I am a day away from turning 30! Finally 30! I have been waiting for 30 since I turned...21! Maybe. Ok, so I'm not exactly sure when I decided that 30 would be a good year, but I know that I have patiently waited for it. Although, much has changed in regards to what I thought turning 30 would mean.
Always a planner, I used to think that I would meet someone in my mid to late 20s, we would date then commit then by 30 we would marry. All of that was to set us up for a three to five year marriage before we embarked on parenthood. Some things have changed, yet some remain the same. While I no longer yearn to be a 30 year old bride, I do yearn to be a 33-35 year old, first time mommy. More on that later...
Right now I am thinking about the more immediate things that will happen and change in the first few months of this new decade. First, I have to survive and finish graduate school which includes writing, defending, and submitting my thesis by August! After that, well, let's just say, 'Always the planner' no longer applies! When I started my journey through grad school, I had a plan to defend and submit my thesis by, oh, next week! Already, so much has changed...
In other news, I just moved into a new apartment and almost immediately felt different. Even though my move to San Antonio was "on my own," in many ways, it wasn't. Because I was in MN during the summer before my move, my mom had to do the leg work for getting my apartment in San Antonio. Then, it was always just a temporary home, a short layover while CT was deployed. Something to keep me going and keep me close when he came home. His things were moved with mine. We spent time there, in that place, and I still remember how it was too small while we were both there, suffocating on the days he would leave, and too big when he was gone. Nothing about that apartment was mine, every memory there was shared with him even when he wasn't around. If I wasn't living with him, I was living with his ghost. Come to think of it, most of my relationship was with his ghost. I'm not sure how much of it was with him. Our story finally ended in October, giving us almost an entire year of being [not] together. So the move to this new apartment is symbolic, as is most everything in my life. This time, I did do it on my own, in more ways than one. This time, it feels like mine and this time I only moved my things. There is something about the move that says, "You've entered the next chapter, Courtney, even if the last one isn't finished yet." Being here also finally brought me to a place where I could mourn. For the first time since we broke up, I cried, in the middle of my living room floor surrounded by boxes and thesis, I cried. At the end, I had one thought, "I am surrounded by me, time to embrace what I have to offer to myself." My cryfest couldn't come soon enough either, it happened on the eve of a very important interview...
So this is the part where I make my new year resolution, or two. Over the past year I've faced a great many changes. Some challenges, like breaking up and attempting to move on, fighting with friends and family, drowning in a shallow pool called: thesis! I've also had some amazing experiences, greeting and meeting members of our Malawian team, traveling to Malawi 3 times! Being there for my sister as she turned 30 and my niece as she turned 10! Growing as a friend, as a daughter, as a person.
My friends know me as independent, strong, determined, and I am but just because I choose to do things on my own does not mean that I do things alone. If I've gained anything over the past year, it's the reaffirming knowledge that my friends and family are always on my side, always ready to listen, always ready to lend a hand - on the off chance that I should admit that I need help. Those who have stayed true and strong have learned this about me, they have learned that eventually, I do ask for help, even if I don't claim to need it very often. Like parents, my friends and family have all been there to witness first steps with watchful eyes and just enough space to let me learn; knowing that my impulsiveness will probably lead to a stumble and a fall and knowing that they shouldn't rush in to rescue me. But also knowing, like parents do, that ultimately I will land on solid ground, find my stride and take off running. I may not be completely unscathed, but then, that's also why they stay so close behind.
I've been told by several people (friends and acquaintances) that I'm brave and strong for living the life that I live (this has different meanings for different people). I've even been told that I inspire them through my actions. But the truth is, they only see me doing these things alone, like an actor on stage but they never see who is standing in the wings. The reality is that I don't do anything alone because if it weren't for the people in my life I couldn't survive. I haven't found the words to articulate how Malawi changed me but I do know how being with my friends and family has changed me. It seems now, that everything I do is to get to the next chapter, I'm far more cognizant of it now than I have ever been.
As I turn 30 I resolve to keep those tried and true closer than ever before. I resolve to let the people go who continue to bring me down. I resolve to forgive and to forget only the hurt but never the laughter. I resolve to be the friend that my friends are to me, or to at least try. I resolve to move forward and not worry about 'what didn't happen,' knowing that there is still a world of 'what is yet to happen' standing just in front of me.
So maybe I won't be a 30 year old bride, but I can be a 30 year old single woman with her entire world open to her and eager to meet the life that has been waiting for her...
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
My year in music
Always a planner, I used to think that I would meet someone in my mid to late 20s, we would date then commit then by 30 we would marry. All of that was to set us up for a three to five year marriage before we embarked on parenthood. Some things have changed, yet some remain the same. While I no longer yearn to be a 30 year old bride, I do yearn to be a 33-35 year old, first time mommy. More on that later...
Right now I am thinking about the more immediate things that will happen and change in the first few months of this new decade. First, I have to survive and finish graduate school which includes writing, defending, and submitting my thesis by August! After that, well, let's just say, 'Always the planner' no longer applies! When I started my journey through grad school, I had a plan to defend and submit my thesis by, oh, next week! Already, so much has changed...
In other news, I just moved into a new apartment and almost immediately felt different. Even though my move to San Antonio was "on my own," in many ways, it wasn't. Because I was in MN during the summer before my move, my mom had to do the leg work for getting my apartment in San Antonio. Then, it was always just a temporary home, a short layover while CT was deployed. Something to keep me going and keep me close when he came home. His things were moved with mine. We spent time there, in that place, and I still remember how it was too small while we were both there, suffocating on the days he would leave, and too big when he was gone. Nothing about that apartment was mine, every memory there was shared with him even when he wasn't around. If I wasn't living with him, I was living with his ghost. Come to think of it, most of my relationship was with his ghost. I'm not sure how much of it was with him. Our story finally ended in October, giving us almost an entire year of being [not] together. So the move to this new apartment is symbolic, as is most everything in my life. This time, I did do it on my own, in more ways than one. This time, it feels like mine and this time I only moved my things. There is something about the move that says, "You've entered the next chapter, Courtney, even if the last one isn't finished yet." Being here also finally brought me to a place where I could mourn. For the first time since we broke up, I cried, in the middle of my living room floor surrounded by boxes and thesis, I cried. At the end, I had one thought, "I am surrounded by me, time to embrace what I have to offer to myself." My cryfest couldn't come soon enough either, it happened on the eve of a very important interview...
So this is the part where I make my new year resolution, or two. Over the past year I've faced a great many changes. Some challenges, like breaking up and attempting to move on, fighting with friends and family, drowning in a shallow pool called: thesis! I've also had some amazing experiences, greeting and meeting members of our Malawian team, traveling to Malawi 3 times! Being there for my sister as she turned 30 and my niece as she turned 10! Growing as a friend, as a daughter, as a person.
My friends know me as independent, strong, determined, and I am but just because I choose to do things on my own does not mean that I do things alone. If I've gained anything over the past year, it's the reaffirming knowledge that my friends and family are always on my side, always ready to listen, always ready to lend a hand - on the off chance that I should admit that I need help. Those who have stayed true and strong have learned this about me, they have learned that eventually, I do ask for help, even if I don't claim to need it very often. Like parents, my friends and family have all been there to witness first steps with watchful eyes and just enough space to let me learn; knowing that my impulsiveness will probably lead to a stumble and a fall and knowing that they shouldn't rush in to rescue me. But also knowing, like parents do, that ultimately I will land on solid ground, find my stride and take off running. I may not be completely unscathed, but then, that's also why they stay so close behind.
I've been told by several people (friends and acquaintances) that I'm brave and strong for living the life that I live (this has different meanings for different people). I've even been told that I inspire them through my actions. But the truth is, they only see me doing these things alone, like an actor on stage but they never see who is standing in the wings. The reality is that I don't do anything alone because if it weren't for the people in my life I couldn't survive. I haven't found the words to articulate how Malawi changed me but I do know how being with my friends and family has changed me. It seems now, that everything I do is to get to the next chapter, I'm far more cognizant of it now than I have ever been.
As I turn 30 I resolve to keep those tried and true closer than ever before. I resolve to let the people go who continue to bring me down. I resolve to forgive and to forget only the hurt but never the laughter. I resolve to be the friend that my friends are to me, or to at least try. I resolve to move forward and not worry about 'what didn't happen,' knowing that there is still a world of 'what is yet to happen' standing just in front of me.
So maybe I won't be a 30 year old bride, but I can be a 30 year old single woman with her entire world open to her and eager to meet the life that has been waiting for her...
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
My year in music
