This vlog is aptly titled Pure Insanity and Worth Every Second. My life has reached new highs and new levels of chaos but I wouldn't change a bit of it.
I apologize for the lighting issues...that's what happens when the sun plays hide & seek with the Earth.
Enjoy the vlog...
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
Pure Insanity and Worth Every Second [video]
This entry will undoubtedly be less poetic and more blunt, a propos to the title, I suppose. AND, I apologize in advance for the use of obscenities...I'm venting, allow me to do so without judgement.
The Reality: He cheated. In the middle of our R&R. The absolute mind fucking that occurred because of this infidelity has left me raped of the ability to trust and has shattered the inner mirror which holds my reflection. Ok..so maybe this still has potential to be literary.
The Explanation Until Now: My friends (and family) have had a difficult time understanding why I didn't just end things with Caleb as soon as I found out [insert long, drawn out story surrounding the discovery of the indiscretion here]. When I said, 'it just isn't that simple and I do love him' [insert long, drawn out story regarding our relationship here], I received strange looks, canned expressions of support and what I'm sure were mumbled whispers about how stupid the mistake I was making would turn out to be. When I ended things with Caleb, I offered to be there for him, as a friend. WHY? because it hurt me too, to have to end things the way I did and I know, I shouldn't have cared, but I did. When I went to El Paso in May I saw him everyday until the day he drove home on leave. I realized that I couldn't be his friend because the attachment was still much stronger than I thought and because I could feel in my bones that he was still lying to me [insert long, drawn out story about knowing all along that this was happening and the curiosity surrounding why she was so damn excited that he was coming home in two weeks while he's still 'fighting for me,' here].
The Current Situation: He will be here next week sometime to pick up his bike and the rest of his stuff from my apartment. In the last week and a half I have deleted him from my facebook account, my phone, my skype account, my email account and by the time he takes the rest of his stuff -- my life. I'm certain he hasn't figured any of this out yet because he hasn't brought it up in the few times he's contacted me since he's been home. This means that I will either 1 - have to inform him of it while he's here, along with the speech he'll get about how we can't be friends after all, or 2 - let him figure it out on his own the next time he logs onto his computer.
Ok, psychologically, I realize that I'm right in the center of 'anger phase' and that eventually I'll get to acceptance or whatever and maybe when that day comes I'll be able to hear his name and not want to punch someone in the face. The situation is this: one day I will want to share some part of my life with someone else (maybe) and when that day comes, I owe it to myself and that future person, to not hold the issues of my past relationship(s) against him. I've never really done this before now and while I'm not involved in a relationship now, I do recognize in talking to my friends that I don't trust people. All of a sudden I'm telling friends that guys they date are shady or that being single for life is the true key to happiness or that anyone whose DNA contains a Y-chromosome is sure to be a liar (<-- as all of my exs have been) or will end up being just like the last person they were involved with that also had a Y-chromosome. It goes beyond bitterness at this point, my world is taken over by anger and the need to turn myself into some new age, Rosie the Riveter and rather than prove that anything he can do, I can do better...I want use my new tool set to dismantle anyone who sees Tiger Woods or Jesse James as a fucking hero!
The Shattered Mirror: The biggest problem of all with this entire situation is that despite what I may 'know' or what my friends may say, his act has done more to tear me down than I would like to admit. There really isn't much else that could have been done to make me feel so completely rejected, unattractive, insignificant, stupid, and unlovable (yes, I meant to say unlovable, not unloved). The issues that surround my anger are more like the realization that for the first time in a long time, I feel ugly again and it's affecting me in ways I haven't dealt with for years. I don't know what to expect next when thinking about how I'll come to terms with this mess. It isn't easy to recover when you feel like yesterday's leftovers...and shattered mirrors are hard to repair.
Until Next Time...
Courtney Chivon
