What do I say? Where do I begin? January...February...March...? No, chronologically seems too linear...thematic maybe? Hmm...also, somehow too contrived...so maybe I'll just write the way I would speak. We'll see how this goes.
2010 was a good year, despite some of the negatives. Or maybe the better way to articulate that is like this: 2010 was a good year, because of some of the negatives. "What!?! Because of the negatives?" Yes, because of the negatives. You see, it is in those moments, that we learn the most about who we are. The moments that question our character, the moments that try our souls, the moments that force us to reflect and to make decisions are the moments that we can step away from feeling as though we have just fought a long hard fight. Even if we lost, we somehow feel satisfied. Maybe the satisfaction comes from learning or realizing one's potential, or maybe the satisfaction comes from recognizing that the battle does not always have to be won in order to be positive. Or maybe the satisfaction comes from knowing that despite everything, we never backed down and the fact that we never quit makes us strong, makes us powerful, and makes us winners after all.
The blunders, of which I had many in 2010, helped me in a great many ways. All the things that I thought would be painful were, but I would rather feel something than continue to be numb to everything. As I move into 2011, I am feeling more and more and the numbness is slowly fading (<-- seems somehow odd, that numbness can fade...how would you know?).
I have been all over the place this year and I am about to ring in the new year the same way...with travel! During my recent visit to El Paso, I had a conversation with a friend about fate. I have always believed in fate but over the past year I have felt more and more like fate was the reason for my experiences...without a shadow of a doubt. All the pieces to the San Antonio puzzle were put into place (sometime ago) and now I'm starting to see the picture. Or maybe you like more stellar metaphors, like...all the stars were aligned when it was decided that I would move to San Antonio a year and a half ago. Whatever you prefer, the plan was laid, the chapter was written, the blueprints were drawn and I was finally brought into this plan. A plan much larger than myself and full of experiences that I could have only ever dreamed would be mine. Call it a blessing, call it luck, call it whatever you want; I'll call it fate.
All of the experiences that I had during 2010 have reinforced the idea that we (as people) need to be open. We need to believe that the plan that has been created for us is a good one.We should have faith and trust that all things will work out as they should. We should accept when things do not pan out the way we wanted, and know that whatever does happen, happens so that the next piece can fall easily into place. The two biggest events for me in 2010 demonstrate this point in a very simple way:
My relationship ended. I traveled for work to Malawi, Africa. While in Africa, as a single person, I was able to very clearly and very logically see the possibility for a future somewhere else. I sometimes wonder how my experience in Africa would have been different if I were still in my relationship and then I think back to last summer when I worked as a camp counselor. See, at the time, I was committed to someone (the same someone) and it did change how I did things or how I handled situations while away. The possibility of receiving an email or a phone call from him still remained a priority even though I was able to effectively do my job, well. I even rode a pedal bike to town just to mail something to him for fear of messing up a routine, see I sent him a package on the 27th of every month. I thought at the time, if he is home next summer I won't come back to camp. I want to be with him, I want to rebuild our life as a couple, I want to learn about us all over again. In Africa, alone, I knew that I would not have turned down the opportunity even if he and I were still together, but I feel that I would have ignored the signs for a plausible future; a future that I now hope to have. Maybe that didn't come out on the screen the way it sounds in my head but the point that I'm trying to make is this: while devastating at the time, the ending of my relationship needed to happen in order for me to be open to the potential for a more amazing life.
The same feeling rushed over me while at the LRA conference in December. Being surrounded by amazing and sometimes groundbreaking research and being accepted by the members of that world would have gone unappreciated if all I had been thinking about was, "where will we end up when he returns from his second tour?" Instead, my mind raced with thoughts of PhD programs and which city I want to begin the next chapter in...which school...doing what research...with whose unbelievable faculty?
Many of my friends and I have bonded in new ways through 2010 and I have cultivated new relationships that I believe will be lifelong friendships. Friends have always been one of the most important elements of my life, the closest ones are like family and family is who get me through the darkest hours. I have been able to talk to or spend time with some of the most important people more in 2010 than I have in a very very long time. I am grateful to my friends (all of them) and my family (related or not) for allowing me to make mistakes, to realize my mistakes, and to foster my growth as a person. I hope I have done the same for them, or at the very least, I hope I have done something similar.
One other big realization that I had recently was that since 2007, I have let myself go...somewhat. I have neglected to really take care of myself, I have allowed people to treat me unfairly, I have been a metaphorical floor mat and punching bag for people who never deserved my time in the first place. I have covered the chains of that relationship (the one that ended in 2007) and am only now realizing that I had the key to unlock the cuffs this entire time. It has taken quite a bit of reflection, crying, screaming, and private journaling for me to come to this conclusion and it will likely take a great deal of strength to overcome some of the residual pain. However, I'd rather feel the pain than continue to be numb, and when the pain is gone all that will be left, is the serenity.
2011 brings with it change, I can already tell. The change will come in a plethora of forms and I plan to openly and eagerly embrace all the changes with a warm heart, a loving smile, and the flash of engaged wonder. Goodbye 2010, thank you for the moments...
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
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