Chapter 2: Another Year Older…YES! Another Year Wiser…Decision Pending.

Ah yes, another birthday celebration has come and gone. It began with dinner and a loaded birthday card from my parents on the 19th…a steady and continuous flow of phone calls, emails, and text messages on the 21st and a fancy schmanzy little get together on the 25th. It was a bittersweet celebration for several reasons.

For one, it represented both the quiet serenity that comes with getting older, which I do in fact enjoy (found with my parents) and the mix of warmth and laughter and slight chaos which I also greatly enjoy (found with my friends).

On the other hand, it reminds me of a difficult time, one which isn’t spoken of often and one in which I feel immense guilt. I can still remember coming home from class on my birthday, my uncle was in town, and we went with my mom to see my grandmother in the hospital. It was the last time I would see her, my last opportunity to say good-bye although I had so many opportunities to see her before that night. I don’t know if fear kept me away or denial or maybe some combination of both. I know it looked like another person was keeping me but the reality was that I had the choice and I chose to stay away. I remember holding her hand and telling her things I should have said when she was still aware. I remember telling her how jealous I was that she got to see my cousin get married and that she would never be there when I did. I remember telling her that she was the most beautiful woman I ever had the privilege of knowing and that if I could only be half of who she was, I would know that I was at least good. I remember wanting to believe in miracles and wanting to fully reinstate my faith in something bigger than myself. And I remember how I felt knowing she wasn’t coming home again. Like a lost child, I clung to all that I could for as long as I could but to this day have yet to acknowledge the headstone in which her name has been inscribed.

Two sides battle as I reconcile feelings. One part of me feels as though I have a duty to visit once before I leave, since there is no set time for my return. But part of me knows that it’s ridiculous to think that the only way I can continue remembering and loving her is to visit a headstone. She isn’t there after all, and the tradition of speaking her name hasn’t been lost so why does that urge to return persist? Is it guilt alone, for not visiting when I should have? Or is it bigger than that? Bigger than me? Maybe this isn’t about something I owe to her; maybe somehow, this is about what I owe to myself.

Additionally, I owe it to myself to take control and regain some aspect of my life, while celebrating with my friends was fantastic this past weekend; somewhere things went from great to just below great with no space in between. My necessary and functioning upchuck reflexes left little to be desired by the end of the night and this after promising myself those days were behind me. What I can’t seem to wrap my mind around is: why? I still don’t know why I did it and why I couldn’t stop. Maybe it served as a masque for everything but that is exactly what I want to avoid. Finding the strength in not letting it happen again; this will be my greatest test. But I’ve fought it once before, so I know I can fight it again.

So one final toast (luckily imaginary this time) to turning another year older bringing me closer to 30, which I’m strangely excited for and to the possibility of making me another year wiser, this of course is still to be determined. As my birthday marks a new year -> I can’t wait to see what’s in store!

Until next time,

Courtney Chivon

Chapter 1: Emotional Overload

I realize that The Newest Chapter could very easily be considered chapter one but why not make it the introduction? Doesn’t every book need an introduction? Well ok, maybe not, maybe introductions do seem unnecessary and overly verbose. (Overly verbose…is that redundant)? But I failed to take into account that I would need to start somewhere and I had, in essence, already done that but that was by no means the first chapter.

I have been going through and preparing for some drastic life changes and I’ve realized lately that the recognition of these changes has made me an emotional wreck. Let’s begin with things I’ve been anticipating: applying to and awaiting acceptance (or rejection) from Graduate School, my last birthday to be spent in El Paso with close friends, my significant other and an upcoming deployment, matriculation, all of these things to occur before the end of May!

On April 2nd I received official confirmation of my acceptance to Graduate School, so I can stop sweating that now right? Right? Maybe not so much, it seems I’m more obsessed with it now than ever and all of a sudden excitement turned into absolute fear! HOLY MOTHER! I’M GOING TO GRADUATE SCHOOL! That’s where I have to decide on a thesis right…and research…and write…and never eat, sleep, or use the restroom again! Should I even bother renting an apartment? Maybe I should just find a nice niche in the library and make that my permanent residence for the next two years (at least). The combination of being overjoyed by the news and being terrified of change has left my typically dry eyes slightly wet.

Why would my birthday be cause for emotional overload, you ask? Well, because it is the last one I will spend in El Paso (at least for a good while) and it will be with my closest friends (as it usually is). It has just dawned on me that these people, whom I’ve turned to a countless number of times over the past couple of years, will not be in San Antonio with me. It is almost as if I planned on them packing up their things and coming along, but not that I would ever being waving good-bye from the back seat of the car, like the idealistic girl with high expectations and no clue about what lies just around the corner. I have been lucky enough to be found by such amazing people, especially at a time when I couldn’t find myself. I can honestly say that I don’t know how I would have survived the past two years if not for those I call my friends. So, to answer your question, thinking about being with everybody and enjoying each moment as we always do has again resulted in an involuntary release of salt water from my dry and desolate eyes.

Speaking of friends, those who got me through some tough times are also seeing some major changes when it comes to the next topic - my love life. Yes, I have one – again. I know, I said I wasn’t going to find anyone in this little, west Texas town and I was convinced that love may not exist at all in this world, at least not for me, not in the form of two people finding solace in each other but, I was wrong. I have been lucky enough to come to an intersection along my journey where I can sit a while and just be. It hasn’t taken long for me to see myself reflected in his eyes and to become completely enraptured by the mere thought of us, yet when we are together I lose all sense of time and space and when we are apart my body aches. There is a longing for him that I’ve never felt before, I more than miss him everyday and my affection grows faster than I can keep up with, it is this whirlwind of emotion and fear. I can barley stand a day without his voice or touch, what happens when I have to withstand a year? No, I don’t question my ability to do it, I just wonder how long it will take before my aching body becomes numb, wouldn’t it be easier if I just couldn’t feel? That brings me to emotional overload: the anxiety and stress is starting to take its toll, the days are getting shorter and the aching in my body is turning into an aching in my soul. I wouldn’t change it though; I wouldn’t take any of it back. My eyes have swelled and tears have fallen, hopeful and childlike emotion runs down my face. I chose you my love, for a reason and with no expectations for tomorrow - yet now it seems we live in a constant state of tomorrows, but I’ll stay there for as long as you’ll have me.

As if all of the above wasn’t quite enough, let us finish this crazy roller coaster with my upcoming graduation. After seven years in the workforce, I finally decided to go back to school full time and finish my degree. WOW! Has that been a 10 ticket thrill ride! I’ve never felt so absolutely insane and vindicated at the same time, but what a sense of accomplishment! While I never really doubted my ability to do something, there were times when I was so overwhelmed that I thought for sure, this is going to be the death of me, this is where I won’t succeed, wrong again! I must love how it feels though because I’m about to put myself through it all over again. Just keep winning tickets, I want to stay on this ride for a while. The tears this time are those of joy and disbelief, like nervous laughter, I just don’t know where they came from.

Yes, more lies ahead, more fear and apprehension beyond graduation day but for now, my emotions run this course. Bear with me as I oscillate through waves of emotion. Usually I’ll deal with multiple issues in small sets, but never in a back to back surge of activity that leaves me breathless and exhilarated at the same time.

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon

Introductions!!

Yes! I've broken down and finally created a blog here on blogspot (which also means I've finally broken down and created a gmail acct).

Reasons for starting this new blog are as follows:
1 - I'm detesting myspace and facebook more and more everyday but would like to have a way to keep people informed especially with all the changes coming up...
2 - hmm...there really is no #2.

So welcome to my blog, aptly titled Great Books have Great Chapters because our lives are like sagas, one book following the next, but if the first chapter doesn't reel you in, you won't bother reading the rest. Every new adventure or great change marks a new chapter and sometimes even a new book and yours truly is about to begin both.

In May I will finally receive my undergraduate degree, after years of one class semesters and working full time, I finally made a decision to go back in Fall of 2007 and have been hitting the books hard ever since. Who knew that I would be on a path to continue my education but as fate would have it, I am! In August I will begin coursework on my Master's in San Antonio! I am excited for the change and eagerly awaiting the day that my life takes on new meaning. I'll be adding blogs as often as I can and will occassionally include a random photo or two. In the meantime, I should probably do work I'm supposed to be doing rather than creating this blog ;)

Until next time,
Courtney Chivon