Chapter 40: When All is Said and Done.

Hello again. It’s been a while.

I usually create a vlog for Thanksgiving thoughts and well wishes, but this year I thought it best to write. I lack certain clarity as I sit here, but I have confidence that it will come to me – that it will come through me.

At the end of my anniversary video I said that year two would be full of adventure, and while that still has the possibility to be true, many of my early adventures were postponed. I said I wouldn’t talk about this anymore, but the truth is that I have to. In September, parts of Colorado were devastated by what is known as a hundred year flood. I was not directly affected, though there were moments of uncertainty, but I had colleagues and students who were displaced. I talked to people in my professional community who watched houses literally wash away with a raging current. At the time, I concentrated my thoughts on those who I knew, while also trying to deny because denial is my best defense – it’s my greatest coping mechanism despite its flaws. I pretended that I was fine, that I was unaffected because physically, I was unaffected. But I was not fine; I was afraid. Not for myself, but for life. I was sad. I was aching.

Through it all, I had a handful of people reach out who remained consistent in their concerns and efforts, and I am thankful for them. I was also very resentful and hurt by those who didn’t ask. Over time, I’ve realized that my resentment was not for myself, but for the fact that those I considered friends - those close to me, did not feel the need to ask how life – any life – was impacted by events that happened so quickly. I expected to be asked what it was like, or how close was it to me, or what information do I know, but none of that came, and I grew angry. How could I be friends with people so callous? How could I feel like one of them when they didn’t feel anything at all? In time the anger grew to sadness. The flooding stopped. Roads reopened, and everything just stood still. Life continued at a slower pace, stress fractures grew slowly, people grieved – our state was in mourning.

Last weekend I worked with my client. Things haven’t been easy since the flood, our trails were washed out or cluttered with debris, but I decided to drive to one of our favorite spots just to check on the progress. As I turned the corner I noticed that the gate was open and another car was pulling into the trailhead parking lot. I was thrilled. As we began to hike I couldn’t help but think about how that one reopening was symbolic of so much more. On a clear and beautiful day the trail was full of hikers, bikers, dogs, and us – overcome with joy to return to a state of normalcy. Colorado was recovering and the mourning had ended. But it wasn’t just the physical landscape that demonstrated an ability to “come back,” I realized that it had been all around me, but I needed to stop mourning in order to see it – to appreciate it. There had been laughter in the air. People had done what they needed in order to move on – I just remained stuck until that day – that moment – when everything felt right again.

I thought about those friends who chose not to reach out, but this time I thought, maybe they coped with things their own way. Maybe ignorance is bliss. Maybe they didn’t want to know specifics because it would make them feel helpless and I believe that nobody likes to feel helpless when someone they know needs help. I was quick to anger and slow to forgive when it should be the other way around, but I have forgiven, and I am stronger.

That event led to postponement of several mini adventures because so much was affected. Trails were washed away or no longer existent. Roads leading to said trails were in need of major repair, and life was different – living was different. However, nothing lasts forever and I’m quite happy to see and feel the winds of change. Mini adventures are still set to happen this year; I have plenty of time before the year two anniversary date.

Since the anniversary, other things have happened. I started working full-time at the Montessori school I worked at last year. It has been a rewarding change for many reasons, mostly; I really like feeling like I’m a part of something – like I belong to a community. The other day I was asked by my colleague if I thought I would come back next year and I told her I do. Her response left me with mixed emotions. On the one hand, I was happy that she was so happy, but on the other, she also seemed very surprised, and that left me feeling like I don’t demonstrate enough the joy I feel in being there. For her to be so unsure made me sad that I’m not as open and vulnerable as I should be. Maybe it isn’t about should, but certainly I have cheated those in close proximity by not revealing my true feelings. I suppose it would be no different if I hated being there, but acted as though I liked it, withholding feelings seems to be just what it is regardless of what fuels it. Is it fair for me to hide behind a shield because I don’t want to feel pain? No, it’s selfish of me. What about the people I work with, the people I work for – my students? I am quite grateful to be where I am, to feel a sense of belonging, to feel important, and to feel loved. The rest falls on me. It’s up to me now to demonstrate more openly that I reciprocate those feelings.

With full-time employment at the school, I have had to limit time with my client, so we now see each other twice a month (more if needed, but not scheduled). October was my one year anniversary working with him, and it still amazes me to think of what we’ve done in only a year. He inspires me in a number of ways and often reminds me not to take things so seriously, that sometimes we just need to sit for a while. I realize that I’m projecting when I come to these conclusions, but it doesn’t change how much I believe in them and in the fact that I wouldn’t consider those things if not for my client. I am sure that he has done more for me than I have for him, yet I’m the one labeled, caregiver.

At a dinner hosted for all of his caregivers, we sat in awe as we witnessed and talked about how far he has come, and where he could go next. Again, I had a moment of feeling as though I belonged, and feeling so grateful to be part of such a warm, caring, and insightful group of people. My client is one lucky kid, not because any one of us stands out, but because together we have a common goal and we all just do what we can to work toward it. We celebrate each other just as much as we celebrate him – the stars are aligned. With the return of one of his long time caregivers, much like the reopening of trails, everything feels right again. Though this isn’t about right and wrong, this is about recognizing that a certain dynamic can only exist when particular pieces are in place, and when just one of those pieces is unaligned, the dynamic shifts. In this instance, we are all working toward a goal; we work toward it collaboratively without regard for individual gain. We work selflessly. More so, I recognize that the apex of such a dynamic, the unifying force, is my client’s mom. She is the person who chooses his caregivers; she is the one who recognizes when someone “fits,” she is the one, ultimately, who holds us together. She does it because she is just as much a part of that special group of people as she is an orchestrator. As much faith I have in humanity, the truth is that I find this kind of togetherness, this dynamic, to be quite rare, and I am immensely grateful to be a part of that.

So far I have really only reflected on the professional part of my life, so without further adieu…

I haven’t done much to expand my circle of friends. My colleagues are my primary set of friends as of now and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure where the line of demarcation is with that. Nonetheless, my personal life has remained, well, personal – as in – I’m the only one with access to it. I’m not sure why I have remained so secluded, I haven’t had much drive to get to know people. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of telling me that I’m not ready yet, that I have yet to find satisfaction with myself and until I do, I can’t have any new friends. I also think that as I age, I realize with greater understanding just how fleeting friendship is, and I think it makes me afraid to feel hurt, so again I hide.

Recently I realized just how detrimental this could be, and in that realization I felt quite lonely – something I don’t actually feel very often. I had to have surgery recently (we’ll return to this topic shortly), and though I would have asked my sister first to be my temporary caregiver because I’m most comfortable with her, the truth is that there weren’t many other people I could ask even if I wanted to. If I had just one friend who lived closer, I would have asked that person first because convenience in proximity would have beat family at a distance. It made me really sad to think that after a year of living here, I had virtually no one to turn to in a time of need. Why have I been so reclusive? Why am I making no effort to make a friend? Surely my personal life is suffering because of something I’m doing – something I can’t even understand. Even after asking my sister and before renegotiating, I felt guilty that the closest person to help me was 100 miles away. I felt loved that she said she would do it, but as time grew closer, my guilt also grew, and before her husband offered to take her place I had asked my aunt to help. I was grateful to have all of them offer help, but still felt like it isn’t quite right to be the new girl in town, when I’ve been in town for over a year. What is happening to me? Why can’t I move forward?

Maybe it isn’t about moving forward, but instead, about recognizing that I can’t always be the only person I need. I never felt lonely when I didn’t have extra help because I never really needed it – I could always just do things on my own. This time, however, I really needed another human being, and feeling that need was unfamiliar to me – I didn’t like it. Still, until now, I refused to acknowledge that I needed someone; that I needed at all. Maybe my lack of friendships is indicative of my lack of dating – I only just said that I was ready to date again, but have yet to do anything about it. It’s almost like I’m seeing everything under fluorescent lights instead of ambient lighting – it’s all harsh and unflattering. The part that bothers me is that I don’t know why, I don’t understand my own behavior, I don’t know why I feel so let down before I have reason to. Maybe it is the universe conspiring…maybe I still have a long way to go.

The one positive part of keeping to me is that I am forced to focus on myself – to do things for myself. As I said, I had surgery recently – step one in identifying the underlying cause to my trouble with migraines. Don’t worry, though I did have surgery on my head, it wasn’t close to my brain. I had oral surgery, in part because it needed to happen anyway, I honestly don’t believe that our skulls are meant to house so many teeth. Also, if having my molars removed leads to a decrease in migraines, I won’t feel the need to investigate much further. If, on the other hand, nothing changes … well, I choose not to think about that unless I have to, and right now, I don’t have to. I have been quite blessed in my recovery, it has been incredibly smooth, and pain free. It helps that I had one of the best maxillofacial surgeons performing the surgery – makes it worth the money. My sutures have already dissolved and it’s like nothing ever happened. I can’t say anything about the migraines though because I’m on a drug used to treat migraines so until that is gone and I have time to adjust, nothing can really be determined. At any rate, the next thing for me to focus on is realignment of my teeth, now that I have more room and no threat of bully teeth to push things around again, I want them straight. I’m not terribly vain, but I miss having a pretty smile.

This blog is growing to an unbloggable size – I might have to turn it into parts. In an effort to wrap things up, there is yet another source for which I am grateful, and I want to acknowledge it. My family. This mostly means my parents and my sister, but is not limited to them in any way. As always, my parents remain constant, helping even when I tell them that I don’t need it I should probably stop saying that and just accept it as a way to get over this need to not need. My mom came for a visit in August and it was almost perfect until the end when I got snappy. We have a history of snapping at each other which is why I was so amazed that this visit went so well. The truth is that I lashed out because she was leaving. I lashed out because I have separation anxiety. I lashed out because it’s easier to deal with the separation when you don’t feel sad over it. We got past it, of course, we always do, but I know that I need to work on it. I need to actively work on my relationships with people, and maybe I should start with my mom.

Another relationship that is constantly in a state of evolution is the one with my chosen sister. I’ve said before that we continually surprise ourselves and each other with the things we learn about ourselves and each other. Our relationship grows, as it should, and recently she confided in me in a way that left me unsure of what role I should play. I don’t know if what I said was enough or the least bit helpful, but I do know that, for me, it was a huge symbol of who I am to her – for that, grateful is an understatement. It isn’t just the relationship with her that evolves, but that with everyone in her family. I’m also taking great joy in watching the change between my parents and her; together, we understand what family is and what it means to be part of one. It’s in family that I can finally be vulnerable, that I can try to hide, but will eventually be called out, that I can trust, and mostly, that I can love.

I am grateful for many things this holiday, but I am especially grateful for love. I will be happy to grade children’s work and do some planning during my time off because I will be doing it from the comfort of my couch; I will do it while watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. Though I will be home alone, I will know that surrounding me is a blanket of hope, of blessing, and of love. I will spend my Thanksgiving with thoughts of others, believing that everywhere someone is thinking of someone else – and that is something to be thankful for – we are the channels of love; our thoughts, our blessings, and our wishes for each other and another tomorrow. I look forward to another opportunity to be grateful; another opportunity to be part of a grander design.

Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Chanukah.

Until next time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 39: Year 1. Check.

My first year in Colorado has come to an end. Yesterday, 31 July, marked my official one year anniversary (although, technically I still won’t be a resident until September since that’s when my mailing address and license were changed) and what a year it has been!

I’ll start by reminding some of you that for the first month I was living with my sister and family in Colorado Springs. For two weeks of that first month I was driving 200 miles round trip from their house to my job in Boulder. Needless to say, the drive sort of lost its charm rather quickly. I managed to find a place in Longmont, cutting my drive time to thirty minutes AND I landed a second job in Broomfield to fill the empty hours of the afternoon. All of this has provided me with 365 fully scheduled, never-ending, exhausting days all culminating in “Year 1.”

The past year was full of changes. The physical, of course, as Colorado and Texas are … wait … not alike? Actually, quite alike, but not at all alike when it comes to…wait…politics? No, that’s not it. Mentality? Somewhat. Why did I move? Oh, right, we get snow in Colorado. And we climb mountains. And we boulder. And we raft, and zip line, and hike, and bike, and kayak, and ski, and snowboard, and snowshoe, and swim, and camp, and more…and that’s just what we do in our spare time. Now, I’m using “we” quite liberally as I have not necessarily participated in all of the aforementioned activities, but I have experienced a handful. More importantly, I have big, no, BIG goals to experience a handful or more of those activities during “Year 2.”

Moving to Colorado has opened my eyes in many ways. Being here has helped me understand myself better, though still not as well as I would like. Being here has helped me understand others in my life and the role(s) they play. I have breathed new air, both literally and metaphorically. With each new day, I am learning to embrace more of this state, the people, my life here, and especially, my “self.”

I spent the first year moving and moving in (and believe it or not, I still have a few boxes to unpack). I’ve been slowly trying to make this cozy apartment feel like a home; it’s still a work in progress, but I’m enjoying it so far. I have been working – a lot! So much, in fact, that I haven’t actually had time to do any of the things that I’ve wanted to do, or at least, I haven’t been able to do them the way I hoped to. However, changes with work will mean that I’ll have more “me time” in Year 2 and with that extra time I fully intend to further develop my “self” and engage in more of those activities that I’ve been waiting so long to enjoy.

I have decided not to discuss some of the personal things that I dealt with during the past year only because it won’t really mean anything. Bringing them up won’t change them and I’ve come to terms with it all so it seems pretty useless to share at this point. I now have a much better understanding and view of myself and who I am in relationships – all relationships, not just romantic. This also means that I know what I deserve and what I’m willing to “put up with.” I’ve thought people were friends and they turned out to be less. I’ve thought people didn’t care for me and they’ve turned out to know me better than “friends.”  I’ve found new strengths in old friendships. Most importantly, I know what I need to do as I move forward; I know better about how to be me.

So here’s to Year 1 and the joy and sorrow, the laughter and tears, the journeys and moments of calm. As for Year 2…I intend to get out more – socially. I need to meet more people in Colorado, especially NoCo, and please, can I date someone who gives me butterflies? Please. I want to go to one new brewery per month – shouldn’t be hard seeing as how CO is practically the micro brew capital of the world. I mean, there are three here in Longmont, but I’ve been to them already so I guess I can’t count those in Year 2. Speaking of drinking, I WILL make it to CO’s wine country and sample a few. I will also get in more travel (in general) this year. I love it so much and miss it so much more. While I’m travelling, maybe I can start working on a manuscript – any one of the many, if I could just get started already! I really, really want to get to more shows and definitely a sporting event or couple twenty. I also really miss the Farmer’s Market! I definitely want to get in some more hiking – including a 14er or two, or three, or…
I will get back into my yogic practice and get that cute little yoga body back. Plus, I miss it and the way I feel when my practice is solid and constant. I REALLY want to perfect my Scorpion pose – without assistance. I plan to build the road bike that I’ll use to train and participate in RtR.

I have some private goals as well and a goal chart so I can keep track of my progress. I’ll share stories with you as well as I expect the forthcoming year to be quite exciting.

My biggest goal this year is to be more present as I have not been very good at that in quite some time. I’ve already begun to clear my mind and my environment – I am positive I can do this, and I am positive that it will be great!

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon

Here's the video: Year 1. Check

Chapter 38: More Changes and My New Year Resolution

This is going to be a two part blog. Part one will explain upcoming changes to the blog and other social media. Part two will focus on my new year resolution.

Part One.
I have said it many times and temporarily disbanded from Facebook, but this time, more real than not. I posted a status update recently regarding the deactivation of my account and I received messages asking that I don't disappear. Here is how I've decided to compromise (some of these already implemented):

• I will keep the account, but I will not post to it.
• I will monitor anything that comes to my timeline from someone else (I do this already).
• I will delete all photos except my default and cover photo, and those tagged from others (although, this is still under consideration).
• If I could, I would block private messages. If you should choose to communicate with me via Facebook "email" I will not respond. In fact, I won't even look at it, I will delete it. 

In place of Facebook, my blog (this blog) will become a priority as it was when I started it. I will post to it more frequently (I am aiming for weekly first and then daily). Photos that I share will be done so through the blog and subsequent links to my Photobucket albums. If you have something to say in response to the blog, you can do so by adding a comment directly, or sending me an email - buttons are available for both options right on the blog. I will still be posting to Tumblr. and Twitter, but Facebook has become a toxic space and I wish to distance myself from it. In short, if you want to use social media to be a part of my life, you will have to do it through the blog. I was told by someone that deleting Facebook won't fix the problem, but it will because Facebook IS the problem. Also, writing the blog was meant to be therapeutic as much as it was meant to keep people connected. I need it more than I need Facebook. 

Part Two.

I am two weeks away from adding another year to my life - already. This year, like the years before I moved to San Antonio, I am spending it away. I am heading to the beautiful, old, historical, delicious, and french city of New Orleans. I haven't been back there in 13 years and I cannot wait! Two of my dearest friends will be meeting me there and the three of us will have an amazing weekend together - I know it! I can't think of a better place to celebrate my birthday, especially after all the travelling I have done the past few years - literal and metaphorical - NOLA is a physical representation of the transformation that I am continually going through. Unfinished but growing stronger each day, I am bound to that city in ways I cannot explain; it was love at first sight, and I believe that to be true for both of us. I am ready to get back there and share it with special people.

There are a few things that I am waiting to find out about this month, job related, location related, etc. and in the process of discovering what happens there (to be shared in a later blog), I am also trying to find ways to make life with my Colorado family more of a priority. I moved here for a reason, but due to some external forces, I haven't been able to devote much of myself to that reason. I am hoping that some of the upcoming changes will give me the opportunity to spend more time with those I love. I was fortunate and happy to be able to surprise my youngest niece on her birthday in January and to celebrate my bother-in-law's birthday in March. I have been able to spend some time with my aunt and my uncle, but it has been brief and in passing. I want to be able to spend more time and do more things with my family; family was the reason I chose Colorado over D.C., Chicago, and Boston so I should be with them more. There are some activities that I want to partake in during my tenure here in Colorado and I have invited my sister to be a part of as many of those as she wants. Maybe you'll see more blogs about our relationship too, it's been a long time since we've been in the same physical place and I feel like this is our opportunity to grow more. We laughed that we're still learning about each other, but in reality, that's the way it should be. The moment you feel like you know all you're going to know is probably the moment your relationship begins to fade and I am happy to know that we're still learning.

I am currently in Steamboat Springs for the weekend, a welcome escape which has proven to me that I need to focus. Everyone has priorities in life, but only you decide what or who they are. I've placed too much emphasis and priority in the wrong people and I have done it for too long. Learning about self is a constant flux and change is the only expectation. My resolution for the forthcoming year is this: focus on myself, my family, my true friends, my professional growth, my personal life, and be prepared to accept each last minute change life throws my way because at the end of the day, those changes happen for a reason and it's always positive.

Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon

Chapter 37: Exhausted!

I’ve been dating since I was 15, I’m exhausted. Where is he?! ~ Charlotte, SATC

Poor Charlotte, the hopeless romantic, waiting for Mr Right and growing more and more tired of single hood with each passing day. Charlotte’s mistake, however, was in being so desperate for marriage that she married the wrong guy. This, of course, led to an unhappy and unfulfilled relationship which would result in divorce and eventually lead dear Charlotte to her happily ever after.

I’m not Charlotte in any way but one: I’m exhausted and wondering where he is.

I have gone through what can only be described as a mind-fuck of emotion. Maybe that’s the same as undulation and that’s certainly a more “ladylike” term; either way, I’ve been had. I’ve been quite confused and trying to seek understanding through all the clichéd messages that people like to give when they have no idea what to say or how to say something. The problem with clichés is that they are loaded messages and when you say them to someone who is analyzing everything to its very core, clichés serve the exact opposite purpose than that which they were intended to serve. Then, of course, there are the less clichéd but equally aggravating lies that people tell to help you “feel better.” Well you know what? They don’t help! I would like to go through some of that BS that has been fed to me recently and/or over the years and explain why it’s pure shit. Ready?

 1.      (a) They’re just intimidated by you OR (b) They feel like they have nothing to lose so why not.

Bullshit! (And don’t judge me for what is stated below, we all know how important physical attraction is, especially at first). This is in reference to physical appearance first, although it will feed directly into lie number two but we’ll get there.

(a)    I refuse to believe that men are intimidated by my looks. While I acknowledge that I’m not the ugliest shirt on the rack, I’m not the fanciest one either. I’m rather plain, in fact, a simple white t-shirt if you will. Even with makeup and a nice outfit I don’t outshine those around me. Also, this is the antithesis to why guys approach me anyway – they only one want thing from me and it has nothing to do with what I think or have to say…

(b)   When I do get hit on, it’s by the same guy. You know who I’m talking about, the dudes with the napoleon complex, in muscle tees but no muscles, a beer gut, you know who, exactly.

      2.      You’re too smart/driven/capable/etc.

Bullshit! Almost every guy I know says that he is either looking for or happy he found a woman who is smart, driven, and capable! Seriously, what guy wants the dumb, unambitious, loser who can’t do anything for herself? NOBODY! Now, remember I said that lie #1 and #2 feed each other. Part of this argument is situated after several dates when the guy has learned more about me and realizes that I’m smart(er), (more) driven, and (more) capable than him. Still total and complete, 100% out of a cow’s ass, BULLSHIT!

        3.      You’re so independent that they never feel needed by you.

I will concede to this idea only so far as to say that I have been guilty of not telling my partner when I do need him (or even THAT I do need him). Otherwise…

Bullshit! This is such a Catch-22 too because the minute I express some semblance of need I get labeled a Stage-5 Clinger! NO! You can’t have it both ways. You can’t bitch that you don’t feel needed and then bitch that I need you too much! So what is the formula for need? I’d like to know.

         4.      They’re afraid you’re going to leave them so they leave you first.

Bullshit! It simply isn’t possible that I’ve only dated or been in relationships with cowards. AND what would make them think I am going to leave anyway? Oh, lies #1-3, I’m guessing.

          5.     They realized they could easily spend the rest of their life with you and that scares them.

Bullshit! Not only is this the antithesis to lie #4 but why would “happily ever after” scare him unless he’s just looking for a fling or is over concerned with sowing wild oats. Oh but the guys I find myself with claim to not be that guy…they’re the serial monogamists (except one who never said he was but also never mentioned that he enjoyed cheating). They would “never do anything to screw this up” and I’m “too good to be true” and LIES! OMG I’m so over it already and I haven’t even finished this blog!

           6.       Don’t worry; the day will come when you’ll find him/he’ll find you.

Bullshit! You know who tells you THIS clichéd message? People who have already found that other person! Of course you’re optimistic, you have someone to come home to everyday, but I bet that if you didn’t you would be just as bitter as I am right now! Save the canned words of comfort, they don’t comfort anyone, trust me!

           7.       They don’t understand your mixed messages about marriage, hell I don’t understand!

Ok, here’s where things get tricky and I realize that it’s because I haven’t been clear. I’m going to set the record straight right here, right now: I don’t believe in marriage as a priority on someone’s list or a set of bound rules. This is where Charlotte and I differ a great deal. I do, however, believe in love. Not the hopeless romantic, grand gestures, fairytale kind of love but the simple, kind, generous, shared kind of love. And if/when that kind of love comes along, I would be open to discussing what marriage would mean to me and that person. I would never let go of something real over something as insignificant as a label but I would never engage in a legally bound partnership over something as insignificant as image. Merging two individual worlds into one collective experience isn’t marriage, it’s love. It’s the realization that embedding the everyday practices of two people into one shared experience is both fulfilling and necessary to human bonding. Wanting to have and give love has nothing to do with being married but it has everything to do with survival and a real life, ever changing, happily ever after. I’m not looking for a husband, I’m looking for love. If a husband is found from that, then so be it and if not, that’s fine too.

My disdain for the above lies comes down to this: Even if those remarks were true, I believe that if a guy wants to be with me, he will be with me. None of the statements above or anything else would matter. He would fight, he would communicate, he would acknowledge, he would want one person and one person only – me. He would be simultaneously afraid and unafraid, willing to lose but hoping to win, be gentle in drawing out the vulnerability, but strong in defining his needs. We would remind each other every day that there is nobody in the world who is a better fit than me to him and him to me.

So I’m left with a thought, the common denominator in all my endeavors with men is: me. They are not the problem, I am the problem. The men who approach me and then let me down are not the problem (although some do have problems), I am the problem. Guised as a multitude of things, the real problem is the way I treat myself. As an educator who knows the importance of modeling behavior I have not done a very good job of that for myself. This is true for every kind of relationship I engage in, but for today and as of late, it is only relevant to intimate, romantic relationships. I haven’t given myself enough respect or faith or value so when I engage in affairs with others they feel they can treat me as I treat myself. Desiring only the physical, being convenient, never challenging or asking for more, never expressing needs or gratitude, never being anyone who matters, I’m an insignificant speck on this planet and that’s how I am treated. Then I get angry and I blame them, all the “hims” in my life but the blame falls on me and I deserve better than that. I deserve to matter to someone the way he matters to me. I’m not an object of desire; I’m a human being, a woman with love in her metaphorical heart and ready to share life’s little pleasures with someone who wants to share his with me. “We accept the love we think we deserve,” (Perks of Being a Wallflower, 2012), and I deserve more than this.

While I was in Italy I wrote a letter to Juliet (link: Dear Juliet). You can think what you want but when I was in Verona, knowing how foolish it was of me, I was compelled to tell her how I felt. I didn’t leave the letter there for her (by the way, not at all like the movie, although if you leave your letter there, someone will write you back), but I did write it and then I promptly packed it away with the rest of my feelings. I’ve since read it and although quite terrifying, I’m sharing it, with you. Some of you know me and will likely feel pleased that I’ve finally opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable. Some of you think you know me and will probably be surprised by what you read and some of you don’t know me at all, in which case, what you think or feel will be projections of your own life somehow. At any rate, it is the most honest thing I’ve ever written, including this blog (though this blog is festering with anger, resentment, disappointment, and self-deprecation). All I ask is that your criticism be constructive and not demeaning. I am working on me the only way I know how and in a way unlike ever before.

Until Next Time,

Courtney Chivon