[breathe in][breathe out][breathe in][breathe out]
I'm in the home stretch, and while I won't meet my deadline (and this devastates me) I will be finished by the end of the week and that's okay too.
The last couple of weeks have been crazy and I think my body is trying to revolt for putting it though all the madness! What I can't wait to do is get back to taking care of myself: mind, body, and spirit. I've realized lately that I've been neglecting the important things in life...the things that make our lives. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things that I need to do or the things that I perceive to be important but in the midst of all of that, I tend to forget that breathing comes naturally. Just because I don't have to remind myself to do this, does not mean that I should take it for granted.
Also, I've been incredibly eager to return to El Paso for Christmas, maybe more so than I've ever been. While I'm not completely sure why this is, I am pretty confident that it has something to do with the realization that I'm almost finished with my Master's and that means that it's almost time for another BIG DECISION for Courtney. I think having so many options in front of me right now has opened my eyes to the fact that this may be the last time that I can load my car and drive...drive to the place that I know so well, yet do not call home. I'm beginning to feel the same thing I felt just before I graduated from UTEP...a sense of departure. It's as if I'm preparing to leave even though I don't think that's what I'm doing. I'm seeing everything as if it will be one of the last times, including returning to El Paso with the same natural ease that I ignore when I breathe.
One other interesting development has been that I've been thinking of my new year resolution. Why is this interesting, you ask? Because I don't make new year resolutions, well, not on 31 December anyway. I make resolutions on my birthday, because that is the true start of a new year for me. Recently (ok, within the last few days) I have been contemplating things that should change or resolutions that I should make and keep for myself. There is much that I need to expel from my life, physically, mentally, emotionally...this could go on. I feel like there's a dark cloud that I continually try to hide from. Sometimes I can trick it and run away fast enough to lose it but eventually, it catches up again. I know that I can shake this thing, I just have to find the strength to do it but sometimes letting go is much harder than holding on. As I look around my room right now I see things and the physical representations only remind me of the almost vacant memories; of the ghostlike figures that haunt me when I am awake.
I know that it's time, as sure as my body, mind, and spirit know that we're getting ready to leave this place too, it is time to unlock the chains that hold us down. As I finish my work for the semester and get ready to head back to El Paso for the holidays, I wish you all well and hope that the holidays find you well...wherever you are.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
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