I know I
shouldn’t be doing this, especially after the way I disappeared, but I have to
tell you, I miss you.
Maybe it
isn’t fair to say it, what can I expect to hear in return – nothing.
Maybe it
wouldn’t be fair not to say it, what should everyone know – when they’re
missed.
Either way,
I’ve done it and now there is no going back. I guess I feel compelled to tell
you this, now, because you’ve been on my mind so much lately. I’ve heard your
name in crowds – yes, I know, it’s a common name, but it seems everywhere I go,
there you are – your name, anyway. I hear songs on the radio that remind me of
you, but not the typical popular songs, but songs that make me think I’m
listening to Pandora instead. Pandora has a depressing way of bringing you up,
it’s like she taunts me with every.single.song she plays.
I want you
to know that I ran away because I was hurt and sad and missed you then too, but
in a different way. Then, I was still waiting, hoping you would change your
mind, knowing that you had more than moved on from whatever we once had – if
that was anything at all. It was something for me, even if I didn’t show it
very well. These days I miss you with a different kind of emotion, one that
remembers all the happy moments instead of desperately wishing things had been
different; and I guess, I want to apologize.
I feel the
need to say that I’m sorry for making things so difficult, especially near the
end. I never intended for our story to be written that way. I was confused. I
wanted to believe that your move to CO had something to do with me, even if I
knew I couldn’t be the whole reason. I was elated that you would be here; I
wondered if it meant we would actually have a chance to try for something real.
I regret never telling you that, or showing you exactly how happy I was that
you would be near again. Instead I let the resentment build and I began to hate you
for it. I made you the bad guy, when really; all you’ve ever been to me is the
one person who I felt utterly safe with. I never told you that either – fear I
guess, that you would think I was crazy. Fear that you didn’t feel the same way
and that telling you would force you further away. You went away anyway, so I
guess I should have told you – better to have loved and lost, right? Maybe
those things don’t actually resonate, but it seems fitting.
There are so
many of those moments, words lost to fear – fear of losing you and I lost you
anyway. I feel foolish for that.
I don’t know
why I think I have to tell you now, maybe putting it into the universe will
help it go away and leave me with the memories but not the emotion. Maybe
putting it in writing will help it leave my mind for good and I can finally
rest again, even though my little bed is entirely too big without you in it.
Now I’m babbling and getting sentimental which is not what I wanted to do at
all; I just wanted to tell you that I miss you…I do, and I just thought I deserve to say it, finally, and you deserve to know.
Courtney
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