[deep breath]
So much has happened, in a week, a month, a year, in a life.
I'm feeling introspective and slightly melancholy today, maybe because I chose to stay home and work and sleep and continue to bring myself back to ideal health (by the way, we're almost there, I'm feeling good enough to eat solid food again!).
Back to the point of today's blog...so much has happened in my life...over time, over the years, during the day...and as I sit here listening to The District and Ron Pope, crying because I realize that I have an amazing life yet I feel pain, I am left with memories of the past and thoughts of the future. Memories are both good and bad, with a few 'what ifs' thrown in for good measure, but my thoughts about the future are what I really want to discuss, especially because they are thoughts and not fears, which is kind of a first for me.
I know, I don't express my fears, so for some to hear that this is the first time I haven't feared what is yet to come, it will probably be a bit of a shock. However, I do fear what I don't know and I suppose that is pretty typical of human nature but this time, as I consider what lies ahead I am open and ready for the life waiting to meet me.
I have had many discussions lately around my love life as I've been dating quite a bit since Caleb came home and definitely since I verbally forgave him (don't confuse that with, 'I've been dating Caleb again' -- I haven't). One thing that has become more clear to me now than ever is that I really do like being on my own. I live a happier life when I'm single. I'm capable of being in a relationship and I'm good at it but I morph into it and the person that I'm with and I hate that. As I consider my options for the future and see that there is little room for a partner, it doesn't make me sad and it doesn't make me feel lonely, it makes me feel alive and free. Free to make decisions, free to choose whatever I want, free to feel and speak and live in a way that I want. If at some point I should choose to have a long term relationship with someone then, that's ok too, but I don't feel like that is the most important part of life. Life isn't about finding another person to be happy with, life is about being fulfilled and bringing fulfillment to others, even when those 'others' are not related to you or married to you or likened to you in any way. Life is about finding the happiness that allows you to live a life worth living, a life that YOU deem worth living.
I've been fortunate enough to travel recently and lately and through the experience I have realized a great many things about myself, things that I am still unable to articulate, some things that I am still unable to fully process. The point of today's blog (and it will be short - the blog) is to reconcile feelings of dichotomous emotion and accept that life isn't answered with 'this' or 'that' but that sometimes...most times...there is always a bleed effect, a 'this' and 'that.' For a long time I thought things had to be one way or the other, but with every day that passes I become more uncomfortable with 'black' and 'white' and much more accepting of 'grey.' But then that suggests that I don't see color but I do; I see splashes of color. I see color when things get dark, I see color from a rainbow in a storm, I see color when I want to see hope; and I always see hope.
As I consider what comes next, even as soon as tomorrow, I am putting in writing the choice that I made to be true to myself, to what I feel and know, and to stop allowing external forces be they people or ideas -- whatever -- to dictate how I should feel or what I should think or do. I have a world of opportunity in front of me and I am ready to seize any part of it, on my own yet never alone.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
