Let me start by saying that I have a job and I am grateful for that and I know there are people in worse positions than me. Now on to the rant...
Sometime around Thanksgiving I had a moment where I metaphorically took a look at my life and I thought, "how did I get here?" What I was really referring to was: how did I end up doing what I do for a living? You see, the rest of my life is in order and doing quite well but when it comes to work, let's just say, I'm not sure I remember seeing a fork in the road so this must have been the only path...right?
Some of you may know what I do but for those who don't, I'm a PCA for a local treatment center. What does that mean? It means that I am a direct caregiver in a residence for seven children who have autism. I enjoy my kids and when I'm dealing with just them, I don't have a problem being patient. The problem is with the other staff and paper pushers of the company, they push me to the point of insanity. When I started there I was excited, I was ready, and I thought, "this is a teaching home. It will be perfect for me as I move out of graduate school and back into the workforce." I was wrong. Even worse than being wrong, is feeling the dread of going to work each day and the hopelessness of finding my passion again.
I recently said to a co-worker, "It's like we're elephants in a circus and we're just working for our peanuts, beaten, taken advantage of, and slowly going insane but we stay because we love our peanuts."
When I was a full time employee with no degree behind me, I had highly autonomous positions in good companies and a lot of responsibility, freedom, experience, and money. Now, with two degrees, I feel like a glorified babysitter, working too many hours for too little pay, no benefits, and no room to grow. I went from being a peasant on paper to being a peasant in life. What makes things worse is that I can't even find other work. I'm either "over qualified" because I have a Master's degree or I lack certifications, public policy experience (which I do actually have through volunteer work, but that doesn't count), or I don't live in the right state. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like I wasted time and money getting two degrees when I had better luck getting a job before either degree existed in or on paper.
Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off starting my own business but then I think, would I hire me? Or would I say that I'm over qualified or lack certain business savvy?
With a deep sigh I know that part of my frustration comes from the fact that I'm not looking for a 'job' as much as I'm looking for the start of my real 'career,' and that makes things complicated. Sure I can apply to and probably be offered a position as an office manager or sales rep (presuming I leave off one of my degrees) but that isn't a career path for me and I'm tired of having jobs. I want the next thing I do to be something that I'm passionate about. I want to be somewhere I can thrive.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who would actually like to be in my shoes right now and I don't want it to seem as though I am completely ungrateful to be where I am but when you're not happy, not much else matters. So while I don't know what will come next and all my "plans" and ideas are falling to the wayside, all I really hope for is the chance to love what I do. I don't want to feel stunted any longer, it's past my time to grow.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
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