Let me start by saying that I have a job and I am grateful for that and I know there are people in worse positions than me. Now on to the rant...
Sometime around Thanksgiving I had a moment where I metaphorically took a look at my life and I thought, "how did I get here?" What I was really referring to was: how did I end up doing what I do for a living? You see, the rest of my life is in order and doing quite well but when it comes to work, let's just say, I'm not sure I remember seeing a fork in the road so this must have been the only path...right?
Some of you may know what I do but for those who don't, I'm a PCA for a local treatment center. What does that mean? It means that I am a direct caregiver in a residence for seven children who have autism. I enjoy my kids and when I'm dealing with just them, I don't have a problem being patient. The problem is with the other staff and paper pushers of the company, they push me to the point of insanity. When I started there I was excited, I was ready, and I thought, "this is a teaching home. It will be perfect for me as I move out of graduate school and back into the workforce." I was wrong. Even worse than being wrong, is feeling the dread of going to work each day and the hopelessness of finding my passion again.
I recently said to a co-worker, "It's like we're elephants in a circus and we're just working for our peanuts, beaten, taken advantage of, and slowly going insane but we stay because we love our peanuts."
When I was a full time employee with no degree behind me, I had highly autonomous positions in good companies and a lot of responsibility, freedom, experience, and money. Now, with two degrees, I feel like a glorified babysitter, working too many hours for too little pay, no benefits, and no room to grow. I went from being a peasant on paper to being a peasant in life. What makes things worse is that I can't even find other work. I'm either "over qualified" because I have a Master's degree or I lack certifications, public policy experience (which I do actually have through volunteer work, but that doesn't count), or I don't live in the right state. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like I wasted time and money getting two degrees when I had better luck getting a job before either degree existed in or on paper.
Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off starting my own business but then I think, would I hire me? Or would I say that I'm over qualified or lack certain business savvy?
With a deep sigh I know that part of my frustration comes from the fact that I'm not looking for a 'job' as much as I'm looking for the start of my real 'career,' and that makes things complicated. Sure I can apply to and probably be offered a position as an office manager or sales rep (presuming I leave off one of my degrees) but that isn't a career path for me and I'm tired of having jobs. I want the next thing I do to be something that I'm passionate about. I want to be somewhere I can thrive.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who would actually like to be in my shoes right now and I don't want it to seem as though I am completely ungrateful to be where I am but when you're not happy, not much else matters. So while I don't know what will come next and all my "plans" and ideas are falling to the wayside, all I really hope for is the chance to love what I do. I don't want to feel stunted any longer, it's past my time to grow.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
23 January 2012
11 January 2012
Chapter 27: 100 Days
Some of you may have seen the countdown on Facebook or Twitter. Status updates that simply read: x days. Well, for those who haven't figured it out on your own yet, today marks the 100 day countdown to the first anniversary of my 30th birthday. Why count down so far ahead? Because I don't make new year resolutions but the new year did mark the start of a couple other things, so, let's add health to the mix. Let me also fill you in:
While I was a student,working only one job, I still had time to take care of myself. I worked out, did yoga, ate right and for the most part, slept right. Then I became a grad student with two jobs and then a person with two jobs and then a person with a part time job but working over 100 hours every two weeks. Needless to say, I stopped working out, doing yoga, eating right, and even sleeping right. My work schedule has recently changed and I now have an opportunity to take back my health and that is exactly what I'm doing.
What does this have to do with my first anniversary?
I want to celebrate in a big way. I want to leave town, head for surf and sand and put on that cute little bikini that's been hiding for the past five years. I want my body and health to be back on track before I turn another year older. I want to put on a cute dress and heels and not feel self conscious. This isn't about losing weight, it's about being healthy and fit. I used to have a cute body and good skin and beautiful hair. I just want it all back.
So today I'm going to begin the 100 day challenge with myself. I don't weigh myself and won't for this either but I have taken measurements and photographs of day 100 and I'll monitor progress on a weekly basis. I'll update on a page of this blog with dietary changes and workout routines.
Wish me luck and let's enjoy the next 100 days!
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
While I was a student,working only one job, I still had time to take care of myself. I worked out, did yoga, ate right and for the most part, slept right. Then I became a grad student with two jobs and then a person with two jobs and then a person with a part time job but working over 100 hours every two weeks. Needless to say, I stopped working out, doing yoga, eating right, and even sleeping right. My work schedule has recently changed and I now have an opportunity to take back my health and that is exactly what I'm doing.
What does this have to do with my first anniversary?
I want to celebrate in a big way. I want to leave town, head for surf and sand and put on that cute little bikini that's been hiding for the past five years. I want my body and health to be back on track before I turn another year older. I want to put on a cute dress and heels and not feel self conscious. This isn't about losing weight, it's about being healthy and fit. I used to have a cute body and good skin and beautiful hair. I just want it all back.
So today I'm going to begin the 100 day challenge with myself. I don't weigh myself and won't for this either but I have taken measurements and photographs of day 100 and I'll monitor progress on a weekly basis. I'll update on a page of this blog with dietary changes and workout routines.
Wish me luck and let's enjoy the next 100 days!
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
01 January 2012
Chapter 26: Year in Review :: 2011
So I usually reflect on the past year and write something literary and meaningful but this year I think I'll count down my 11 most memorable moments and add 1 wish for the new year. So here we go:
11. Spending every single day @ the high school where I conducted interviews for my thesis even though I didn't need to be there everyday. For me, being there everyday provided extra insight. I was a researcher not just a grad student. I observed any and every thing I could. I knew the that high school in and out and that's all I needed in order to feel like this was 'research.'
10. My 30th birthday. Some part of me wanted to celebrate 30 in such a way that would be "larger than life," instead I spent a low key night out with friends. I spent my 30th with some of the most important people in my life since moving to SA. I wouldn't change any of it.
9. Being hired with the Autism Treatment Center. Although it has been a rough ride and I do need a change of pace now, having the chance to work in the home as a caregiver for 7 children with Autism has given me a new appreciation for life.
8. Maintaining a 4.0 GPA as a graduate student. Although it doesn't really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, my GPA says something about my devotion and/or commitment to doing something I love. I wish I could use it to land my ideal job!
7. Speaking of jobs...working with TLMP was as incredible learning experience, opportunity, and joy! Not only did it open doors for me, but I met so many wonderful people along the way. I am forever grateful for the time spent @ UTSA with the Read Malawi! team.
6. Spending the first three weeks of 2011 in Africa with people I respect and learn from daily. Africa is absolutely mind blowing. Although I haven't seen the entire continent, the locations that I have been lucky enough to visit have changed me. I have yet to see more beautiful sunsets, eat more wonderful food, and/or experience more humanity and genuine concern for another human than when I've been to Malawi.
5. My trip to El Paso in August. My friend base from EPT is unlike any other and I would be someone else if not for them. I'm glad to have been able to gather friends and enjoy company for dinner. I'm happy that dad and I had some time together, time that can't be shared with just anyone - and I'm tickled that dad didn't just let me shoot the AR-30, but that he wanted me to.
4. Completing, defending, and submitting my thesis. Although my defense was less 'traditional' than usual, it was still an unreal experience that I almost don't even remember. I know that I felt like I was sitting outside of myself and watching it all happen rather than experiencing it first hand. I remember that my committee gave me a hug, a kiss, and a high five. I remember thinking that I'd never felt the way I did that morning. Mostly, I remember crying when I wrote my dedication and acknowledgment page and as I walked away from the Graduate School the morning I turned in the hard copies.
3. Making time to see my friends at least once a month regardless of how busy or chaotic things are. Having monthly girl's nights have been imperative to my survival in San Antonio. There's nothing like spending a few hours talking, venting, laughing, and of course, drinking with your favorite people. When I feel off balance, I know I can call my friends and I'll be ok again. I hope they feel the same.
2. Bringing home my kitten, Strauss. I don't know what it was that made me decide to get a pet but I'm happy I did. She has been a source of entertainment, joy, comfort, and love. Sometimes she's a brat and I'm convinced she's more feral than domesticated but I wouldn't give her up for anything.
1. Commencement. Not only the ceremony, which in itself was a defining moment for me, but also that I had so much support and love on my side. My family and friends came from all over to celebrate with me and it was probably the most memorable weekend of the entire year. I can't thank everyone enough and I'm not even sure 'thank you' is enough but just know that I felt incredibly special. Thank You!
My wish for 2012: To start the next book, chapter, piece of this amazing life. I know I will continue finding the pieces that make me feel whole but I think I'll stop looking so hard. It seems I find the pieces when I least expect. Happy New Year to you and may it be wonderful.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
11. Spending every single day @ the high school where I conducted interviews for my thesis even though I didn't need to be there everyday. For me, being there everyday provided extra insight. I was a researcher not just a grad student. I observed any and every thing I could. I knew the that high school in and out and that's all I needed in order to feel like this was 'research.'
10. My 30th birthday. Some part of me wanted to celebrate 30 in such a way that would be "larger than life," instead I spent a low key night out with friends. I spent my 30th with some of the most important people in my life since moving to SA. I wouldn't change any of it.
9. Being hired with the Autism Treatment Center. Although it has been a rough ride and I do need a change of pace now, having the chance to work in the home as a caregiver for 7 children with Autism has given me a new appreciation for life.
8. Maintaining a 4.0 GPA as a graduate student. Although it doesn't really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, my GPA says something about my devotion and/or commitment to doing something I love. I wish I could use it to land my ideal job!
7. Speaking of jobs...working with TLMP was as incredible learning experience, opportunity, and joy! Not only did it open doors for me, but I met so many wonderful people along the way. I am forever grateful for the time spent @ UTSA with the Read Malawi! team.
6. Spending the first three weeks of 2011 in Africa with people I respect and learn from daily. Africa is absolutely mind blowing. Although I haven't seen the entire continent, the locations that I have been lucky enough to visit have changed me. I have yet to see more beautiful sunsets, eat more wonderful food, and/or experience more humanity and genuine concern for another human than when I've been to Malawi.
5. My trip to El Paso in August. My friend base from EPT is unlike any other and I would be someone else if not for them. I'm glad to have been able to gather friends and enjoy company for dinner. I'm happy that dad and I had some time together, time that can't be shared with just anyone - and I'm tickled that dad didn't just let me shoot the AR-30, but that he wanted me to.
4. Completing, defending, and submitting my thesis. Although my defense was less 'traditional' than usual, it was still an unreal experience that I almost don't even remember. I know that I felt like I was sitting outside of myself and watching it all happen rather than experiencing it first hand. I remember that my committee gave me a hug, a kiss, and a high five. I remember thinking that I'd never felt the way I did that morning. Mostly, I remember crying when I wrote my dedication and acknowledgment page and as I walked away from the Graduate School the morning I turned in the hard copies.
3. Making time to see my friends at least once a month regardless of how busy or chaotic things are. Having monthly girl's nights have been imperative to my survival in San Antonio. There's nothing like spending a few hours talking, venting, laughing, and of course, drinking with your favorite people. When I feel off balance, I know I can call my friends and I'll be ok again. I hope they feel the same.
2. Bringing home my kitten, Strauss. I don't know what it was that made me decide to get a pet but I'm happy I did. She has been a source of entertainment, joy, comfort, and love. Sometimes she's a brat and I'm convinced she's more feral than domesticated but I wouldn't give her up for anything.
1. Commencement. Not only the ceremony, which in itself was a defining moment for me, but also that I had so much support and love on my side. My family and friends came from all over to celebrate with me and it was probably the most memorable weekend of the entire year. I can't thank everyone enough and I'm not even sure 'thank you' is enough but just know that I felt incredibly special. Thank You!
My wish for 2012: To start the next book, chapter, piece of this amazing life. I know I will continue finding the pieces that make me feel whole but I think I'll stop looking so hard. It seems I find the pieces when I least expect. Happy New Year to you and may it be wonderful.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
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