Hello dear readers, I’m here.
Both of my blogs (personal and adventure) have become quite dilapidated
and while I could make excuses for that, the truth is that I have felt
uninspired. The best way I can describe how I have been feeling is to compare
it to an overdrawn bank account. My mental and emotional states have been so misplaced
that it has taken all my physical energy just to get through the minutia of a
single day, and when the day comes to its close, I am spent – there is nothing
left to withdraw. Additionally, my mind has been occupied with thoughts of
another person, someone who I should have cut from my life a long time ago. I
realized what others already knew, that I was waiting, that I had put my life
on hold for someone who had stated that he had no desire to be together. I’m
angry with myself for continuing to give him power by keeping the connection
open, or even just thinking of him at all. As much as it won’t make sense, I do
believe that the biggest reason I stopped writing was because I thought that if
he read it, what he read should prove that I don’t need him. My writing should
be so full of life that he would be left wondering, does she miss me? But I
felt that I wasn’t doing anything with my life to show him this through my
writing. How could I submit to such twisted thoughts? How could I turn my life
upside down so much that I couldn’t tell one direction from another? I was
refusing to be who I was because who I wanted to be was someone he would
desire, someone he would feel stupid over letting go, and someone he
would miss. I guess I finally woke up and realized that he isn’t the reason I
write, and he isn’t the reason I keep blogs, and he isn’t the reason for
anything in my life – not even my sadness. Even this blog is not about him, it
is about revival. Reviving my entries, reminding people that I am here and I am
living a life – that I will try living my life again and sharing
some parts of that with you, as I did when I first started.
Here are my thoughts regarding each blog:
Personal – I have a lot of emotional things to process, not just
regarding my recent awakening, but in general. As I strive to better myself, I
will purge my mind of inconsequential thoughts, small musings about life and
love, and maybe provide a sounding board for you.
Adventure – I have so many past travel journals that I never published,
and once upon a time I thought I would digitize all of those for your reading
pleasure. Now, I think it will be better for me to choose some of my favorite
moments and write those as narratives – brief stories of travel, friendship,
growth, and exploration. I also have many photos that I would like to stream
through a slideshow – favorites only, much like my memories.
I don’t know what to expect, and I won’t make any promises regarding
frequency, but I do feel inspired again, and I do miss the virtual contact with
others. I am here and I intend to stay for a while.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
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