sentiments. The reality of the situation is that I'm an adult, fully capable of making my own decisions and being comfortable with them. I would like to not compromise friendships along the way, no matter what the issue, but then I remind myself, that those who are truely my friends will always be there. What it has shown me has been more about who I am rather than who they are and what I really feel. While some have offerred to break his knee-caps or have applauded me for not burning his things, the truth is that I never had that much anger. I never hated him, I still don't so, while slightly comical, those thoughts were never true to what I was feeling. The love that I have for Caleb will always remain, it has shifted and will continue to shift and what happens next will not be about getting even but will be about doing what is right for me.
My birthday/new year just passed and I didn't have a lot of time to really reflect over the last year and resolve for the next one but this is what I came up with: I have changed! Undoubtedly, we all do, but I'm recognizing those changes more and more everyday and everytime I interact with people. I notice those changes when I talk to friends from the past and friends from my present. I notice those changes as I reunite with old faces and when I meet new ones. No, there is no definition for who I am, and there probably never will be one; but maybe that's because I like it better that way. I don't like being a category, something that can be boxed, I like my chameleon-like nature and the fact that I can have a plethora of friends from all walks of life. I like learning about people, places, and events. I feel as though my last year was a true journey, full of changes, full of trials, full of reconciliations and full of self-discovery. I wouldn't change any of it, not the hurt, not the anger, not the fear and certainly, not the laughter.
This is perhaps the longest 'recap' in the history of recaps, but then, I'm a bit wordy. I'm headed out tonight for a weekend with an old friend and one of my favorite two-step partners. I'm looking forward to catching up, meeting new people, and learning yet another new thing about myself.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
1 --> School: This semester was in many ways easier but in many ways more difficult. My adjustment to graduate life may be cause for the feelings of ease. I've become used to the routine, I know what to expect, I've figured out how to do the work, and I'm finding a spot in the field. I no longer feel like the 'new kid' on the block. It was more difficult, however, because the workload was more intense, the expectations were higher and there were a million other things going on at the same time. The first week of March, my colleague and I spent a week in Chicago at the CIES (Comparative & International Educational Society) Conference. We presented our preliminary research while we were there and did some networking. I was also lucky enough to see an old friend from my freshman year of college. For spring break, I travelled back to DFW to see friends so close to my heart that I refer to them as family. In April my colleague and I presented our research again at the IDS (Interdisciplinary Studies) Colloquium amongst our peers. Finally, at the end of April, I was frantically trying to pull everything together as final papers and projects were due...I managed to pull it off as well as another 4.0 semester! Whew! It really does feel good.
I did a lot of writing this semester, all different lit reviews in hopes that something would spawn an idea for my thesis. I have been stressing over what to do about thesis because I was having a difficult time narrowing down topics/ideas/seeds of research. Finally, I just made a list and my advisor and I went through it. As I talked her through each idea, she listened, nodded her head and in the end said, "well the theme here is that identity is important to you as well as printed text." I was amazed...not even I had noticed a 'theme' in my topics, to me they were completely random and had nothing to do with each other! This is why I love that she's my advisor (and former professor), because her brain is always on fire! We talked and I have come up with my thesis -- framework, topic, methodology and probably my committee although, I have not formerly asked yet. I at least know who I want to support and guide me through this, soon to be, most chaotic part of my life.
2 --> Work: I love my job, I do. I have the luxury of working from home, which is always nice, especially on days like today where the rain is coming down so hard, you can't see an inch in front of you. I love that I sit on the development team and get to use some creative engery, it's great when you get to say, "I have to youtube this dance so that I have a point of reference." Who else gets to watch youtube videos as 'research' for their job? Most times, the work I have to do can be done when I'm taking a break from writing a paper or reading for class. Much of what I do can be done late at night when I can't sleep; like I said...it's a luxury.
In April, actually, let me rephrase...for the month of April, four of our Malawian colleagues were in San Antonio and we were able to work side by side for the first time. While April proved to be a crazy busy month and days were long, it was probably one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. I'm incredibly greatful that such an opportunity was presented and now I have four new friends. We had additional visits from Malawian government officials, althouh, I didn't take part in much of what they did, that was a different part of the program. However, I did get to meet everyone and enjoyed our breakfast together before they left...who else can say s/he met the Deputy Ambassador for another country on her/his birthday..or ever!? I would have liked to take part in a few more of the activities that took place, but school called and I answered. Now the talk circles around the potential for a trip in July...but I will wait to comment on that later...
3 --> Personal: I could probably write an entire chapter on this section, but I'll keep it brief. In January, Caleb came to San Antonio for R&R. It was right when school was starting, so the timing was less than desirable, but I was bound to make that work since I hadn't seen him since May 6th (the day he left for Iraq). He went home for four days and when he returned, our life together was turned around. Chances are, if you're a friend of mine, you already know what happened so I'll spare the details here. Before he left to go back, I was torn about what would happen next, but I was willing to try and make things work. Nothing was the same as it had been before and I knew very quickly, that they never would be again, despite the path our relationship would take. In March, I learned something about myself and about him and I ended our relationship. While doing it through an email was never my first choice, or really a consideration at all, I knew that there was no other option. I had to have an explanation for why I wouldn't be there when he came home and I knew I couldn't show up just to tell him that it was over, it seemed that would have been more damaging than writing the email.
Since then, we've had some communication and it was incredibly difficult for me to deal with emotions on the night that he returned. It took every ounce of strength for me to keep from driving to El Paso and showing up. The support from my friends has been mixed, while some tell me that they will still support me even if I should decide that I still want to try again with him, others have extended the complete opposite sentiments. The reality of the situation is that I'm an adult, fully capable of making my own decisions and being comfortable with them. I would like to not compromise friendships along the way, no matter what the issue, but then I remind myself, that those who are truely my friends will always be there. What it has shown me has been more about who I am rather than who they are and what I really feel. While some have offerred to break his knee-caps or have applauded me for not burning his things, the truth is that I never had that much anger. I never hated him, I still don't so, while slightly comical, those thoughts were never true to what I was feeling. The love that I have for Caleb will always remain, it has shifted and will continue to shift and what happens next will not be about getting even but will be about doing what is right for me.
My birthday/new year just passed and I didn't have a lot of time to really reflect over the last year and resolve for the next one but this is what I came up with: I have changed! Undoubtedly, we all do, but I'm recognizing those changes more and more everyday and everytime I interact with people. I notice those changes when I talk to friends from the past and friends from my present. I notice those changes as I reunite with old faces and when I meet new ones. No, there is no definition for who I am, and there probably never will be one; but maybe that's because I like it better that way. I don't like being a category, something that can be boxed, I like my chameleon-like nature and the fact that I can have a plethora of friends from all walks of life. I like learning about people, places, and events. I feel as though my last year was a true journey, full of changes, full of trials, full of reconciliations and full of self-discovery. I wouldn't change any of it, not the hurt, not the anger, not the fear and certainly, not the laughter.
This is perhaps the longest 'recap' in the history of recaps, but then, I'm a bit wordy. I'm headed out tonight for a weekend with an old friend and one of my favorite two-step partners. I'm looking forward to catching up, meeting new people, and learning yet another new thing about myself.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
06 May 2010
Chapter 15: ...and I feel fine...
Video Blog #2!!! You should be warned that I move my head and hands a lot in this one and I've been up for days so I'm probably a little crazy!
The title of this chapter has been lifted from a comment left on my FB from a dear, dear friend of mine in response to my sharing of R.E.M. -- It's the End of the World. It is the end of something...a semester...and I've slowly gone insane! It took forever to get thing working with it so I just finished it...my revisions were actually done before 9! I can't believe it either. I am about to go to bed...as soon as this thing is ready for publishing.
Hopefully this video helps to keep people up to date just a bit and hold you over until the next 'traditional' blog. As soon as revisions are done, I'm going to bed for a few days ... Enjoy!
...and I feel fine... [video]
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
The title of this chapter has been lifted from a comment left on my FB from a dear, dear friend of mine in response to my sharing of R.E.M. -- It's the End of the World. It is the end of something...a semester...and I've slowly gone insane! It took forever to get thing working with it so I just finished it...my revisions were actually done before 9! I can't believe it either. I am about to go to bed...as soon as this thing is ready for publishing.
Hopefully this video helps to keep people up to date just a bit and hold you over until the next 'traditional' blog. As soon as revisions are done, I'm going to bed for a few days ... Enjoy!
...and I feel fine... [video]
Courtney Chivon
29 March 2010
Chapter 14: So I'll Do What I Have To, Because That Is All I Can Do
First Video Log -- EVER!!! Big moment here...but the writing isn't exactly flowing...neither is my speech for that matter...anyway, check it out if you like. Otherwise...stay tuned for more writing later.
I apologize for my voice (it's shaky after being used A LOT this weekend) so volume may need to be adjusted..don't really know.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
It Is What It Is, And That's All It Can Be...[video]
I apologize for my voice (it's shaky after being used A LOT this weekend) so volume may need to be adjusted..don't really know.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
It Is What It Is, And That's All It Can Be...[video]
12 February 2010
Chapter 13: But Then, Who Blogs Anyway...?
It's February and I know, I am long overdue for an update but then, who reads this anyway...?
Life is crazy chaotic, hectic, frantically fanatic and most days I don't bother doing my hair because I float in the middle of a spiraling vortex anyway. My first semester as a graduate student was a successful one despite the nights without sleep and the readings that sometimes weren't read. I had a 4.0 semester, but then, who pays attention to that anyway...?
Moving into the second semester it seems I have even less time, triple the reading but half the work (at least in the classroom). I can't seem to figure out the math here, but then math was never really my thing, and in the midst of all that, I find myself lacking motivation but full of desire and drive; again, the math doesn't appear to be correct. How do I illustrate this...ah, I know: on Monday (08 February 10) Dr. Dorothy Strickland came to UTSA and I attended her talk. There weren't as many people as I would have liked to have seen in the audience, and I took a seat in the middle, off to the right, out of the way but visible. I was by myself until my advisor/boss/professor came by to chat (she was also responsible for the talk so she was, in essence, taking a short break). Shortly after, a doctoral student that I've had class with came in and sat behind me, then my boss left and I felt a tap on my shoulder, I looked up and saw a former professor of mine as she moved past me to take the seat next to me. Not a minute later, two more professors entered, one whose class I am currently taking and one I have met due to a paper I'm working on, they too tapped me to say hello as they took seats next to the doctoral student behind me. Finally, towards the end of the talk, I turned back to look at someone commenting and noticed one other professor, whom I met due to my job, and we waved, inconspicuously, at each other. Once the talk was over and I shook hands with Dr. Strickland, I found myself chatting it up with the group of professors and realized that they have become my 'new friend base' since moving to San Antonio. There isn't anything wrong with this, I'm not out to make friends necessarily, but it did make me realize that I am finding a place here and with UTSA but I'm not sure that I'm finding my place; but then, where do I belong anyway...?
Don't get me wrong, its a wonderful feeling to be lumped in with a group of phenomenal faculty members, or to have them talk to you as if you're one of them; but as I try to measure my self-efficacy, moments like those make me question my strengths and weaknesses and leave me wondering, "do they see something that I don't?" I'm sure the pressures from my job play some part in that, not that I have a difficult job necessarily, I get to develop books for 1st-3rd graders in Malawi. BUT, it has challenged me in new ways because writing children's literature is not a genre I've ever written in or for before. I've always (well almost always) prided myself on my writing until now, now I question everything I write - work or class, it doesn't matter. I've never felt so unsure about what I write despite the fact that the feedback on anything I write is always positive -- what am I so afraid of? I am afraid of the moments when my professors think that I'm bored out of my mind because I already 'know all this stuff,' but that means that they have set the bar higher for me than I have set for myself, which means that I have to outperform my last performance which is good, I suppose, but sometimes it just leaves me wishing I had quit before I started. Except that I'm not a quitter so not even that statement is entirely true...and now do you begin to understand why I'm slowly going insane...? But then, who's to say what insanity is anyway...?
On top of school, I do feel as though I deserve the award for 'Most Self Indulgent' when it comes to maintaining relationships with my friends and family - talk about dropping off the face of the earth - I am sorry for disappearing my friends (if you still consider yourself one, or me at all). I will attempt to reconnect and reach out to those I've abandoned along my journey of self-re-discovery...I promise in 2010 to be more connected...or at least to try. And in love, well, that's another chapter all together. It's funny how human beings will believe all their life in one perspective but then when put to the test, if they love someone, they begin to reconsider what was once gosspel. I've always believed in working on a relationship when two people truely love each other, and though there are a great many questions that will need to be answered in order to know how to move toward a future together, whatever lies in the road, along this twisting path, I will accept because I have love, I know love and sometimes, you have to face a firing squad to feel love...but then, who really ducks for cover anyway...?
So, as I prepare for more chaos - conference in March, the hope of seeing beautiful faces in DFW in March, conference in April, consortium in April, and a homecoming in May, I will attempt to update more often so that people don't wonder if I died trying to navigate the winding, and disconnected roads of San Antonio, but then, who wonders that anyway...?
Until next time,
Courtney Chivon
Life is crazy chaotic, hectic, frantically fanatic and most days I don't bother doing my hair because I float in the middle of a spiraling vortex anyway. My first semester as a graduate student was a successful one despite the nights without sleep and the readings that sometimes weren't read. I had a 4.0 semester, but then, who pays attention to that anyway...?
Moving into the second semester it seems I have even less time, triple the reading but half the work (at least in the classroom). I can't seem to figure out the math here, but then math was never really my thing, and in the midst of all that, I find myself lacking motivation but full of desire and drive; again, the math doesn't appear to be correct. How do I illustrate this...ah, I know: on Monday (08 February 10) Dr. Dorothy Strickland came to UTSA and I attended her talk. There weren't as many people as I would have liked to have seen in the audience, and I took a seat in the middle, off to the right, out of the way but visible. I was by myself until my advisor/boss/professor came by to chat (she was also responsible for the talk so she was, in essence, taking a short break). Shortly after, a doctoral student that I've had class with came in and sat behind me, then my boss left and I felt a tap on my shoulder, I looked up and saw a former professor of mine as she moved past me to take the seat next to me. Not a minute later, two more professors entered, one whose class I am currently taking and one I have met due to a paper I'm working on, they too tapped me to say hello as they took seats next to the doctoral student behind me. Finally, towards the end of the talk, I turned back to look at someone commenting and noticed one other professor, whom I met due to my job, and we waved, inconspicuously, at each other. Once the talk was over and I shook hands with Dr. Strickland, I found myself chatting it up with the group of professors and realized that they have become my 'new friend base' since moving to San Antonio. There isn't anything wrong with this, I'm not out to make friends necessarily, but it did make me realize that I am finding a place here and with UTSA but I'm not sure that I'm finding my place; but then, where do I belong anyway...?
Don't get me wrong, its a wonderful feeling to be lumped in with a group of phenomenal faculty members, or to have them talk to you as if you're one of them; but as I try to measure my self-efficacy, moments like those make me question my strengths and weaknesses and leave me wondering, "do they see something that I don't?" I'm sure the pressures from my job play some part in that, not that I have a difficult job necessarily, I get to develop books for 1st-3rd graders in Malawi. BUT, it has challenged me in new ways because writing children's literature is not a genre I've ever written in or for before. I've always (well almost always) prided myself on my writing until now, now I question everything I write - work or class, it doesn't matter. I've never felt so unsure about what I write despite the fact that the feedback on anything I write is always positive -- what am I so afraid of? I am afraid of the moments when my professors think that I'm bored out of my mind because I already 'know all this stuff,' but that means that they have set the bar higher for me than I have set for myself, which means that I have to outperform my last performance which is good, I suppose, but sometimes it just leaves me wishing I had quit before I started. Except that I'm not a quitter so not even that statement is entirely true...and now do you begin to understand why I'm slowly going insane...? But then, who's to say what insanity is anyway...?
On top of school, I do feel as though I deserve the award for 'Most Self Indulgent' when it comes to maintaining relationships with my friends and family - talk about dropping off the face of the earth - I am sorry for disappearing my friends (if you still consider yourself one, or me at all). I will attempt to reconnect and reach out to those I've abandoned along my journey of self-re-discovery...I promise in 2010 to be more connected...or at least to try. And in love, well, that's another chapter all together. It's funny how human beings will believe all their life in one perspective but then when put to the test, if they love someone, they begin to reconsider what was once gosspel. I've always believed in working on a relationship when two people truely love each other, and though there are a great many questions that will need to be answered in order to know how to move toward a future together, whatever lies in the road, along this twisting path, I will accept because I have love, I know love and sometimes, you have to face a firing squad to feel love...but then, who really ducks for cover anyway...?
So, as I prepare for more chaos - conference in March, the hope of seeing beautiful faces in DFW in March, conference in April, consortium in April, and a homecoming in May, I will attempt to update more often so that people don't wonder if I died trying to navigate the winding, and disconnected roads of San Antonio, but then, who wonders that anyway...?
Until next time,
Courtney Chivon
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