Item 30: 2011
By 30 you should know why they say life begins at 30! ~ 9 Sept 2012
I think I'll leave this one alone. I invite my female readers to think about your lives and this list. To my male readers, think about the women in your lives and their list. To both, it might help you understand a little more...a little better.
Item 29: I'm Sorry, So Sorry...Wait, No I'm Not
By 30 you should know not to apologize for something that isn't your fault. ~ 8 Sept 2012
This is an easy one for me but I have several friends who have a hard time with this. I grew out of this early because I was hurt by it (again...my childhood is over). For my friends who still have a difficult time with this concept all I can say is this: the only person whose behavior, thoughts, emotions you can control and change are your own.
I got past this because I refused to let others dictate my mood, truly and whole-heartedly I refused to let it affect me and it's because I stopped caring about who I lost in my life. You can see now why it's easy for me to live alone or do things on my own...I know how to let people go, especially those who don't belong. But for some this isn't an easy task and may not be possible at all. In cases like that I can only offer the above advice and a note to think about who you are and what you deserve, as a person. Maybe you'll never have a breaking point like I did but you can still remind yourself that you're deserving of goodness. I hope it helps you on your journey.
Item 28: Circle of Trust
By 30 you should know who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally. ~ 7 Sept 2012
I think I do but I admit that I have trust issues, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Even though I try to purge my past and live solely in the present, some things are hard to erase. Some things are hard to change. Some things are hard to move away from and trust is one of them. I have trust issues with people in general but they're exacerbated with people who I engage in some type of romantic activity.
I have worked and and am still working on not taking things personally. I do think that I've gotten better at it but sometimes it requires personal affirmations to remind myself that some things aren't personal. <-- that was kind of a mouthful.
I've become better at weeding people out but I have to do it in a way that earns trust rather than a way that loses it. When I meet someone s/he has to prove to me that s/he can be trusted. For most people, new relationships come with trust that can either be maintained or abused and lost. I've been too badly tortured through free trust to not make a person earn it. In all fairness though, I don't expect to be trusted without having to earn it myself.
Additionally, I think friendships can change and trust in friendships can change and it doesn't have to come from anything negative. I've had it happen recently and my circle of trust has gotten considerably smaller because of it. It has nothing to do with anything anyone did or said but the natural changing of relationships. When you don't engage with people over a period of time, your relationship changes and with it, so does the trust.
Item 27: Cleaning Up Bad Habits
By 30 you should know that nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. ~ 6 Sept 2012
Including yourself! I'm constantly amused by those in their 30s or older who still live and act like they're in their first year of college. Do you not know how to grow old gracefully? Please be a grown-up. Thank you.
I will admit though that I don't floss every day...sometimes I get tired of its tediousness. I only drink on the weekends and that usually means only Fri/Sat, and smoking and drugs don't apply to my situation. Note to self: floss daily.
Item 26: Pretty Woman Crossed Some Boundaries, Right?
By 30 you should know what you would and wouldn't do for money and love. ~ 5 Sept 2012
Do I Ever! This is easy and I don't really feel as though it needs much attention except to say this: what I would and wouldn't do for love AND money are the EXACT SAME THINGS! Women! Please do not think that it's ok to prostitute yourself for Love...it isn't. If there is anything you wouldn't do for money, you shouldn't be doing it for love either. In my decade plus as an adult I've seen too many women get confused over love and too many men abuse women's confusion. STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! You're adults. You're better than that.
I'm sorry...I got a little rant-y there. All I'm saying is that there is no difference between money and love in terms of personal standards. Just remember that.
Item 25: I Was a Child, Once
By 30 you should know that your childhood may not have been perfect but it's over. ~ 4 Sept 2012
Amen to that and thank GOD! Before you start jumping to conclusions, especially after yesterday's post about my parents, let me make one thing very, very clear...most of my childhood heartaches were caused by peers not family...although, some family contributions had an affect.
The part of my childhood that I wish to void from my memory concerns all the fake friends that I had and the people who were not my friends yet still found it necessary to treat me like crap despite not really knowing me. I think I may have mentioned something about this in a former topic but my childhood was wrought with disappointment when it came to personal relationships with other people. It wasn't until high school that some of that started changing and post high school that I really starting coming into my own.
It is over though and I have learned from it and grown from it. I don't begrudge the people from my past, I don't wish bad things upon them or their houses, I don't really care anymore. I know who I am, where I stand, and those who stand with me. What more do I need?
Item 24: I'm Tall, I'm Hippy, and They're Former Hippies
By 30 you should know that you can't change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. ~ 3 Sept 2012
It's true, I can't change the length of my legs or the width of my hips but I can change the amount of fat found on my legs and hips...that's probably something else entirely though. The truth is, I love my height and my baby-bearing hips. Done.
As for the nature of my parents...I know I can't change that either but I'm still a work in progress when it comes to dealing with their nature(s) - individually and as a couple. I do think that I've gotten better at accepting our differences, as people, behaviorally but there are times when I can't help but react to things in ways that later leave me regretting my reaction. It doesn't help that I don't have a sibling to turn to and talk about mom and dad. Instead I have to let things fester and brew within and then hope that I can deal with it and them (my parents) later.
My parents have done a lot for me and have helped me when I needed it so I don't want this to sound like I'm ungrateful despite my inability to always be civil around/with them. It is about understanding their nature and perhaps about them understanding mine, which they probably don't do very well but I can't change them. I can only change me and my behavior with them. Like I said, it's a work in progress.
Item 23: Ready or Not, Here I Come
By 30 you should know where to go - be it your best friend's table or a yoga mat - when your soul needs soothing. ~ 2 Sept 2012
I think before knowing where to go, by 30 you should know how to recognize WHEN your soul needs soothing. I learned it by realizing how I felt when I did certain things and then doing those things when I felt down, trapped, stressed, etc. I like to escape - physically, mentally, emotionally...well, not fully emotionally. I know where to go and/or who to go to when my soul needs soothing in particular ways. The same escape doesn't work for every ailment.
Discovering where to go, in my opinion, is less difficult than discovering when and why your soul needs soothing. If you don't address the root of the problem, where you go won't matter for long.
Item 22: You Know That Part in Risky Business...
By 30 you should know how to live alone even if you don't like to. ~ 1 Sept 2012
CHECK! And I LOVE IT! Don't get me wrong...I love my Beta and though we had some trying times as roomies, I'm still grateful to her in my life. I love my sister and appreciate that she has opened her doors to me during my transition. But I love, Love, LOVE living on my own. There are so many small pleasures that a person isn't able to indulge in when said person lives with a flatmate...or a mate in general. A partner may not know of some of the small pleasures..I'm just sayin'.
Living alone is also such a wonderful testament to doing things for self. I've fixed things in my apartments, changed things in my apartments, built furniture in my apartments, whatever...I do it. Only when DIY doesn't work do I call maintenance or a friend. Some of my coworkers at TLMP would call me McGyver because I always found ways - even when I crafted them - to make things work...On.My.Own.
I think part of my love of living alone comes from being an only child but I also think a great deal of it comes from not being co-dependent and I'm sorry but I love that about myself. I love that I don't feel the need to have another person in my life but instead I can enjoy those who are in my life. Need tends to result in poor selection, be it through friendships or partnerships, the need for another person weakens the selective filter. In fact, I would encourage people who don't like to live alone to do it. Do it and learn something about yourself. Do it and practice restraint and discipline. Do it and host parties to old and new friends. Do it and decorate it however you see fit. Do it and dance around your entire space in your birthday suit. You'll see...living alone is wonderful.
Item 21: It's About Who You Know
By 30 you should know the names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town. ~ 31 Aug 2012
I didn't know the Colorado Secretary of State prior to about two seconds ago, I had to look him up. I can't say I pay that much attention to all government offices...in fact, I pay attention to very few.
I don't know the names of my great-grandmothers because I never met them (that I'm aware of) nor were they ever talked about in my presence. I'm not even sure I've seen pictures of them. I know my dad's grandparents' last name but that's all, and only from the maternal side of his family. The family tree isn't something we discuss often or with many fond memories. If I had to do an assignment about my family history, I'd probably fail or have to ask the teacher for an alternative assignment...one that doesn't require digging into the skeletal remains of a life less than extraordinary. In some ways I wish I knew more about where I come from but in many ways I care only about the present and less about the past and future.
As far as a tailor...my mom used to have a seamstress that she took all of our clothes to but I myself do not have the name of either a seamstress or a tailor. Instead, I make alterations to clothes myself. Why? Because I can. Isn't it better to have the skill to sew and fix your own garments than to have the number of someone else with the skill? Just a thought.
Perhaps by 30 what you should know is: the names of government officials who matter to your daily life (i.e. Arne Duncan, Sec. of Education); who you are regardless of who is part of your past; and how to sew a basic stitch to fix the hem of your simple black dress.
Item 20: A Kiss is Still a Kiss
By 30 you should know how to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next. ~ 30 Aug 2012
Honestly not the easiest thing from a self-proclaimed kissing slut. I've been known to abuse privileges when it comes to my lips. Recently I've been far more conservative and protective when it comes to whose lips my lips touch but in the past...
I'd like to think that by now I can communicate not only what I would like to happen next but to what degree as well. Neediness, I'm talking about neediness, or desire. Wait, yes, I prefer the word: desire.
While I've never communicated mixed messages and left members of the opposite gender wondering WTF happened...I have been known to kiss and run...it's a trait I only like to look back on and laugh at but not so much repeat and in all fairness, I've not had a repeat offense since 2009.
I agree with the statement, however, that any self-respecting woman should know and is able to convey exactly what she expects through a single kiss. I think we need to add something though, women should also know how to communicate - through words - their expectations. Too often I hear a woman say something suggestive and then get upset when the guy she dates wants sex and she wants to be taken seriously. Perhaps you shouldn't have used language that conveys sexual interests...just a thought.
Ultimately what it comes down to is having enough respect for self to be able to control what you do and say so as NOT to send the wrong message or end up with the wrong person on the other side of a lip lock.
Item 19: To Thine Own Self Be True
By 30 you should know when to try harder and when to walk away. ~29 Aug 2012
Again, a litany of questions and thoughts arise with this statement until given a little more thought and then it becomes quite simple.
At first a bunch of 'what ifs' pop into my head as I have been in this very predicament more than once - romantic and not so. But you have to ignore the what ifs because the what ifs are usually - I'd even be willing to bet always - about/from the other person involved. But this isn't about the other person, it's about YOU (or well, in this case, ME).
Too often I have thought that the other person would change but the truth is that people don't change, no matter what is in front of them. And why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Or want the same things in life?
The key to this statement is really that by 30 you should know yourself well enough to know when it's up to you to try harder or up to you to walk away from a situation that is never going to change - ever. Neither instance is dependent on or related to the other person's desires/actions/or needs. Know yourself to know what you need.
Item 18: Dignity
By 30 you should know how to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. ~ 28 Aug 2012
Check. Check. Kind of check...maybe...sort of...I'm not sure.
Quitting a job is easy. I write a letter of resignation - always professional saving any personal issues or feedback for the exit interview. Then if not offered, I request and expect, an exit interview. Again, I conduct myself professionally even when describing the faults in company relations. The job thing was never difficult for me to understand...must be in my nature.
Breaking up with a man...when I do this, I'll let you know. This isn't just because I'm more a dumpee but also because I've yet to be with a man who's man enough to be A MAN! That sounds bitter doesn't it? Well, maybe I am. Maybe I feel jipped that I end up with the boys of the dating game...but then maybe that's why I've resigned to being alone for a while.
Now, about confronting a friend without ruining the friendship....well...this depends on the nature of the confrontation. For instance, am I confronting a friend about the way s/he did/said something that hurt my feelings or am I confronting a friend about her/his life choices? If I'm confronting someone about something personal to me then I don't have a problem articulating my argument and so far, friendships haven't been ruined. However, if a friend and I don't see eye to eye on something, even when said friend is coming to me for advice, I have to play my cards in very deliberate ways so as NOT to ruin a friendship. In the end that just leaves me questioning the friendship altogether and then that just leads to a slew of additional thoughts and questions. In short, can I confront a friend without ruining the friendship...well, if the friend is willing to hear things out, yes. If not, no. So what is friendship at age 30? Something to think about...
Item 17: Babies, Babies, Babies
By 30 you should know how you feel about having kids. ~ 27 Aug 2012
This is an interesting one...especially for people who are in the know about my move to Colorado.
While I'm not going to delve into THAT explanation I am going to say this: I've come to believe that knowing how you feel about having kids is NOT something you have to know by any age and is NOT something that will remain constant. I didn't use to feel this way but now I do. Here's why...
Again, while in Italy, I learned some things about myself, affirmed some personal desires. One of those desires is travel and honestly, the thought of traveling with a small child makes me cringe. I felt sad for tourist parents pushing strollers or dealing with their young children...even if they didn't have any issues with their lifestyle, all I could think was - I do believe I'm having a better time without the ropes of parenthood. I mean, high-fives to them for putting up with all that crap, but for me - I NEVER want to deal with it. Does that mean that I don't ever want kids? Well, no. But do I want them RIGHTNOW...no...not anymore. I did. A couple of years ago I knew that I wanted my first child by the time I turned 35...today that seems too soon.
Also, I've been with partners with whom I couldn't quite imagine having children. let me clarify, I've been with partners whose company I've enjoyed, just the two of us, and thought that having a child would, for lack of a better phrase - ruin it. For example, with JF I knew we could have a family, we were even talking about trying, but with CT - at least at first - it was always so difficult for me to see it, but I didn't mind it either. In either scenario I was content. I never felt like I would have to compromise my desires for the other person. It was never a difference of opinion, until it was with CT but well, that relationship ended anyway.
My point, I think, is that I don't have a firm plan when it comes to being a mother. What I do know is that when I find another person with whom I want to share life, he and I will decide what is best for us. Neither one of us will have to compromise our desires, feel pressured, or decide to get out of the relationship because we aren't in the same place. I'll know what I want, he'll know what he wants, and together we'll know what we want.
Item 16: Me, You, Us
By 30 you should know how to fall in love without losing yourself. ~ 26 Aug 2012
I admit, this is a hard one for me. You wouldn't think so with how independent I can be but the trend is there, when I fall in love with them, I give up on me. After CT I decided I would take a nice long hiatus from dating and being part of a romantic relationship and one of the reasons was this one. Every break-up is more difficult than it should be and it's because I've lost myself somewhere in the midst of the date nights and lazy Sundays. It doesn't have to happen in a committed relationship either, it's happened with guys I've dated. My history is this: I've always been someone's someone...but I've rarely ever been me.
I fully learned this and other things about myself while I was in Italy. Now, single, I'm trying to figure out who I could be in a relationship and wonder if that version of me will survive. While I'm not closing myself off to the possibility of a partner, I'm not actively searching for one either. To be honest, I don't think I'm ready for that yet...I don't think I've been with myself enough yet to prevent getting lost again. It's a weakness for me and I'm not entirely sure how I'll work on it. My tactic for now is to plant myself solidly inside my life, learn as much about myself as possible, have a clear plan for my future, and cross my fingers.
Item 15: Some Things Just Aren't So.
By 30 you should have a solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. ~ 25 Aug 2012
Again I feel as though these topics have already been covered in previous items but I'll briefly address these 'facets.'
1 - I don't necessarily want a satisfying career nor do I think I should HAVE to want that. I don't believe any woman should HAVE to have a solid start. If you're nomadic, like me, then a solid start would be too much of an anchor. Instead, by 30 I'm happy to have two degrees under my belt and a satisfying job in my field. A job that, while I am committed to it, doesn't necessarily require my lifelong commitment. Even if I do choose to teach full-time, I would still be in a position with all the right amounts of time off. That said, a solid start to a satisfying career is still not a top priority.
2 - Really? This is 2012, are we still following the script for romantic relationships? Of course, I am assuming that's what's meant by this facet, as I'm sure most anyone reading that statement would. No, I'm not in a satisfying relationship, at least, not a romantic one. But do I really have to be? I'm not sad about it. I don't feel lonely. I don't feel lost or scared without a partner. I'm capable of taking care of myself and doing things on my own so I shouldn't HAVE to be in a satisfying relationship. I'm not saying that I've closed myself off to the idea but I am saying that I disagree that women should be in that place by 30. That's an antiquated societal rule, not an empowered woman of the new millennium rule. I don't abide by it and I never will.
3 - As stated yesterday, I have no reason to believe that there are facets of life that get worse after 30. In my eyes, life only gets better.
Item 14: Daily Minutia
By 30 you should have a skin care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30. ~ 24 Aug 2012
Now I have to face the thing I've neglected for just over one whole year...routines for keeping my mind, body, and soul in balance. You wouldn't believe me if I told you now but I do in fact have a skin care regimen and an exercise routine...at least, I did. I will again soon but I admit that it doesn't feel soon enough. And while I could have started again in May, the truth is that it's always so hard to get back into it and it would seem as though I'm just making excuses for NOT doing it. The truth is that I'm looking forward to starting again, to getting back into a routine that I enjoy and that makes me feel good. One that I used to have seven years ago with regular exercise, healthy eating, and yes, skin care.
The part of this statement that is most troubling is the "plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30." Part of my problem is that I don't know what those facets are so creating a "plan" for them isn't exactly easy. The other issue I have is a question, who says things don't get better after 30? I, for one, was eager to meet my 30s and I have no reason to believe that the time "after my 30s" will be bad. Now that I've reached a point in my life where I'm finally, really starting to come into my own, I have no reason to believe that things will get worse. Yes, I'll age. Yes, my body will change. Yes, my brain will change. Yes, I get the aging process. No, I don't think you have to plan for things that don't get better...if anything, I'm going to make a plan for all the ways things will get better after 30.
Item 13: Belief, Not Shame
By 30 you should have the belief that you deserve it. ~23 Aug 2012
This almost feels like a repeat of yesterday's item so I'll only speak briefly. I feel as though women have a hard time with the concept of doing for themselves. It could be, in part, due to traditions of marriage and family. Somehow those elements lead to women losing themselves. But in contemporary society, marriage and family isn't as high a priority for some women, YET I do still believe that women tend to forget that they are deserving.
What is it that prevents (us) women from believing that we can, more importantly, should have something - anything, praise, love, companionship, a drink after work everyday, whatever!
A certain level of empowerment comes with believing in myself and believing that I am deserving and I think the same is true for all women. So start, ladies! Give yourselves daily affirmations if you have to. Don't be afraid or ashamed of what someone else might think of you when you start truly loving yourself. In fact, if you're faced with negativity, pass on the information that it's ok to believe in who you are and believe that you're deserving. You never know, it might change someone else's life. And if it doesn't, that's not your problem to solve, just keep solving the pieces to your own puzzle.
Item 12: Black and White Diamonds!
By 30 you should have something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. ~ 22 Aug 2012
When I returned from Italy I decided to purchase a ring that I'd been eyeballing since last December. It's a gorgeous band of black and white diamonds set in 14k white gold. I bought it as a Graduation-Christmas-New Year-Valentine-Easter-Bday-Moving present to myself. Mostly I bought it because I wanted it, because I could, and because I did in fact deserve to treat myself to something expensive. Although, technically, I did that with my trip to Italy...that was JUST for me, this ring is for me and anyone who sees it.
Don't misunderstand. The point isn't to show off, the point is to demonstrate exactly what this statement suggests, that I bought something amazing for myself because I deserved it, and you should too! There isn't anything wrong with doing it, ladies. In fact, who can better provide things you'll love than YOU?
The point of this statement isn't to make a name for yourself as a material-ist but to demonstrate that YOU have no shame in rewarding yourself when you deserve it. You're not always going to get it from other people and you shouldn't only need it from other people. I feel like that's the whole point. Strength from within is demonstrated in different ways, mine is a ring.
Item 11: Thanks, Dad! Oh, Wait, Not For the Bra.
By 30 you should have a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. ~ 21 Aug 2012
Check. Sort of check. And check.
Dad bought me a set of screwdrivers when he learned that I was using my butter knife to do things in my first apartment. However, he taught me about screwdrivers when I was barely able to hold them...yep...daughter of a carpenter is awesome. In fact, I have a couple of sets of screwdrivers now, thanks, dad.
I can sort of check the cordless drill because ... again ... dad. So I don't own one or have one in my possession but dad does. He has a couple. So if I ever needed one, I could call on him. Also, again, he showed me how to use one when I was a tot so I'm always ready to go. So far I haven't needed a cordless drill but I'm sure one day I'll have a project or something that will require it's use and when that day comes...I'll call dad, not so he can do the job but so I can borrow his drill.
My favorite item on this list...the black lace bra. Yes, ladies, it's imperative. You need a black lace bra. Red lace was for your twenties, black lace is for your thirties. It's seductive, classic, elegant, and makes your bosoms blossom! Now, the black lace bra can come in a variety of styles and really, it's up to your taste and comfort when deciding what kind to buy but the more classic a piece it is, the better. And you'd be surprised by how little attention is given to your bra by the person you're about to be intimate with...so style and design is entirely yours. It's meant to make YOU feel good, to make YOU feel comfortable, to make YOU feel sensual...not the other person! That's a fallacy the people at lingerie stores like to tell you so that you'll buy something else. Don't fall for it. Lingerie is for YOU and nobody else! Own it ladies, once you shift that perspective it'll change your world. I promise!
Item 10: Circle of Friends
By 30 you should have one friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. ~ 20 Aug 2012
Friends. Wow. What a concept. What a topic of discussion lately. Since this statement is describing two specific types of friends, I'll keep other comments to myself. And yes, this is about having two friends who fit the roles above. Why not one friend? Couldn't a single person be both of those people? Well, yes, and in some circles there is a single friend who fills both job descriptions BUT I do feel that it's important for different people to fill different roles. Here's why:
Sometimes you just need more than one person.
Simple, right? Now, do I think that there is ONLY one person who can do each thing? NO! Of course not. I don't categorize my friends in that way and I'm not sure I ever have or ever will meet anyone who does. I think the point is that by 30 you should have filtered through your friendships and found people who are lasting and people who can fulfill the roles mentioned above. People who are comfortable, sincere, honest (even if you don't like what they have to say), helpful, and over the bullshit!
So...can I check these off my list? Only half. I have several friends who I can turn to when I need a laugh. In fact, most of my friends know exactly what to do or say to get me smile, to laugh, to forget the things that weigh me down. I am so grateful for those people, being able to make someone laugh isn't always easy so knowing when and how to do it is truly a skill. Also, it demonstrates a certain level of understanding in a relationship, like a social filter, they know what and when something is acceptable.
Having mentioned that I have friends who always make me laugh, you can guess which half of this equation is still missing. By no fault of my friends, I don't have any that let me cry because I won't cry with my friends. It's all me. I'm not sure exactly what it is but when I get emotional, I prefer to do that alone. There may have only been one time that I cried with a friend and even then, I think it was over the phone. Maybe that counts for something but mostly I have to say that crying to/in front of/with friends is just not something I am comfortable with doing.
Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned there, that by 30 you should be comfortable with crying to a friend when needed. I just find it a very private and personal thing to do and I don't seek people out when I do it. I am open to and have been the friend that others have come to when they needed to cry. I'm comfortable with that, I don't feel weird because of it. It's just the other way around, I can't do it. Not yet. Maybe never. And I'm ok with that. Knowing that there are people that I can turn to before and after I cry is more than enough for me.
In short...friendships are important, whatever guise they come under; true, honest, fulfilling, enjoyable friendships. Anything less just isn't enough.
Item 9: Domestic Engineer
By 30 you should have a resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. ~ 19 Aug 2012
A subject very, VERY close to me as I've done nothing over the past year except apply to jobs. That said, I am happy and proud that I don't have to pad my resume, cover letter, or CV. In fact, I've had to consider paring down my resume.
Since I graduated last August I've been job hunting. Job hunting in San Antonio and Denver mostly but considering a few other cities as well. I kept changing my cover letter (finally found a formula for that one) and my resume because I wasn't getting phone calls and I was sure it had to do with aesthetics or language. Recently I had something of an I'm-so-over-this moment and wrote a cover letter that most people have never seen. My new employers loved it!
In terms of the resume and what I mentioned about paring it down...I was beginning to thing that for some positions, my degrees were actually a hindrance. I was even told by several people and friends to leave my MA off my resume and in some cases maybe even my BA. I thought about it, considered doing it, then said, "NO! I worked hard for those and I paid a lot of money for those! I am not leaving them off my resume!" And again, my current employers are thrilled that I have two degrees.
Considering everything above and my current success in finding a job that I'm already starting to love, I want to talk about my concerns for this statement.
1 - I disagree that by 30 a person should be settling into a career. I would have agreed with the statement a year ago when I spent all my job search time looking for something that would last a while. When I went to Italy I realized some other dreams of mine and decided that if a long-term career happened, I would be fine with that, but I would also be just as fine with being a job nomad. The caveat to wandering from position to position (possibly even city to city/state to state/country to country) is that I have to remain inside my field. So far, so good. If a woman is career focused then certainly by 30 I would think she would be well on her way to settlement. I, am no longer concerned with finding a lifelong career. Remember I said earlier that I'm not searching for retirement, I'm aiming to LIVE my life NOW.
2 - Padding! This is a bit of a grey area to be honest. I say this because padding can work a couple of ways. A - Direct lies such as: claiming to have done things you didn't do, changing your titles, making up jobs (i.e. Domestic Engineer for stay at home wife and mom). But it's also padding when you, B - change language to up the "sophistication" or previous employment. This is different from the direct lies because you aren't changing any of your actual job titles or tasks, you aren't making up jobs, but you are making them sound more...interesting, or sometimes specific. To be honest, I don't mind this kind of padding as long as the person doing it is being completely honest. This padding is common on resumes that display tasks but that kind of resume isn't even necessary. I haven't had a resume like that in quite a while and the reason is because most people don't look at them. You're going to get an interview because your cover letter is interesting or you list of jobs and skills stand out. Anyway all of the tasks you want to put on your resume should be talked about in your cover letter. Between the two documents, you should have complete packet, one complementing the other not duplicating each other.
I think I've harped on this topic long enough. Ultimately I think the resume needs the cover letter (as do most companies or organizations), they should balance and complete each other, they should be honest, and they should feel good to you. AND if you're not career focused then don't feel like you have to be just because the script says so...make your own path.
Item 8: Sharing Is NOT Caring
By 30 you should have an email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account - all of which nobody has access to but you. ~ 18 August 2012
Ok...wow...where to begin.
First of all, check, check, and check. My email has never been accessible by anyone, even as a teenager. Thank you, mom & dad, for trusting me. Speaking of trust...well, we'll come back to that.
My personal voice mailbox has also never been accessible by anyone and I've never asked anyone to check it for me (like while I was driving or something). Not that there was ever anything there for someone to discover, still, it's mine - not anybody else's.
Finally, a bank account, something I've had since I was 19. I opened my own checking and savings accounts at a bank that my parents don't go to and with few exceptions, I have been the only person to make transactions. The few exceptions have been the times I needed my mom to make a deposit for me because I was 1 - out of town, 2 - out of country, or 3 - lived elsewhere. She can't do anything else with my account and she doesn't have my actual account number so I don't quite count this as a violation of the opening statement. BUT, like the email, there's an issue that needs to be discussed here too.
I'll start with email. I've never given out my information regarding emails. I have had an ex give me his information. I had no need or desire for it until he cheated on me. Then, during our 'rebuilding' time, I sensed that something was happening behind the scenes, so I logged onto his account. It was the first and last time I ever did it. Plus it confirmed what I thought and I ended our relationship - no take backs. Do I like that I had his info? Not particularly and I never used it before that one night. In retrospect, I'm glad I did it. He was going to come home from a deployment and then see her and I would have been the fool all over again. I HATE BEING THE FOOL! I guess my point is that I agree emails should be private and the moment trust is removed from any relationship, the relationship needs to end.
Onto the bank account! Again, this has to do with being in a romantic relationship. When JF and I were discussing marriage - so long ago - I mentioned that I refused to have a joint bank account OR that it was allowed as long as we kept separate accounts for ourselves too. He didn't understand what I meant or how we could be married and not have joint accounts. After hours of fighting rather than discussing the subject we agreed to disagree. I still don't believe in a single-joint account. I've seen it cause too many problems for people. Also, I don't find it necessary. If you're in a true partnership, balanced and equal, there isn't a need for a joint account. You can trust that both parties are going to do their share and provide what is needed. If you don't have that trust, you either didn't wait long enough or you're desperate not to be alone. Either way, joint accounts went out with June Cleaver. I suppose that's just it, if you're following a traditional model of "one works, the other stays home" then maybe a joint account is fine because the one staying home wouldn't have any money if it weren't for the partner. I don't ascribe to that model and I never have. SO - his and mine, please.
In short, I can check off all of the above - winning!
Item 7: The Golden Years
By 30 you should have the realization that you're actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it. ~ 17 Aug 2012
Realizing that I'm going to have an old age...has it come to this?
I suppose I realize that at some point I'll be 'old' but I'm not even sure what that means. Like 'youth' I don't know what the line of demarcation is for 'old.' Is that over 50? Over 60? Over 90? What about the people who are in their 80s and vigorously play tennis every day, are they old? I would say, no. For the purpose of writing, I'm going to assume that old is referring to 'of retirement age' or 'post-retirement.'
Having said that, I don't ever intend to have a job from which I can retire. By that I mean that I don't intend to stay put in any one place long enough to acquire retirement. So I guess, I've come to realize that there will be a point in my life when I'll probably become too tired to move or travel and when that happens I'll be content living in some senior community in Florida. Maybe I'll meet a nice man there.
In the meantime, I am always putting money aside. Mostly it's used for travel, well, now anyway. There will still be money set aside when I live in Florida, not that I'll need it much, but my life NOW is used to do all the things most people have to wait to do.
I travel NOW. I live freely NOW. I do what I want and when I want to NOW. These are the reasons I don't need to work toward 'retirement.' I'm retired already. Working to get myself to the next adventure. Living to retell great stories later. Loving in the moment.
Old age...it's just a theory.
Item 6: It's All in Your Head
By 30 you should have a past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age. ~ 16 Aug 2012
I'm not sure my past is necessarily 'juicy' but I am glad to have PLENTY of hilarious stories that I can share with wide-eyed youngsters.
To me, 'juicy' implies some amount of scandal and I don't have many scandalous stories, but there are a few. They're also stories I don't think I would share unless somebody else's similar situation called for it, almost like a warning.
Instead most of my past, at least my adult past, is filled with stories of drunken hilarity. All rules followed, laws obeyed, and nonsensical tales of what happens when you combine alcohol, good friends, and late nights...and sometimes, football games.
If you ever want to hear any of the stories, contact me and I may be inclined to share, but for now, I leave these parting words:
Never have sexual relations with co-workers, never drink more than your body weight (in ozs), always try to throw up after drinking - makes the hangover more bearable, never tell Border Patrol agents that there are Mexicans in the trunk, never run around kissing strangers...well, maybe sometimes it's ok, and most all, always surround yourself with real friends - they make for better nights and at least you know you can trust them.
Item 5: The Wonder Years
By 30 you should have a youth you're content to move beyond. ~ 15 Aug 2012
[sigh]
[...]
[birds singing]
[sigh]
[youtube videos]
[...]
[sigh]
[crickets chirping]
[sigh]
There are a couple of issues with this statement.
First, what age range defines youth? I mean, last year I was a year younger than I am now...is that part of my youth? Do my years in elementary school comprise my youth? Did my youth end when I turned 18, or 21, or 25? WHAT IS YOUTH?
According to Wikipedia youth is "the time of life between childhood and adulthood." While Dictionary.com defines youth as "the condition of being young," "appearance, [...] vigor, spirit, [...] of one who is young," "early life," "adolescence," and/or "first or early part of anything."
For the sake of writing, I'm going to accept that my youth stopped at 25 - the age in which a person is allowed to rent a vehicle without paying additional fees. Also, four years past the legal age to purchase alcohol, giving a person plenty of time to get drunken debauchery out of said person's system -- shut up! I said, "said person."
The second issue that I have with this statement is the notion of being content to move past one's youth. That is a problem for me because, ideally, a person learns from the past, from experiences, from feeling, from reflection. I can understand not harboring a past but to move beyond it feels too...abandoning. For example, I have moved beyond my enjoyment of Barbie dolls. I have zero desire to dress them up, do their hair, and marry them off to Ken. I have moved beyond that phase of my life. However, despite the pain or the anger or the tears or the sadness or the ugliness of parts of my youth, all of those pieces were in place for a reason and they have done their part to make me who I am today. Why would I want to move beyond that?
While my youth wasn't necessarily bad, it wasn't necessarily good either. Don't get me wrong, I come from a two-parent household, middle-class, had things. My parents provided material things and necessities. I had some friends, but true friends weren't really a part of my life until high school and after. Growing up I had a hard time fitting in. I wasn't pretty, I was fat, I was smart (which is not a positive quality when you're in grade school), I didn't understand humor, I was awkward, I was (ok, still am) clumsy, and I was the girl that always got hurt. I was used, made fun of, teased, exploited, and didn't know much better. I often cried on my way home from school and if I got a ride, I waited until bedtime to cry. I'm not even sure my parents know this about me. It wasn't until I ventured out that things started to change but that part doesn't matter much for the story. My point is that I could have chosen to dwell on all of those less-than-stellar parts of my past, I could have chosen to let that dictate my future but I didn't. Instead I used all of that to shape the person I have become, the person who refuses to see ugliness when/where there is beauty. The person who listens, the person who helps, the person who cares.
Now, of course there are some shortcomings that I'd like to forget -- crying in the breezeway at a UTEP football game because I was too drunk to realize what it would look like to passersby when my male friend was trying to help. Yeah, so that happened. AND after age 25, mind you! Still, moving beyond my own flaws is no different or better than moving beyond a past affected by others' flaws.
In short, I am content to move beyond the emotions of my past, but not the experiences. If I abandon the past then I admit that they didn't matter, and they did. Everyday of my future depends on the threaded moments from my past.
Item 4: Accessories
By 30 you should have a purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying. ~14 Aug 2012
Purse - Check.
Suitcase - Check.
Umbrella - well I lived in the desert most of my life - we don't need umbrellas there!
Ok, if you're a personal friend of mine then you already know that I have a purse (several actually) that I'm not ashamed to be seen carrying. I admit it, I'm a designer handbag snob. It's so bad, that I won't even notice "other" purses. It isn't that I deliberately ignore them, they just don't catch my eye. Hear me out...I would never forgo buying food, paying rent/bills, buying gas for my car, etc. just to buy a handbag. However, if I can afford it, I buy it. If mom wants to give me a purse as a gift, I graciously accept. And the caveat to new handbags, snobbish as this may be, is that they must come with a matching wallet. I'm currently toting a lovely purple, grey, and white Guess bag that did not have a matching wallet at time of purchase. It's driving me crazy. Seriously. Think what you will, I can't hear your thoughts. And even if I could, I wouldn't care. I still have yet to meet anyone in their early thirties who has a collection like mine. Proud of myself? Yes. Yes I am.
I have a luggage set that I purchased just before I moved to San Antonio. It's bright pink. I'm not ashamed to be seen with it but I did buy to embarrass the (then) boyfriend. Knowing that he may have to carry it at some point later was enough for me to fall over with laughter and make the purchase...no wonder I'm single. In all seriousness, it's a good set of luggage...well except for the piece that didn't survive the trips to Houston, Germany, South Africa, Malawi, Egypt, Germany, Houston again, San Antonio, Colorado, San Antonio, Houston again, London, South Africa, Malawi, London again, Houston again, and San Antonio again. But can you blame the poor little piece of luggage? I do still own it, though it's sometimes difficult to carry...
After above described luggage became less user-friendly, I purchased a replacement. An even larger, more sturdy, Swiss Army and I am not the least bit ashamed to carry this luggage...but sometimes I'm also not strong enough to carry it.
About the umbrella...
I really didn't own one living in El Paso. The need for it was so minimal that if it was raining that just meant I should wear a hooded jacket. It's when I moved to San Antonio that I should have purchased an umbrella because the hooded-jacket-tactic no longer worked. Every time I went to Target or Wal-mart or Kohl's, I told myself, "today remember to buy an umbrella for the next time it rains," and every time...I would forget. Yes, I was caught often in a downpour. Yes, I would shake my head in embarrassment and shame that I was not carrying around an umbrella. Yes, I would rather be seen with one of those clear, plastic kind with smiley faces all over it than nothing at all but the fact remains that I have yet to purchase an umbrella of any kind. So no, I can't check that off my list of accomplishments by 30. Sad.
Will I remember to buy an umbrella? Probably not. Probably not until I'm caught in rain.
Item 3: The Wardrobe
By 30 you should have something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. ~13 Aug 2012
I feel a little "old school" about this statement. The implication is that by 30, a woman should have a single, perfect outfit to fit both occasions - most likely, a little black dress. On one hand, I agree. On the other hand, I don't actually believe in the single, simple, black dress - or in the single, perfect outfit.
Once upon a time my wardrobe was separated by work clothes, play clothes, date clothes, lounge clothes, and gym clothes (and shoes, respectively). During said time of my life I could have cross-labeled some items of clothing but for the most part, I kept everything separate. I can't say that I've ever believed it necessary for a woman to have a singular article of clothing that can be used in a variety of ways. I think Hepburn lovers decided the little black dress should be a must have of the feminine wardrobe. Don't get me wrong, Breakfast at Tiffany's is my favorite Hepburn film, but still, let's have a more distinct wardrobe, please.
When I went back to school full-time the division in my wardrobe was lost. It was less important to have professional attire, most of my student threads were fine for work and dating...not that I did much of the latter. I hated it. I hated not having separate but equal outfits. I hated that I could wear the same thing for work that I could wear on a date that I could wear to the store. Call me a wardrobe snob, it's ok, but I firmly believe in separation of professional and casual.
I mean, our clothes say something about who we are. What you choose to wear sends a message to the people who see you. This is why, unless you're a lifeguard or a model, the likelihood that you ever donned a bikini for a job interview is probably pretty slim. Our clothes tell stories, they indicate moods, they represent ideas and preferences. The clothes we choose to wear, for any occasion, isn't any more random than it is deliberate and the wardrobe shouldn't be either.
Having said that, if you're a woman who does ascribe to the little black dress theory, please buy a suitable dress. I'm not even joking here. It seems that over the decades the hem lines have gotten shorter, the neck lines have gotten deeper, and heels have gotten taller - an not in a good way either. Ladies, give me a break! If you want to be taken seriously by either your employer OR the man of your dreams, class it up please! I don't care how old you are, you need to be dressing appropriately - and damn it have some respect for your body!
Now, with my personal bias (and rant) out of the way and with a return to work, I am happy to report that I do in fact have one outfit to wear if my employer wants to see me in an hour and an equally separate but equal outfit to wear if the man of my dreams wants to see me in an hour. Neither is a little black dress. Both cover necessary skin, both are upscale enough to be classy and classic yet downplayed enough to be accessible and not the least bit flashy. I admit that I'm still rebuilding fully functioning wardrobe, one that I'm happy with. A wardrobe that speaks to others, a wardrobe that clearly delineates how a person should pack my luggage should said person want to surprise me with a weekend getaway (not that that's a hint, there is no 'said' person, but if there were...).
Maybe that's how the statement should really read: By 30 you should have a wardrobe that any self-respecting woman could replicate and any other person could pack for surprise adventures.
Item 2: Where Do You Sleep?
By 30 you should have a decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. ~12 Aug 2012
This one is easy. My bed! My glorious, glorious bed! And technically my entire bedroom set but if I have to claim just one piece, the bed wins.
I went from crib to waterbed to twin size bunk (dorm living) to a futon to a mattress set on a temporary frame to - a mattress set inside a wonderful wooden frame. A frame I bought. A frame I almost sold but now I'm glad I still own. A frame that I picked without anyone else's opinion. A frame that is mine. Mine. MINE! It isn't fancy. It isn't even terribly expensive. It doesn't do tricks, doesn't have intricate detailing or wood work. It's incredibly simple and has just enough country chic to keep me happy. Plus I love that all my bedroom furniture matches for the first time in my life.
There are a couple of dressers and a desk that I had growing up that have been in the family for ... ever. At some point in my future I imagine that I'll inherit those pieces again. And I hope that I do. I would love to refinish them and make use of them. They're good pieces of furniture, they're old, they're full of history. I just don't have a place for them now, they're still being used at home (the dressers are), and anyway it is time to find some pieces of my own.
I would love to be able to refinish at least one of the pieces with my dad. A project we could do together, like the old days when he would take me with him to work and I would hand him his tools. I imagine both of us acting as though it's no big deal but both of us feeling a sense of bonding. I also imagine both of us smelling like turpentine for a week. Maybe. Maybe we will make the time rather than wait to find the time.
Now that I'm about to move into a new place, I'll be buying some more new pieces of furniture and looking forward to possibly reusing a few hand-me-down pieces as well.
Item 1: Boyfriends
By 30 you should have one old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you how far you've come. ~11 Aug 2012
[sigh]
Boyfriends. Partners. Companions. They've been a topic of discussion for a while between myself and a few close friends. There are several reasons for this: 1 - I've been single since 2010 - the longest length of time ever since my first "real" boyfriend. 2 - I've been single since 2010 - some people think it's time for me to "get back in the game." 3 - Current writing projects revolve around the very theme of intimate relationships, or love. 4 - I'm trying to be friends with an ex - the least likely of all exes too.
Let's examine the item as it stands. One boyfriend I can imagine going back to is also someone from who I hated being apart. AM and I didn't have the longest relationship (just over a year) but it was a good year. From the moment we met everything was easy and comfortable. I never had to pretend with him and I don't think he ever felt the need to pretend with me. Just after we started dating he went out of town for a week. While he was away he would send me a text every night to ask how my day was and to say goodnight. The trend stuck and we made sure, regardless of what else was happening, that we at least said goodnight every day. He was also the king of random text messages but somehow knew just when to send them. I had one favorite that I never forgot: I just saw the Hershey mobile go down the street and I thought of you. Besos. It made my day. And as the cliche goes, when we fought the make up brought us closer together, until the day that the fight finally drove us apart. In retrospect I realize that I allowed too much external noise to ruin us. I allowed friends to influence my thoughts and decisions and began to treat him differently. Why? I still don't know. Perhaps I felt as though what my friends said or did was "normal" when in fact as a couple we were more "normal" than any other couples I knew. Like his text message, I'll never forget what we said to each other the day we finally broke. I told him, I love you and I can't think of a reason for us to break up but I can't really think of a reason for us to stay together either. We're fractured but we need work to keep from breaking and I'll do whatever you want. He responded, I don't want to work on it. We never had to before and I don't want to now.
Like that...we were broken.
We tried to be friends for a while but it didn't work. I saw him several years after our break up because we had a class together. My breath was caught in my throat when he walked into the room, I was somewhere between being happy to see an old friend and being happier to see someone I loved. I averted my eyes quickly and we never spoke to each other the entire month (summer session). But it was in that class that I learned that he was about to be married. I was happy for him. I once referred to him as the cliched, one that got away. But now, he's just the one that I think of fondly and the one I could imagine going back to.
Now, the one who reminds me of how far I've come - might surprise people who are expecting me to say one of two people. Temporally and figuratively, my first "real" boyfriend reminds me of how far I've come. Partly because that was so long ago but also because that version of "me" is also so distant and detached to the "me" now. WF and I were together for just over two years, long distance the entire time. He traveled more than I did, visiting me once a month while I lived in Dallas and staying for about two weeks each visit. I made a few trips to FL and to CA after he moved. We even had a rendezvous in New Orleans with a road trip back to Pensacola one spring. We were planning a wedding when I went to San Francisco to spend the new year with him. In March he was scheduled to come to El Paso for a week. He was going to spend time getting to know my family and continue planning. He called me the night before his flight was scheduled. It would be the last time we would talk to each other for a while - about two years, to be specific.
After enough time had passed we had a phone conversation, one that lasted almost as long as our old phone conversations lasted. We talked and knew that we had the potential to be friends. We maintained contact for a short while but it's been about five years since the last time we spoke.
The version of me then was someone who, though young, was ready to be married and have babies. I wasn't even that concerned with finishing school and because he was content with me being a stay at home wife/mom, he wasn't all that concerned with me finishing either. I can't say I didn't have big dreams but I certainly never thought they would be anything more than a dream. I didn't work too hard to pursue them, in fact, I accepted that some things would never happen. The version of me now is someone who doesn't let anything or anyone stand in her way. And being married with babies is no longer perceived as a high achievement. If anything, for me, it's a sure fire way to halt the life I could live. That's not to say I'll never marry or have babies but I have certainly achieved and experienced a great deal more without feeling as though marriage and babies were a burden. I'm not saying that this lifestyle is a detriment, everyone chooses their path but I couldn't be farther away from that person. Every time I think about where I'd be had we stayed together, I'm reminded of where I am. In terms of relationships alone, I've come far enough to feel fulfilled as a single person. I think that may be my greatest achievement so far.
After enough time had passed we had a phone conversation, one that lasted almost as long as our old phone conversations lasted. We talked and knew that we had the potential to be friends. We maintained contact for a short while but it's been about five years since the last time we spoke.
The version of me then was someone who, though young, was ready to be married and have babies. I wasn't even that concerned with finishing school and because he was content with me being a stay at home wife/mom, he wasn't all that concerned with me finishing either. I can't say I didn't have big dreams but I certainly never thought they would be anything more than a dream. I didn't work too hard to pursue them, in fact, I accepted that some things would never happen. The version of me now is someone who doesn't let anything or anyone stand in her way. And being married with babies is no longer perceived as a high achievement. If anything, for me, it's a sure fire way to halt the life I could live. That's not to say I'll never marry or have babies but I have certainly achieved and experienced a great deal more without feeling as though marriage and babies were a burden. I'm not saying that this lifestyle is a detriment, everyone chooses their path but I couldn't be farther away from that person. Every time I think about where I'd be had we stayed together, I'm reminded of where I am. In terms of relationships alone, I've come far enough to feel fulfilled as a single person. I think that may be my greatest achievement so far.
No comments:
Post a Comment