Chapter 43: Another Year

I'm a couple days late with my new year resolution, but better late than never, right?

It's interesting the way that things come into our lives or our view at just the right time; I guess some would call those omens or signs. My dad has a way, too, of being intuitive, or at the very least, perceptive. I think the one line that encapsulates my thoughts for this resolution comes from what my dad wrote in my Easter card. While I'm not one to celebrate the resurrection, I will celebrate that Easter is a sign of spring. Either way, my parents still send me an Easter card and special treats to celebrate, and this year my dad's message meant more to me than usual. He wrote, “Easter helps us believe in new beginnings.” Dad's message couldn't have come at a better time, or maybe I was more open to receiving it because of the changes that I'm making in my life.

I'm trying very hard to remove as much of the toxicity from my life as I can, and it hasn't always been easy, but I am becoming more and more aware of how necessary it is. This change is helping me find new strength, it's helping me be the person who I never thought I had a right to be. How crazy is that? To think that you have to do certain things or behave a particular way in order to deserve a specific life, set of friends, or even love. I don't want this blog to be about that, instead, I want solely to consider the wishes that I have for myself as I enter into another new year.

New beginnings. I really do feel them. It's almost as if I can see what my future could hold; not just that I'm able to visualize it, but I can actually watch it. There is almost a sense of nostalgia that comes with it, because I can see it so clearly that it's like I'm watching my past, only it hasn't happened yet. This is new and exciting and a little scary since there is no real way of knowing what the future holds. I see new adventures. I am excited for some traditions to continue and to engage in new experiences with my friends and family. I see new friends and places. I see exploration of space and self – travel near and far. I see light, a certain kind of brightness that comes from the purity of spirit. I see laughter, joy, excitement, love, smiles, and genuine happiness. I hope for newer and deeper understanding of my role here, not on Earth, but for myself and others in this life.

So much change has already taken place in the last 365 days; I'm in a very different place today than I was a year ago. This time last year I did a lot of pretending. I did a lot of lying to myself and others about my feelings and fears, hopes, thoughts, everything. My happiness wasn't genuine and the few moments that I did feel it didn't last long. For the most part, last year is forgotten; a faded and faraway memory that I have chosen not to hold onto. I don't want that to be true for this new year, and I already don't think it will be. I'm feeling healthier now – in mind, body, and spirit. I feel like I'm on the right track, that my vision is clearing, that I'm gaining more ground and I'm almost ready to live the life designed for me. The one I deserve and always have – even if I didn't think so before. I'm excited for the prospect of “new beginnings” whatever they may be; I think I'm finally ready for them.

Another year older, and maybe, finally, another year wiser.

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 42: Hope

I have been absent for a while. Absent from this blog, but more importantly, absent from my life. It’s like I went for a hike through the forest one day and got lost. Rather than try to find my way out, I sat down and waited. Waited, and waited, and waited never realizing that nobody knew I was lost, therefore, nobody was trying to find me. I stayed in one spot waiting to be found; stayed through the heat and the rain, the cold and the wind, the change of seasons until finally, I woke up. Realizing that I had been waiting over a year to be found, I knew that my only way out would be to find an exit myself. So now I’m on my feet again, navigating the labyrinth of a dark forest, determined to make my way back to the light. I know I’ll find the edge and return to a thriving life; I just don’t understand why it took so long for me to rescue myself. Perhaps it was hope – the intangible object around which my life revolves. 

Hope. It’s what makes people believe in good, have faith for something better, it’s what keeps people from permanently falling apart. Hope. The one, sometimes tiny detail, that pushes a person further when giving up seems to be the only thing left to do. Hope – it kept me curled up in a fetal position, lost, crying, and waiting to be found. 

But sometimes, hope is deceiving. Sometimes not being found results in a feeling that hope has failed you, hope has lied, and maybe even, hope isn't real at all. Maybe the curious dichotomy that exists with hope has something to do with the entrapment of it in Pandora’s jar. Had hope escaped with the rest of humanities’ evils, then it too would cause destruction; it would carry with it the necessary evil to cause people to do one thing based on what result they thought it would have on something else. Instead, hope remained in the jar, trapped upon Pandora’s fear, remaining somehow pure. 

I don’t know what it is about hope, but I do know that I’m a believer of the good it holds rather than the evil it brings. I do know that it remains the central theme to the parable that is my life. I do know that I need it, that hope is what gets me through the tough times even if, in the end, it was hope that led me to believe in a different outcome. While I hoped to be rescued from the floor of a metaphorical forest, I also hope to find my way out on my own. While I hope for the sun to shine on the path I am to take, I also hope to engage the world around me and learn from what it has to offer. 

I have shed the layers of my past, like breadcrumbs on a trail, but with no intention to ever follow them back to the dark spot in the forest from which I came. They are simply there to remind me of the influence they once held; the kind of hope they once represented. I am still journeying through this forest, looking for the way out, and as my scenery changes, so does my hope. 

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 41: Stream of Consciousness

Hello dear readers, I’m here.

Both of my blogs (personal and adventure) have become quite dilapidated and while I could make excuses for that, the truth is that I have felt uninspired. The best way I can describe how I have been feeling is to compare it to an overdrawn bank account. My mental and emotional states have been so misplaced that it has taken all my physical energy just to get through the minutia of a single day, and when the day comes to its close, I am spent – there is nothing left to withdraw. Additionally, my mind has been occupied with thoughts of another person, someone who I should have cut from my life a long time ago. I realized what others already knew, that I was waiting, that I had put my life on hold for someone who had stated that he had no desire to be together. I’m angry with myself for continuing to give him power by keeping the connection open, or even just thinking of him at all. As much as it won’t make sense, I do believe that the biggest reason I stopped writing was because I thought that if he read it, what he read should prove that I don’t need him. My writing should be so full of life that he would be left wondering, does she miss me? But I felt that I wasn’t doing anything with my life to show him this through my writing. How could I submit to such twisted thoughts? How could I turn my life upside down so much that I couldn’t tell one direction from another? I was refusing to be who I was because who I wanted to be was someone he would desire, someone he would feel stupid over letting go, and someone he would miss. I guess I finally woke up and realized that he isn’t the reason I write, and he isn’t the reason I keep blogs, and he isn’t the reason for anything in my life – not even my sadness. Even this blog is not about him, it is about revival. Reviving my entries, reminding people that I am here and I am living a life – that I will try living my life again and sharing some parts of that with you, as I did when I first started.

Here are my thoughts regarding each blog:

Personal – I have a lot of emotional things to process, not just regarding my recent awakening, but in general. As I strive to better myself, I will purge my mind of inconsequential thoughts, small musings about life and love, and maybe provide a sounding board for you.

Adventure – I have so many past travel journals that I never published, and once upon a time I thought I would digitize all of those for your reading pleasure. Now, I think it will be better for me to choose some of my favorite moments and write those as narratives – brief stories of travel, friendship, growth, and exploration. I also have many photos that I would like to stream through a slideshow – favorites only, much like my memories.

I don’t know what to expect, and I won’t make any promises regarding frequency, but I do feel inspired again, and I do miss the virtual contact with others. I am here and I intend to stay for a while.

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon