Chapter 22: Year in Review :: 2010

What do I say? Where do I begin? January...February...March...? No, chronologically seems too linear...thematic maybe? Hmm...also, somehow too contrived...so maybe I'll just write the way I would speak. We'll see how this goes.


2010 was a good year, despite some of the negatives. Or maybe the better way to articulate that is like this: 2010 was a good year, because of some of the negatives. "What!?! Because of the negatives?" Yes, because of the negatives. You see, it is in those moments, that we learn the most about who we are. The moments that question our character, the moments that try our souls, the moments that force us to reflect and to make decisions are the moments that we can step away from feeling as though we have just fought a long hard fight. Even if we lost, we somehow feel satisfied. Maybe the satisfaction comes from learning or realizing one's potential, or maybe the satisfaction comes from recognizing that the battle does not always have to be won in order to be positive. Or maybe the satisfaction comes from knowing that despite everything, we never backed down and the fact that we never quit makes us strong, makes us powerful, and makes us winners after all. 


The blunders, of which I had many in 2010, helped me in a great many ways. All the things that I thought would be painful were, but I would rather feel something than continue to be numb to everything. As I move into 2011, I am feeling more and more and the numbness is slowly fading (<-- seems somehow odd, that numbness can fade...how would you know?). 


I have been all over the place this year and I am about to ring in the new year the same way...with travel! During my recent visit to El Paso, I had a conversation with a friend about fate. I have always believed in fate but over the past year I have felt more and more like fate was the reason for my experiences...without a shadow of a doubt. All the pieces to the San Antonio puzzle were put into place (sometime ago) and now I'm starting to see the picture. Or maybe you like more stellar metaphors, like...all the stars were aligned when it was decided that I would move to San Antonio a year and a half ago. Whatever you prefer, the plan was laid, the chapter was written, the blueprints were drawn and I was finally brought into this plan. A plan much larger than myself and full of experiences that I could have only ever dreamed would be mine. Call it a blessing, call it luck, call it whatever you want; I'll call it fate. 


All of the experiences that I had during 2010 have reinforced the idea that we (as people) need to be open. We need to believe that the plan that has been created for us is a good one.We should have faith and trust that all things will work out as they should. We should accept when things do not pan out the way we wanted, and know that whatever does happen, happens so that the next piece can fall easily into place. The two biggest events for me in 2010 demonstrate this point in a very simple way:


My relationship ended. I traveled for work to Malawi, Africa. While in Africa, as a single person, I was able to very clearly and very logically see the possibility for a future somewhere else. I sometimes wonder how my experience in Africa would have been different if I were still in my relationship and then I think back to last summer when I worked as a camp counselor. See, at the time, I was committed to someone (the same someone) and it did change how I did things or how I handled situations while away. The possibility of receiving an email or a phone call from him still remained a priority even though I was able to effectively do my job, well. I even rode a pedal bike to town just to mail something to him for fear of messing up a routine, see I sent him a package on the 27th of every month. I thought at the time, if he is home next summer I won't come back to camp. I want to be with him, I want to rebuild our life as a couple, I want to learn about us all over again. In Africa, alone, I knew that I would not have turned down the opportunity even if he and I were still together, but I feel that I would have ignored the signs for a plausible future; a future that I now hope to have. Maybe that didn't come out on the screen the way it sounds in my head but the point that I'm trying to make is this: while devastating at the time, the ending of my relationship needed to happen in order for me to be open to the potential for a more amazing life. 


The same feeling rushed over me while at the LRA conference in December. Being surrounded by amazing and sometimes groundbreaking research and being accepted by the members of that world would have gone unappreciated if all I had been thinking about was, "where will we end up when he returns from his second tour?" Instead, my mind raced with thoughts of PhD programs and which city I want to begin the next chapter in...which school...doing what research...with whose unbelievable faculty?


Many of my friends and I have bonded in new ways through 2010 and I have cultivated new relationships that I believe will be lifelong friendships. Friends have always been one of the most important elements of my life, the closest ones are like family and family is who get me through the darkest hours. I have been able to talk to or spend time with some of the most important people more in 2010 than I have in a very very long time. I am grateful to my friends (all of them) and my family (related or not) for allowing me to make mistakes, to realize my mistakes, and to foster my growth as a person. I hope I have done the same for them, or at the very least, I hope I have done something similar. 


One other big realization that I had recently was that since 2007, I have let myself go...somewhat. I have neglected to really take care of myself, I have allowed people to treat me unfairly, I have been a metaphorical floor mat and punching bag for people who never deserved my time in the first place. I have covered the chains of that relationship (the one that ended in 2007) and am only now realizing that I had the key to unlock the cuffs this entire time. It has taken quite a bit of reflection, crying, screaming, and private journaling for me to come to this conclusion and it will likely take a great deal of strength to overcome some of the residual pain. However, I'd rather feel the pain than continue to be numb, and when the pain is gone all that will be left, is the serenity.


2011 brings with it change, I can already tell.  The change will come in a plethora of forms and I plan to openly and eagerly embrace all the changes with a warm heart, a loving smile, and the flash of engaged wonder. Goodbye 2010, thank you for the moments...


Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 21: Brain Spasms

[breathe in][breathe out][breathe in][breathe out]


I'm in the home stretch, and while I won't meet my deadline (and this devastates me) I will be finished by the end of the week and that's okay too.

The last couple of weeks have been crazy and I think my body is trying to revolt for putting it though all the madness! What I can't wait to do is get back to taking care of myself: mind, body, and spirit. I've realized lately that I've been neglecting the important things in life...the things that make our lives. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things that I need to do or the things that I perceive to be important but in the midst of all of that, I tend to forget that breathing comes naturally. Just because I don't have to remind myself to do this, does not mean that I should take it for granted. 


Also, I've been incredibly eager to return to El Paso for Christmas, maybe more so than I've ever been. While I'm not completely sure why this is, I am pretty confident that it has something to do with the realization that I'm almost finished with my Master's and that means that it's almost time for another BIG DECISION for Courtney. I think having so many options in front of me right now has opened my eyes to the fact that this may be the last time that I can load my car and drive...drive to the place that I know so well, yet do not call home. I'm beginning to feel the same thing I felt just before I graduated from UTEP...a sense of departure. It's as if I'm preparing to leave even though I don't think that's what I'm doing. I'm seeing everything as if it will be one of the last times, including returning to El Paso with the same natural ease that I ignore when I breathe.


One other interesting development has been that I've been thinking of my new year resolution. Why is this interesting, you ask? Because I don't make new year resolutions, well, not on 31 December anyway. I make resolutions on my birthday, because that is the true start of a new year for me. Recently (ok, within the last few days) I have been contemplating things that should change or resolutions that I should make and keep for myself. There is much that I need to expel from my life, physically, mentally, emotionally...this could go on. I feel like there's a dark cloud that I continually try to hide from. Sometimes I can trick it and run away fast enough to lose it but eventually, it catches up again. I know that I can shake this thing, I just have to find the strength to do it but sometimes letting go is much harder than holding on. As I look around my room right now I see things and the physical representations only remind me of the almost vacant memories; of the ghostlike figures that haunt me when I am awake.


I know that it's time, as sure as my body, mind, and spirit know that we're getting ready to leave this place too, it is time to unlock the chains that hold us down. As I finish my work for the semester and get ready to head back to El Paso for the holidays, I wish you all well and hope that the holidays find you well...wherever you are. 


Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 20: Unedited and Uncut

So for those of you who regularly follow, you may have noticed a change. Unedited and Uncut: My Life in Draft is a sentiment to both my writing (style) and the iterative (I don't think this is a word, but I'm a linguist and it follows rules, so...) way my life tends to play out. Not that I'm looking for a final version, I think that would mean that I'm dead...not my wish. Anyway, it seemed that this new title was much more a propos for the work that gets dumped into this virtual residency, for there is nothing Great about the chapters of this book...but there is a constant flux that I certainly hope never changes. With that, I leave you with Vlog #4 which I just noticed bears striking resemblance to Chapter 19...apparently, I forgot that I've been feeling this way for a while or maybe it's still and not forgot, or maybe it's...always and in waves....


Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon


Compounding Thoughts [video]