In April, 2009, I started this blog. I did it partly because I needed an outlet for writing, partly because I wanted to share my experiences with an audience (any size, any person, any...body willing to read). Mostly, I started this blog as a way of working through my life changes, a way of providing a space for my (then) partner to be involved from an ocean away, a way for close friends to know what was going on when I was too lazy to write an email.
I've looked back on those earlier entries, read through them, remembered the changes that were occurring at that time and thought about the changes happening now. Here's what I've noticed...
Similarities:
Just graduated and getting ready to move for a new start somewhere.
Travel.
Packing.
Planning.
Being outside my comfort zone (mostly with travel).
New friends.
Old friends.
Anticipation of things to come.
Differences:
Moving for school vs. moving for a change.
Love.
Moving in TX vs. moving out of TX.
What the anticipation of things to come, means.
Personal emotions regarding the changes to include the reason for moving to the location chosen for the move...this is the most difficult piece to consider.
I have to reconcile some feeling regarding the move I made three years ago and the move I'm making now. If you know me or you've followed with regularity over the past three years, you are fully aware that I would not, for any reason, change anything. The experiences that I've had and the opportunities that I've been fortunate enough to accept have changed me in ways that I still cannot articulate. And there are reasons for everything even if I (we) don't know or can't understand those reasons at the time...or even soon after. Having said that, the only reason I chose San Antonio was because of CT. I wanted to be close when he returned to the states. I wanted to be near a military base should he be eligible for a new duty station. I wanted to be in a city influenced by the military while he was gone because for me, it kept me sane and grounded when I couldn't communicate with him. At least someone here will understand, I thought, should I ever need to talk about my deployed soldier. Because of this, I knew San Antonio would never be a long-term residency. And I didn't choose UTSA for it's graduate program, although I did make sure that I could align myself with the faculty/program before I applied. I didn't plan on making friends as much as I planned on focusing on school and getting out so that my life with CT could finally be what it should be. San Antonio was always meant to be a lily pad, a stepping stone, a temporary notch and the only city that made sense if I wanted out of El Paso but not out of Texas.
What does this have to do with reconciling feelings? In thinking and talking about the reason behind my move to San Antonio, I feel like it sounds as though nothing good came of it. And in some ways, San Antonio does have a dark cloud over some of my memories, especially the early months. Between a failed relationship and having my apartment broken into while I was home, the first several months there were wrought with hostility. After the hostility came the water damage and failed attempts at dating and then finally, a break. Friendships changed, academia changed, work changed, scenery changed, and my attitude changed. During the last year, I have come away with some of the best experiences and memories of my life. In telling that story I don't think I have to reconcile feelings at all. Although my reasons for moving there were (mostly) all wrong, I still wouldn't change any of it...wait, except maybe the last car accident I was involved in - I'd change that.
Anyway, that brings us to the feelings I have with this move. For some reason this feels entirely different, not better or worse, just different. My purpose is different, my goals are different, my reasons are different, my expectations are different. And while I can't say with certainty whether I'll call CO home, I do know that I have a plan to stay there for a good while. I do anticipate positive, healthy, happy changes. I don't know why I feel this, there is no explanation but it's like my entire body is energized and my bones are sensing only good. Maybe I'm more excited than I realize, maybe I feel like the worst has happened so I can only meet positivity, maybe I am just more ready now than I have ever been for experiencing a life that I've decided to lead. It started with Rome, the idea that I could control this journey in some way, that I could go where I want and do what I want and not be obligated to another person.
And there it is...the biggest difference and change of all...for the first time in my entire adult life I am not so-and-so's girlfriend, I'm just...me. Strange to think that for the past 15 years I have "belonged" to someone (different someones but someone nonetheless), and now, at 31, I'm finally facing this world on my own. It's scary, it's sad, it's exciting but mostly, it's liberating. Thank you San Antonio for setting me up for what is bound to be one of the best decisions of my life.
Until Next Time,
Courtney Chivon
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